Tim Wright If I was a dinosaur, I’d probably be a Bronchitis or an Osteoarthritis

Tim Wright I’m just happy that my mailman had the proper time to mourn George Bush

Tim Wright On the upside for Jeff Sessions, this is not the worst time of year to be looking for a new job if you’re an elf

Tim Wright I didn't get a participation sticker yesterday either

Tim Wright Morpheus: “Take the red pill and I’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes”

Elmer Fudd: “Let’s do this”

Tim Wright Simply dealing with my insurance company gives me high blood pressure…which sucks because it’s a pre-existing condition

Tim Wright To separate sugar, oil, and iron filings: mix with water, pour off separated oil, use magnet to collect iron filings, evaporate water to reclaim sugar.

To separate Whoppers from Halloween candy: leave candy bowl on porch. Only chocolate musket balls will remain

Tim Wright I early voted today! I saw some campaigners with signs for a tire rotation and oil change, but those weren’t on my ballot

Tim Wright I’m actually really laid back before I get out of bed in the morning

Tim Wright Wife: Honey?
Husband: Yes dear
W: Did something hit the car?
H: Yes deer
W: Do you know what it was?
H: Yes deer
W: Was it an animal?
H: Yes deer
W: Was it a rabbit?
H: No deer

Tim Wright “What’s wrong with being called Horseface?”
—Mister Ed

Tim Wright I’m shocked at the Sears bankruptcy announcement yesterday. I had no idea they were still open

Tim Wright You think that you’re going to have a lucrative career making homeopathic wine, but after a while you realize you’re just treading water

Tim Wright Colonel Mustard’s first name is Dijonathan

Tim Wright Who called it a “randomized clinical trial with a placebo control group” and not “trick or treatment”?

Tim Wright Happy National 🌮 Day!

Tim Wright Happy Virus Appreciation Day!

Tim Wright A group of old deaf white guys ignoring the facts is called a “hearing”

Tim Wright WalMart Greeter: “I’m sorry sir, only service dogs are allowed in the store”

Me: “I understand that, Gertrude, but how am I supposed to find sunglasses that fit him unless he tries them on?”

Tim Wright Teacher: I work a second job to make ends meet

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos: I play Yahtzee with real yachts

Tim Wright I have to pay a gym membership, so they’re not really free weights

Tim Wright Is America great again yet?

Tim Wright Trying to peel a hard-boiled egg with a stuck shell while I’m running late for work is all the proof I need that I would never survive defusing explosives

Tim Wright America has come so far; from a war for independence, to a union between sovereign states, to running on Dunkin’

Tim Wright Maybe that restaurant should have let Sarah Huckabee Sanders eat there but make her family eat at a different restaurant hundreds of miles away

Tim Wright Trump: We need a space force.
Pentagon: Sir?
Trump: To guard against all the illegal aliens.
Pentagon: Sir, that’s not what that mea..
Trump: Pew pew!

Tim Wright Happy National Chocolate Ice Cream day!

Tim Wright When I saw Miss America trending my first thought was “Yeah I miss America too”

Tim Wright Happy National Doughnut Day!

Tim Wright I just wanted to say that I’ve updated my privacy policy. I value your privacy and want to be transparent about the data I collect…

Tim Wright Do I know Damocles? Only Sword of

Tim Wright Teacher: Tell us about your Haiku

Me: The Yellowstone Caldera erupts-shifting tectonic plates, blanketing the survivors in a cloud of dust and debris. A hole opens, scientists deep in the ant-

—Is this a Pacific Rim fan fiction?

Me: I…misunderstood the assignment

Tim Wright Mark Zuckerberg [speaking to Congress]: “If you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville, they will die. I cannot stress this enough.”

Tim Wright Today is Velociraptor Awareness Day, or as it's known in the U.S., Tax Day
#velociraptorawarenessday

Tim Wright Happy National Margarita Day!

Tim Wright That’s not love in the air, it’s the flu

Tim Wright The magician’s never-ending scarf trick but it’s me just trying to get a disinfectant wipe at the grocery store

Tim Wright More importantly, are Tide Pods kosher?

Tim Wright I’m sick of people telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

Tim Wright Officer: Just blow into this for me sir.
—But that's a balloon.
If you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog

Tim Wright I saw a Black Friday deal offering 80% off industrial vacuum cleaners and I’m worried that I might get sucked in

Tim Wright Fact:
Thanksgiving is mostly just an excuse for people to say the word “moist” over and over and over and over and

Tim Wright I have an amazing post defending net neutrality, but you’ll have to pay Comcast $29 to see it

Tim Wright Mueller set to depose White House turkey before Trump can pardon it

Tim Wright AOL Instant Messenger is shutting down? I better warn my Top 8 Friends from MySpace

Tim Wright Happy National Taco Day!

Tim Wright I set my WiFi name to Equifax. No password

Tim Wright It’s called self-deprecation; you should try it sometime. I’d tell you how, but I suck at explaining things

Tim Wright Who called it shoe shopping and not “sole searching”

Tim Wright Just learned they made an Emoji Movie. There are no words

Tim Wright Happy National Hot Dog Day!

Tim Wright Happy National Ice Cream Day!

Tim Wright My artificial intelligence-powered drone has grown up and flown from the nest, as it whirr

Tim Wright Facebook is fun until you are forced to step back and examine your own ridiculous need for validation

Please like and share

Tim Wright The minimum number of people to do a line dance is two. If you dance it by yourself, you’re doing a point dance

Tim Wright The phrase highfalutin malarkey is itself highfalutin malarkey
—Darren Hudman Jr.

Tim Wright I just flew in on United, and boy are my arms dislocated

Tim Wright I’m starting to worry that I might be coming down with hypochondria

Tim Wright Happy National Chocolate Ice Cream Day!

Tim Wright Happy National Doughnut Day!

Tim Wright Some people walk into your life because their driver’s license has been revoked

Tim Wright My fortune cookie said, “Yes that was chicken, but it was General Tso-and-Tso”

Tim Wright Don’t forget to text your mom today

Tim Wright [Middle Ages]
Queen: “Come to bed”
King: “Not until I have a name for my soldiers”
Q: “k night”
K: “You’re a genius!”

Tim Wright Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

Tim Wright I tried to get into the nudist colony after hours, but they were clothed

Tim Wright As somewhat of a grammatical perfectionist, I should be opposed to contrived contractions—but I amn’t

Tim Wright Happy National High-Five Day!

Tim Wright Happy National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day!

Tim Wright I was hooked on auctions after only going once…going twice

Tim Wright When I was in school I wanted to join the debate team, but someone talked me out of it

Tim Wright When I was under an active FBI investigation, they wouldn’t let me fill the napkin dispenser, let alone appoint a Supreme Court Justice

Tim Wright I wish April Fools wasn’t 4 years long this time

Tim Wright If you’ve seen one lion attack, you’ve seen a maul

Tim Wright Is it called a Brazilian wax because of what we do to their rainforests?

Tim Wright This girl just told me to have a great day like she forgot this is America

Tim Wright People that work at a bubble wrap factory must have a lot of self control

Tim Wright No thanks Groupon, tandem skydiving isn’t something I want to cheap out on

Tim Wright If you don‘t not wish to not receive any marketing communications from us, please don‘t uncheck the pre-checked checkbox that says “Yes, I don’t”

Tim Wright You were Irish yesterday. What happened?

Tim Wright You can make a waterbed more bouncy by using spring water

Tim Wright The first Irishman to speak without moving his lips was Ventril O’Quist

Tim Wright Some people say there should be a special font for sarcasm, and let me tell you, I think that’s a fantastic idea

Tim Wright I don’t like to admit that I have an irrational fear of mice, but now the cat’s out of the bag

Tim Wright I bought my friend an elephant for his room
He said “Thanks”
I said “Don't mention it”

Tim Wright In like Flynn! (for questioning)

Tim Wright An hour is lost, but it is not forgotten

Tim Wright Age is slowly killing me

Tim Wright Trump truly is the “Law and Order” president. He writes laws based on Steve Bannon’s orders

Tim Wright It must be terrible being the last banana in a bunch, seeing your friends stripped and eaten one by one, and your own health worsening daily

Tim Wright “Give me a quarter and I’ll release one of the hostages”
—Gumball machines

Tim Wright Happy National Margarita Day!

Tim Wright I studied agriculture, but I never worked in the field

Tim Wright I’m not signing up for the 401k. There is no way that I can run that far

Tim Wright A belt went out on my car. The timing couldn’t have been worse

Tim Wright The most popular fast food in China is a Kebabrador

Tim Wright “Girl, are you Sean Spicer, because I don’t think the number you gave me is real”

Tim Wright *Trump hangs up the phone after a long talk with Putin*
Melania: “Who was that?”
Trump: “Jake from State Farm.”

Tim Wright Scary is that we haven’t even reached the free 30 day trial of Trump yet

Tim Wright Valentine’s Day: because what’s sexier than planning a specific day to be romantic

Tim Wright “A higher-end clothing store will someday be involved in unseating the leader of a powerful country in the West”
—Nordstromdamus

Tim Wright Air fresheners, how I mist you

Tim Wright I googled “gluten free Super Bowl snacks” and a man showed up and took away all of my power tools

Tim Wright Rules of artillery club:
1. The instruction manual is canon

Tim Wright “I don’t have the money right now to spend on {extended auto warranty, lower interest credit cards, a home security system, [insert robocall company business here]}, but my tax return should be in soon. Call me back—I’m sure it won’t be long.”

Tim Wright I bought a birdwatching book. Now I know what my cats have killed and left on the porch

Tim Wright Trump’s first ten days in office have been the longest three years of my life

Tim Wright I wish I had a trophy that said “World’s Best Hyperbole”

Tim Wright I am not too happy about Trump’s wall but I am pretty happy about my stock in catapults

Tim Wright Your high horse isn’t very stable

Tim Wright Thanks, Obama!

Tim Wright Of all the businesses I’ve enjoyed, monkey business is my favorite

Tim Wright When the inventor of the USB stick dies, they’ll gently lower the coffin then pull it back up and turn it the other way, then lower it again

Tim Wright Idioms aren’t really my piece of cake

Tim Wright If by archeologist you mean digging my car out of a snow bank, then yes, I’m an archeologist

Tim Wright The human race is the smartest of all races. We cut down birdhouses to make birdhouses

Tim Wright Who left the door open and let winter in?

Tim Wright I despise what technology has done to us as humans. Yet here I am

Tim Wright A hummingbird is just a regular bird that doesn’t know the lyrics

Tim Wright My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q-tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

Tim Wright I wear a stethoscope so I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions during a medical emergency

Tim Wright My new years resolution is to avoid past mistakes

Tim Wright On the plus side, 2016 will soon be dead

Tim Wright The average human life expectancy is one lifetime

Tim Wright I liked professor Snape the most. He was good at the force

Tim Wright I wasn’t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones

Tim Wright No one steals food from the work fridge at the gun factory

Tim Wright I put my phone in airplane mode and now it’s crowding the armrest and making small talk about the weather

Tim Wright Santa’s gift list was hacked. We’re all getting Russian crude oil whether we like it or not

Tim Wright The word of the year is “unpresidented”

Tim Wright The Yahoo hack included security questions, so now everyone knows that my first pet was a guinea pig named Spanky

Tim Wright I can’t believe that Friday the 13th was on a Tuesday this month

Tim Wright I could drone on and on about endless unmanned aerial bombardment

Tim Wright There’s no proof that you all mock my bad posture, but I’ve got a hunch

Tim Wright My mind was racing so much that I was pulled over by the thought police

Tim Wright I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote

Tim Wright There are nine times as many smartphones in the world than there are smart people

Tim Wright Someone asked me if I wanted a bed. I told them I’d sleep on it

Tim Wright As it turns out, the Bed Bath and Beyond employees do NOT like to be serenaded with “We whisk you Merry Christmas” when buying kitchen utensils

Tim Wright Cloud syncing? It’s called fog

Tim Wright I don’t have an electric car because I can’t even remember to charge my phone at night

Tim Wright I have given up hope that you’ll ever stop quoting Journey.
—Don’t stop believing!

Tim Wright Black Friday tramplings as everyone rushes to use the toilet

Tim Wright Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful that family will have lots of food in their mouths to keep them from talking

Tim Wright Officer: You were speeding.
—I am trying to keep up with traffic.
There is no traffic.
—I am really far behind

Tim Wright We’re all strangers here. Some are just stranger than others

Tim Wright Who called it a “roundtrip flight” and not “AirBRB?”

Tim Wright Hey, can you pick up milk?
—[lifts gallon] Yea it’s easy.
I mean from the store.
—I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Tim Wright I got 99 problems and a luftballoon isn’t one of them

Tim Wright People always slam elevator music. It’s very hurtful to those of us who have spent years learning to play the elevator

Tim Wright Orange is the new President

Tim Wright Maybe the White House will look good painted gold

Tim Wright They should put barf bags in all of the voting booths this year

Tim Wright I don’t know what century you guys live in, but all of my clocks change themselves

Tim Wright The Cubs winning the World Series is definitive proof that America is already great

Tim Wright If it weren’t for leftover Halloween candy, I never would have made the KitKat omelet

Tim Wright I like to think this spider on my windshield during my morning commute is on his way to his own office job too. I bet he’s a web developer

Tim Wright Today is my favorite holiday: Half-Priced Halloween Candy Day

Tim Wright Say what you want about the First Amendment

Tim Wright I set my GPS to the British lady’s voice and I’m pretty sure she just told me to “brexit right in one mile”

Tim Wright I put the “sexy” in “dyslexic”

Tim Wright I am not paying for a full year membership at YMCA when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral

Tim Wright I spent the last 45 minutes thinking about working out, and I think we all know it’s the thought that counts

Tim Wright I saw a “Wet Floor” sign, so I did

Tim Wright I’m not impatient; I’ve just lost a lot of wait

Tim Wright Yet another creepy clown sighting reported last night; this time witnessed by millions on a debate stage in St. Louis

Tim Wright The good thing about losing an arm is that it can only happen like once, maybe twice

Tim Wright They should name hurricanes after presidential candidates

Tim Wright I want to thank the ancient Egyptians for inventing the calendar. It has made my day

Tim Wright Happy National Taco Day!

Tim Wright Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me. It means a lot

Tim Wright Scientists have now discovered that of the people who tend to lose their train of thought in the middle of a sentence,

Tim Wright Don’t worry if you can’t spell apocalypse. It’s not the end of the world

Tim Wright Martha Stewart would choke on her homemade cookies and drop dead if she saw how I fold a fitted sheet

Tim Wright I released my tax returns, but unfortunately they came back

Tim Wright The Three Kingdoms

Tim Wright I start every conversation with my colleagues by saying, “I shouldn't be telling you this” just so I know they will listen

Tim Wright I was the Wikipedia of my school. People expected me to help with their homework, but completely ignored my constant requests for money

Tim Wright I’m an amazing ventriloquist. Even if I do say so myself

Tim Wright Today is the first day of Fall, or as it’s known in Louisiana, “nope, still summer”

Tim Wright I can’t…I’m trying to decide which 3 Skittles not to eat today

Tim Wright Irony is getting lost in a Jeep Compass

Tim Wright Some people brag about what they earn before taxes. That’s gross

Tim Wright Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy

Tim Wright I wasn’t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones

Tim Wright Thank you for calling the hug hotline. Please hold

Tim Wright It’s really nice outside. Lots of people out walking their phones

Tim Wright The fact Google autocompletes “It puts the lime in the coconut or it gets the hose again” makes me proud of the Internet

Tim Wright I don’t play poker. I’m ante gambling

Tim Wright Lancelot had a less ambitious brother called Joustabit

Tim Wright Yes, autocorrect, I definitely meant to ask for extra BBW sauce

Tim Wright What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter

Tim Wright Why is childbirth called “delivery” and not “take out?”

Tim Wright Whenever you think you have it bad, remember there are vegans with laryngitis

Tim Wright I’m watching a new reality show on NBC called “The Olympics” but I don’t feel like the judges are berating the contestants enough

Tim Wright Be right back, I gotta go jump in the shower. So glad I put a trampoline in there

Tim Wright Who called it “soy sauce”, and not “MSG in a bottle”

Tim Wright My car has one of those backup cameras so I can see what I just hit

Tim Wright My George Foreman grill just knocked out a Tyson chicken

Tim Wright Happy National Cheesecake Day!

Tim Wright I’m not narcissistic, I just wonder how all of this pertains to me

Tim Wright I just pulled over for a siren on the radio, so I completely relate to dogs that bark at the TV

Tim Wright Plot twist: the struggle is imaginary

Tim Wright Saw the Grand Canyon. It was just gorges

Tim Wright If you don’t recognize Tom Petty when he comes on the radio, then don’t come around here no more

Tim Wright Driving in circles was fun, in a roundabout way

Tim Wright Happy National Ice Cream Day!

Tim Wright If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys

Tim Wright I’ve never found a solution to anything in the bottom of a bottle, but after the first drink I have the answers to everything

Tim Wright I run when I sleepwalk because I’m fast asleep

Tim Wright ‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Frukoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Latervia. Byegium

Tim Wright July the 4th be with you

Tim Wright What’s your favorite song about lime-coconut remedies?

Tim Wright I want the confidence of the old naked guys in the gym locker room

Tim Wright I want to be a knight in shining armor. Not for a woman, I just live in America so it seems like the best way to stay safe in public

Tim Wright It’s not a “drawbridge lever”, it’s called the “moat control”

Tim Wright Someone just called me “Ace” and now I feel like I’m either better than a king or worse than a 2

Tim Wright TWO+TWO=FOUR
TW+TW=FUR
2TW=FUR
(W=UU)
2T(UU)=FUR
2TU=FR
U=FR/2T
U=FR over 2T
you = forever tooty

Tim Wright Just found out AT&T; stands for American Telephone and Telegraph. I think my internet is connected to the telegraph side

Tim Wright I wasn’t trying to push all of your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute

Tim Wright Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think

Tim Wright I don’t like who I become when there’s an unattended box of doughnuts lying around at the office

Tim Wright National Donut Day > National Full-Size Spare Day

Happy National 🍩 Day everyone!

Tim Wright Taylor and Calvin Harris broke up. That was Swift

Tim Wright People may look at me funny for not taking the elevator but I’ll take the stares

Tim Wright I used to have a foot fetish. Now I’m totally into the metric system

Tim Wright They say the average person checks their phone 80 times a day. Finally I’m above average at something

Tim Wright Netflix gives you 15 seconds between episodes to decide whether or not you’re doing anything with your life today

Tim Wright Smoking may cause cancer, but it cures ham

Tim Wright I tried cutting my own bangs, but I couldn’t even

Tim Wright Of course Trump loves taco bowls. It’s Mexican with a wall around it

Tim Wright Revenge of the Fifth

Tim Wright Extra virgin olive oil is just like regular olive oil but with more Star Wars action figures

May the Forth be with you!

Tim Wright Earth Day. What can you buy for a planet that literally has everything?

Tim Wright Happy National High-Five Day 🙏🏼

Tim Wright This year when I checked the “Single” box on my tax form, the IRS is sending me a cat

Tim Wright I am at my most sexy when I’m looking for my phone while texting

Tim Wright I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, “that’s the last thing I need”

Tim Wright Washed down two Tylenol with a glass of champagne because water is for peasants and being sober gives me a headache

Tim Wright Don’t worry—My bird puns fly over my head too

Tim Wright Nothing says “Good Morning” like a nice pot of coffee made in the bathroom. Thanks hotels, you thought of everything

Tim Wright Quick reminder: April Fool’s Day has been moved to the 2nd because of leap year

Tim Wright March is Fraud Awareness Month…or is it?

Tim Wright I’d be embarrassed if I got caught stealing kitchen utensils, but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take

Tim Wright I’m never worried when my mom wants to look at pics on my phone because I know that five seconds later she’ll say, “I don't know how to work this”

Tim Wright They’re taking an entire hour out of our day? And on a Sunday, no less? Clearly this is an attack on our religious freedoms. Thanks, Obama

Tim Wright Why do you want to ride the crazy train? What is your loco motive?

Tim Wright I thought Fifty Shades of Grey was a coloring book for dogs

Tim Wright We only get one extra day every four years, and they gave us a Monday?!

Tim Wright Love can make you fat. Lust however, best cardio workout ever

Tim Wright Starbucks is planning on selling beer and wine. Apparently it’s getting difficult to sell sober people a $12 cup of coffee

Tim Wright For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions. Now pass the Girl Scout Cookies

Tim Wright Valentine’s Day gifts are like sushi rolls: you’ll regret buying one from a gas station mini-mart

Tim Wright I never knew true evil until I saw a cake recipe that used Miracle Whip

Tim Wright You mean you’ve never knocked someone off a horse with a lance before? Surely you joust

Tim Wright Despite watching several YouTube instructional videos, the appendectomy was unsuccessful

Tim Wright Egyptians probably thought, “Nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do.” Then came the Internet

Tim Wright For those of you who don’t know Spanish, El Chapo translates to The Chapo

Tim Wright It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas, Steve

Tim Wright Happy Festivus!

Tim Wright The Merriam-Webster definition of “plagiarism” was stolen from another dictionary

Tim Wright Shout out to people who are hard of hearing

Tim Wright I’m disappointed that Kim and Kanye aren’t going to name their new baby Wild Wild

Tim Wright I worked hard to establish my neck brace company. I haven’t looked back since

Tim Wright I would rather play Russian Roulette than Monopoly. At least I know there’s an end to that game

Tim Wright Shouldn’t polygamist Mormons be called Morwomens?

Tim Wright All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled

Tim Wright The Allman Brothers couldn’t have had a woman in the band for two reasons

Tim Wright “Would you like some company?”
—Warren Buffett’s financial advisor, probably

Tim Wright Holding a carving knife to someone’s giblets will make anyone thankful

Tim Wright Everyone is complaining about their significant other, and I’m just trying to keep mine charged above 10%

Tim Wright How are people organised enough to have affairs? I can hardly keep up with when garbage day is

Tim Wright Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

Tim Wright I’m at a loss for words, which is not saying much

Tim Wright If you want people to think you’re listening to music, you have to plug the headphones into something. Singing was a nice touch though

Tim Wright In an open-carry church, they say, "Piece be with you"

Tim Wright meerkats > mere cats

Tim Wright I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer to the bottom shelf of the fridge

Tim Wright Caller ID is really just adult hide and seek

Tim Wright If you love had a little lamb so much, then why don’t you marry had a little lamb?

Tim Wright If daylight saving time is such a great idea, why do we stop at just an hour? Let’s set the clock back a whole month

Tim Wright Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween because they don’t like people just showing up at the door

Tim Wright Go vote today. Disappointing the candidates you don’t agree with is easy

Tim Wright The Pillsbury Doughboy is my roll model

Tim Wright Oceanography is all about current events

Tim Wright Ever notice the irony in “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated?”

Tim Wright I’m glad that I’m not a General, because autocorrect just changed “lunch order” to “launch order”

Tim Wright Just ask Tommy. Hilfiger it out

Tim Wright A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone

Tim Wright How to make a list:
7. Write a number; lists have numbers
4. Write another number
9. You’re getting it
16. List master

Tim Wright I don’t understand why they called it “WebMD” when they could have called it “Sickipedia”

Tim Wright The stroke that caused Elmer Fudd’s speech impediment was stwess welated, due to a lack of west and wewaxation

Tim Wright I’m not sure why the fact that the Black Whopper turns your poop bright green makes me want to eat it, but here I am

Tim Wright I have a very good clasp of the English language

Tim Wright Friend just threw milk, butter, and yogurt all over me. How dairy

Tim Wright There are plenty of obstacles to go around

Tim Wright I came into this world with nothing and I still have most of it left

Tim Wright Even my computer says I need to get toner

Tim Wright If all of my friends jumped off of a bridge, I would think I have pretty awesome friends

Tim Wright I wasn’t in the mood to take my vitamins this morning, so I had to use a spoon and make helicopter sounds

Tim Wright So you don’t have a savings account?Just checking

Tim Wright I could make fun of the pope but he’s figured out a way to wear a robe everyday so I guess I’ll keep my mouth shut

Tim Wright Purposely sneeze in front of the Pope to get the most definitive “God bless you” of all time

Tim Wright Sometimes I wish I had Jessie’s girl, but you can’t just find a woman like that

Tim Wright I was invited to the Constipation Anonymous meeting. I can’t go

Tim Wright I’m going to beat this insomnia, even if it takes me the whole night to do it

Tim Wright If I’ve learned anything from my mistakes, it’s that I’m fantastic at making them

Tim Wright You know how in horse racing an ambulance follows the horses and jockeys around the track? I need that when I go jogging

Tim Wright My superpower is getting behind the person who’s obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM

Tim Wright I just want to be as happy as the people in those laxative commercials

Tim Wright I met her at a game of Russian Roulette, and we just clicked

Tim Wright Homemade clocks are pretty alarming

Tim Wright My posts vacillate between really stupid and something that would prove I know what vacillate means

Tim Wright The average American kid watches too much television. When asked about this, parents looked up from their phone and said, “What kid?”

Tim Wright The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Also, snakes, being audited, spiders, death, failure, the vast uncertainty of the universe, etc…

Tim Wright I wanted to be a programmer but I have a real aversion to binary. It’s my number one problem

Tim Wright Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about the dangers of going outside

Tim Wright I wonder what our dogs think we’re doing when we’re staring at our phones

Tim Wright More Kraft Singles were recalled today because of faulty wrappers—wait, there’s a wrapper we were supposed to be removing?

Tim Wright I think someone abducted all of my neighbors. It's after 7:30am on a Saturday and I don’t hear their mowers

Tim Wright If Web MD was realistic, you’d have to sit in your underwear on a piece of paper for 45 minutes while it searched for your results

Tim Wright I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte, and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes

Tim Wright I pay Netflix 8 bucks a month so I don’t have to fall asleep to my own thoughts

Tim Wright If I don’t push my luck, how will I even know that I have any?

Tim Wright Google Maps uses a woman’s voice because they know we’ll listen despite our instincts when she’s wrong to avoid making things even worse

Tim Wright On a scale of the atomic weight of Hydrogen to the Avogadro Constant, how chemically imbalanced are you?

Tim Wright At my age, rolling out of bed is easy.
Getting up off the floor is the hard part

Tim Wright I got a new blender but I’ve been getting mixed results

Tim Wright What if one day Google was deleted and we couldn’t Google what happened to Google? I’m just Bing thoughtful

Tim Wright If they don’t want the stock market to fall, they should give it a mobility scooter or a walker with tennis ball feet

Tim Wright The best way to end decapitation is to fight it head-on

Tim Wright Average jokester → median comedian

Tim Wright There is figuratively no one who knows how to properly use the word “literally”

Tim Wright Turns out those Ashley Madison accounts were easy to hack because most of the passwords were Giggity Giggity

Tim Wright Jokes on you, kids who put shaving cream on my car. I was going to shave my car anyway

Tim Wright If you wait patiently at a construction site, all of the caterpillars will become butterflies—fearsome giant mechanical butterflies

Tim Wright When I have a clipboard full of text that I haven’t pasted, I imagine my computer holding its breath, cheeks puffed, and its mouth full of letters

Tim Wright If we elect Donald Trump president, there will be hell toupee

Tim Wright Too many bad things happen to women named Jane Doe

Tim Wright Science fact: If you measured the distance of the flight path of Apollo 11, it would stretch to the moon and back

Tim Wright I can’t find my glue gun. That’s when everything started falling apart

Tim Wright Reduce your carbon foot print by buying shoes not made from carbon

Tim Wright As president, I will round everything up or down to the nearest dollar and eliminate change

Tim Wright I know karate and tons of other words

Tim Wright I like to call random numbers and say “Psychic Hotline, can I help you?” in hopes that one day I’ll freak out someone who was about to call

Tim Wright Exercising can add years to your life. For example, I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 67

Tim Wright Stand with Rand < Sit with Mitt < Hike with Mike < Windmill with Jindal < Stump with Trump

Tim Wright Why do they call them “jousting competitions” and not “So You Think You Can Lance?”

Tim Wright Sweatpants never judge you

Tim Wright I’d like some crab legs but I can’t afford the surgery

Tim Wright I didn’t eat my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian

Tim Wright We’re having guests over for dinner. Time to put some Little Caeser’s in the boxes we saved from the nice pizza place

Tim Wright I'd have more respect for the word consonant if its correct spelling was cnsnnt

Tim Wright There’s a peculiar Latin word, “ipso,” meaning the thing itself, but it is what it is

Tim Wright I’m going to New Orleans. Is that all right bayou?

Tim Wright Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

Tim Wright I’m an introvert. It’s just the way my bellybutton has always been

Tim Wright I don’t know why it’s called a bank statement. Mine just sort of mumbles

Tim Wright Hands down, 6:30 is the best time on a clock

Tim Wright There was a show on last night called “How to successfully trap a lemur.” I only managed to catch the tail end of it

Tim Wright There’s an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin, and salt in a can. If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT. It’s spam

Tim Wright 2015 English Latin abbreviations:

e.g. = like
i.e. = you know
etc. = or whatever
et al. = or whoever
cf. = check out
viz. = you know

Tim Wright I self-identify with the Greek experience of running out of money in less than one week

Tim Wright I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, “wow! He must be really blind”

Tim Wright Star Trek fans just don’t have the enterprise for space travel

Tim Wright Happy National Ice Cream Day!

Tim Wright I’m sorry, I can’t do anything with you that involves physical activity. My fitbit is charging

Tim Wright They were right, Amazon Prime Day was just like Black Friday. I didn’t buy anything then either

Tim Wright If anyone’s interested, Greece just went up on eBay

Tim Wright I never broke my phone or left it anywhere when I was young, but the cord probably kept that from happening

Tim Wright Schrödinger’s cat is missing, but that’s neither here nor there

Tim Wright On more than one occasion, my refrigerator has really saved my bacon

Tim Wright All I really want from life is for the perforation line on my bill statements to match up with the fold line

Tim Wright You can’t run through a campsite. You can only ran because it’s past tents

Tim Wright Disapproval. Because that’s how eye roll

Tim Wright The best way to market a digital camera is to say there are no negatives

Tim Wright I could probably fall asleep right now if someone could just stop the Internet

Tim Wright My Shark Week lights are still up from last year

Tim Wright It’s not who you know, it’s whom

Tim Wright I’ve got a lot of problems, but at least I’m not lysdexic

Tim Wright All Stonehenge really tells us is that dinosaurs weren’t very good at Tetris

Tim Wright Sorry I uninvited you to my 4th of July party, but you asked if I was serving veggie burgers

Tim Wright For Sale: “For Sale” sign. Never used

Tim Wright Yes, I know you charge extra for the guac so please stop reminding me about my expensive habit

Tim Wright Sometimes I write fitness jokes but they rarely work out

Tim Wright Removing the film cover from Uncle Ben’s frozen dinner: rice peel-off

Tim Wright Wait, all these rainbow profile pics don’t mean that you love skittles? I was way off on that one

Tim Wright One of my goals in life? To finish a tube of chapstick before losing it

Tim Wright Everybody’s a critic, and I don’t think they’re doing it right

Tim Wright If pigs could fly, the price of bacon would be sky high

Tim Wright I used to have pinterest, but the pin fell out and I lost interest

Tim Wright The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don’t have a problem

Tim Wright For Sale: Emperor’s Old Clothes. Must be seen

Tim Wright My doctor says I have a cute tinnitus. That’s a bit inappropriate, and I’d rather he just cure the ringing in my ears

Tim Wright Animal husbandry is legal?

Tim Wright Donald Trump believes there aren’t any problems he can’t overcomb

Tim Wright A car alarm is good for those times when you want people to know your car has an alarm

Tim Wright Nothing cures insomnia quite like realizing it’s time to get up

Tim Wright I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood

Tim Wright Not saying I’m behind in my laundry, but I certainly have the nicest tuxedo in this supermarket

Tim Wright I want my casket to have a crank that plays Jack-in-the-box music

Tim Wright If unnecessarily using prison metaphors is a crime, then lock me up and throw away the key

Tim Wright I used to have a book on how to deal with loss. I can’t find it

Tim Wright I took a shower, but I felt guilty so I put it back

Tim Wright It says a lot about a person when they write an autobiography

Tim Wright Ben Folds because Ben’s an awful poker player

Tim Wright My ability to stay on the rails is unparalleled

Tim Wright IMDb is run by a really proud bee

Tim Wright I was raised by owls. Well, just one owl. It was a hootenanny

Tim Wright I never finish anyth

Tim Wright Do people hang dreamcatchers in their car because they fall asleep at the wheel often?

Tim Wright I’m at my most resourceful when I use the light on my phone to look for my phone

Tim Wright When there’s a tornado warning in Texas, everyone should go to the Cowboys stadium. No chance of a touchdown there

Tim Wright I have a rare disease that prevents me from dancing. I’ve had it for months now, and I can’t seem to shake it

Tim Wright I never fake sarcasms

Tim Wright This may come as a shock to you, but I just dragged my feet across the carpet

Tim Wright Just paid $400 for an air conditioner, and I’m cool with that

Tim Wright I'm so old that I can remember getting through an entire day without taking a picture of anything

Tim Wright Reincarnation is cool because screwing up one life isn’t enough

Tim Wright Who called it “scoring a point in tennis” and not “making a racquet?”

Tim Wright There’s nothing more redundant than a Radio Shack with a “Going Out of Business” sign

Tim Wright I’ve reheated my coffee in the microwave so many times, that now it’s beginning to glow

Tim Wright Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore

Tim Wright The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube

Tim Wright I called to check my balance and I swear that I heard a voice whisper “if you break the ramen noodles packs in two, they last twice as long”

Tim Wright Interest rates are down; chimneys are through the roof

Tim Wright I want to work at a bank so I can get that employee discount on money

Tim Wright Does anyone here have only one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have

Tim Wright Flies spread disease—keep yours zipped

Tim Wright I thought Fall Out Boy was some sort of wardrobe malfunction

Tim Wright I mashed 6.02×10²³ avocados to make this guac a mole

Tim Wright You have no idea what you mean to another person. Don’t ever assume

Tim Wright Give me one good reason why I should look up the word incentive

Tim Wright I wish the government would go through my emails, because I’m never going to

Tim Wright No thanks; five hours of energy sounds exhausting

Tim Wright The NFL concluded their investigation into the Patriots’ deflated balls by asking them to turn their heads and cough

Tim Wright Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS

Tim Wright Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous

Tim Wright I installed the How Old app and got email coupon for half off prune juice

Tim Wright I can’t stand when my foot falls asleep

Tim Wright Just saw Life of Pi. Out of 5 stars, I give it 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825…

Tim Wright The one thing that’s nice about not being rich or handsome is that you know the girl likes you for you

Tim Wright I think it’s only a matter of time before smart phones are bigger than smart cars

Tim Wright Who named it a “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra”?

Tim Wright Big thanks for translating “Le Monde” for me. It means the world

Tim Wright The truth is like a rubber band…the more you stretch it the greater the chance for it to snap back and hit you in the face

Tim Wright My psychotic horse sleeps in an unstable

Tim Wright Why did they call it a selfie stick instead of a narcissistick?

Tim Wright I think my therapist is seeing other people

Tim Wright Being paid to sleep would be my dream job

Tim Wright The weekend can’t get here soon enough, so I’m going to start without it

Tim Wright “Your story checks out,” said the bookstore clerk as she rang me up

Tim Wright Trigonometry gods, show me a sine

Tim Wright What’s worse than your girlfriend sending you a break-up text? A followup text saying, “Sorry that wasn’t for you”

Tim Wright I’m dying to find out who will be at my funeral

Tim Wright Stop putting labels on people, use them for jars instead

Tim Wright Bungee jumping will be my downfall

Tim Wright You can learn a lot about yourself by the words your phone no longer attempts to autocorrect

Tim Wright If my sarcasm bothers anyone, please let me know and I’ll stop

Tim Wright This year, I don’t know whether to screw up my own taxes or pay someone to screw them up for me

Tim Wright Don’t forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that don’t work as hard as you do

Tim Wright Hilary: I’m running for president
America: We have a girlfriend

Tim Wright I stood at a phone charging station at the airport like I was on dialysis

Tim Wright National Sibling Day was invented by sibling companies to sell more siblings

Tim Wright My company sells the best Velcro in the world, guaranteed. And you can hold me to that

Tim Wright I got a thesaurus today. Sorry, I acquired a thesaurus today

Tim Wright Treat each day as your last, and someday you’ll be right

Tim Wright I haven’t trusted autocorrect since I texted someone that the children ate our future

Tim Wright I have no idea what “illuminated” means. Perhaps you can shed some light on it?

Tim Wright I thought I was doing a pretty good job of ignoring the elephant in the room until they gave me a shovel and told me to clean up after it

Tim Wright If you’re making me choose between us and my insufferable use of mathematics puns, then I think I just found ex

Tim Wright I always see the pest in people

Tim Wright Whenever I'm feeling down I just scroll through my eBay feedback and remind myself what a pleasure it is to do business with me

Tim Wright “Suit yourself” —lazy tailors

Tim Wright If oil is made from decomposed dinosaurs, and plastic is made from oil, then plastic dinosaurs are made from—real dinosaurs

Tim Wright Telling that zombie I was going to give him a piece of my mind wasn’t my best choice of words

Tim Wright “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”

Tim Wright Staying awake till 2am so I can change my clocks twice a year is the closest I’ll ever get to time travel

Tim Wright I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow

Tim Wright Apparently “pics or it didn’t happen” is strictly enforced at the gym

Tim Wright Are you concerned about human cloning? That makes two of us

Tim Wright Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography

Tim Wright Microsoft just announced they’re getting rid of Internet Explorer. Now how will we download Chrome?

Tim Wright If you think accidentally sexting your parents is embarrassing, just wait until they return the favor

Tim Wright The thing that hurts most about being stuck in a well is how everyone talks down to you

Tim Wright On scale from 0 to 9999999999, what is your phone number?

Tim Wright If I could make a single wish, it would be to have nothing to wish for

Tim Wright I don’t believe you’re actually “homeless and hungry” if your beard is better groomed than mine

Tim Wright I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine

Tim Wright Using a floppy disk icon for “save” in 2015 is like if they used a horse image on road signs when they mean “car”

Tim Wright To make a long story short, quit right in the middle

Tim Wright There’s no “t” in “China”

Tim Wright Job interview? Bring a sealed jar of pickles and open it to show them that your greatest strength is physical, and your greatest weakness is pickles

Tim Wright “America runs on Dunkin” is a pretty bold claim. In fact, I’d say that most Dunkin Donuts customers don’t run at all

Tim Wright The only convincing answer to the question, “Can you keep a secret?” is “I can’t tell you that”

Tim Wright Who named it the “Apple Watch” and not “A Clockwork Apple”

Tim Wright If you carry a screwdriver in your fanny-pack it's technically a tool belt

Tim Wright If it weren’t for Spring Forward/Fall Back, I’d never get any exercise

Tim Wright Fortune cookie people write cryptic fortunes to intentionally confucius

Tim Wright My favorite thing about Scooby-Doo is that unexplainable events occur and nobody suspects the four out-of-towners with a talking dog

Tim Wright Some people call it “dog tired,” but I prefer the term barkolepsy

Tim Wright Saw a chameleon today, so it wasn’t a very good one

Tim Wright “Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realized that I’d been invited to an autopsy

Tim Wright There must be two dozen pennies in the tray next to the register, give or take

Tim Wright Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is

Tim Wright February is National Time Management Month. Thanks, but I could manage my time better in a month with at least three more days

Tim Wright The “must wash hands” sign in the bathroom has braille underneath the words. I can’t help but wonder how dirty that sign is

Tim Wright Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes

Tim Wright When life throws me a curveball, I try to duck so it hits someone else

Tim Wright The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions

Tim Wright That first kiss in the morning is so special—and the dog enjoys it too

Tim Wright Told the barista at Starbucks my name was Justice just so I could say for once that Justice was served

Tim Wright My phone autocorrected “I need a life coach” to “I need a life couch” and I’ve never felt more understood

Tim Wright The image on my new 4K television is so sharp that it actually seems like the evil girl with the long black hair is coming right out of i—

Tim Wright The world’s 80 richest people are now worth as much as its poorest 3.5 billion, although in fairness, fairness has nothing to do with it

Tim Wright People who wear glasses are spectacular

Tim Wright Misplacing a dumbbell is, without question, the fastest way to lose weight

Tim Wright If a bear attacks you, pretend to be dead. That way, the bear will feel less guilty when it actually kills you

Tim Wright Even on Valentine's Day, my secret admirers take the secret part seriously

Tim Wright First Stephen Colbert leaves the Report, then Jon Stewart is leaving The Daily Show. Where will I get my news now?

Tim Wright NBC has suspended Brian Williams for 6 months hoping that by then we’ll all misremember as much about Brian Williams as Brian Williams does

Tim Wright Horseradish sandwich—extra horse

Tim Wright I can remember a time when “take a picture, it lasts longer” was an insult

Tim Wright McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds, it won’t be long before you’re dead

Tim Wright I named my dog Slobber, because I like how it sounds. It just rolls off the tongue

Tim Wright Obviously The Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga need to do a side project together called “Goo Goo Gaga”

Tim Wright My gourmet specialty is a peanut purée lightly garnished with jellied grape essence nestled on a bed of pain blanc

Tim Wright Ironically, people are still listening to “Let it go”

Tim Wright Eating breakfast in the shower isn’t the time saver I thought it’d be

Tim Wright If you want to mess with someone, tell them “Happy Groundhog Day” when they wake up today

Tim Wright Experts say the first stage of getting over something is denial. I don’t think that’s right

Tim Wright I watch the Super Bowl for the cheerleaders

Tim Wright Got tired of cutting my Adam’s Apple while shaving, so I upgraded to an Adam’s Android.

Tim Wright I was hacked again. Sometimes I wish I never grew up on 12,345,678th Street with a dog named Password

Tim Wright The only reason I don't eat meat every day is because meat is expensive, and I’m not made of money. I am, however, made of meat

Tim Wright My name is Tim, but my friends call me occasionally

Tim Wright I gave 110% once. The check bounced

Tim Wright I’ve finally finished my book about the inner workings of clocks and watches. It’s about time

Tim Wright The yogurt aisle is so confusing. It’s all Greek to me

Tim Wright I don’t mean to brag, but my bank just sent me an email saying that I am outstanding

Tim Wright It’s funny how civilization used to grind to a halt when we lost electricity; now all it takes is losing wifi

Tim Wright Hunting is easier for vegetarians because it’s easier to sneak up on plants

Tim Wright My friend’s Labrador Retriever has yet to retrieve a single Labrador

Tim Wright I’m going to buy a dog and name it “The Fury” just so I can unleash it

Tim Wright I tried to buy a La-Z-Boy but my credit card was reclined

Tim Wright If you believe that you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself

Tim Wright If I had a time machine, I’d pause it so I can get some sleep

Tim Wright They’re called cell phones because we’re pretty much imprisoned by them now

Tim Wright Looking for a spark? Lick a battery

Tim Wright Love triangle? You mean, like…pizza?

Tim Wright My five year plan was based on the Mayan calendar

Tim Wright Thought I lost some weight during the holidays, but I found it

Tim Wright Saw on the news last night that someone had pick pocketed a midget. How could someone stoop so low?

Tim Wright My birth certificate has a lifetime warranty

Tim Wright Isn’t it interesting that the tragedy in Paris took place in one of the toughest gun control countries in the world?

Tim Wright Sorry I invited FEMA to your wedding, but I know a disaster when I see one

Tim Wright People who type in all lower case letters are against capitalism

Tim Wright I had to rewind a VHS tape for my parents. For my next act, I’ll churn some butter and ford a river in a covered wagon

Tim Wright Need to know how to put things in chronological order? First things first

Tim Wright Why do we call it “puppetry” and not a “show of hands?”

Tim Wright Sorry that I called you a narcissist in public. I thought you wanted everyone to know

Tim Wright I’ve gotten so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed

Tim Wright My New Year’s Resolution for 2015 is to be more optimistic and less sarcastic. Like that’s going to happen

Tim Wright 2015 was going to be my year but someone on my news feed already called it

Tim Wright When my iPod’s on shuffle, I skip through so many songs. Apparently, I hate my taste in music

Tim Wright I have a closet full of skeletons so I always have the right skeleton for any occasion

Tim Wright Keep your friends’ clothes, and your enemy’s toaster

Tim Wright Weird how it's so weather outside

Tim Wright If I’m interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate

Tim Wright I always know what to get friends or family members for a special occasion. It's a gift

Tim Wright Rudolph realized it was a blessing in disguise when no one invited him to play Facebook games either

Tim Wright When I said that I have a boat, I meant gravy

Tim Wright Life is too short to unplug the USB drive safely

Tim Wright If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place

Tim Wright When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on

Tim Wright Supercuts is one step away from just handing you the scissors and saying, “Here, you fix it”

Tim Wright Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life

Tim Wright Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough

Tim Wright I’ll take the ten lords a-leaping, but only if they’re Time Lords and we’re quantum leaping

Tim Wright It was probably really easy to sell soda when you were allowed to put cocaine in it

Tim Wright I just wanted to look up obscure medical conditions and Wikipedia is extorting me for three whole dollars

Tim Wright Applied for a job as a server at a restaurant. And now we wait…

Tim Wright I eat meat because Hitler was a vegetarian and I don’t want to end up like him

Tim Wright What’s the world’s most unpronounceable word? It’s hard to say

Tim Wright Got my hand stuck in the bank’s vacuum tube trying to get my receipt and now I’m craving Pringles

Tim Wright Forget everything you’ve been told about having amnesia

Tim Wright Just saw an air freshener so big they had to tie it on top of the car

Tim Wright I break the ice by twisting the tray until I hear a crack and some cubes pop out

Tim Wright There’s a vas deferens between men who have had a vasectomy and those who haven’t

Tim Wright Watching a sofa-bed go from being a sofa to a bed is like watching the laziest superhero ever spring into action

Tim Wright I can still accomplish my New Year’s resolution if I work out 12 times every day this month

Tim Wright I saved thousands of dollars on Black Friday by not buying stuff I don’t need

Tim Wright Settle down commercials. I haven't memorized a phone number in a decade. Don't come at me like I need to know my sleep number and credit score

Tim Wright My brain just logged me out due to inactivity and now I can’t remember my password

Tim Wright My fortune said “don’t take advice from cookies”

Tim Wright If I was invisible…I would hug so many people

Tim Wright If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza

Tim Wright If there’s a better way of showing thanks than eating a large bird followed by pie, I’d like to see it

Tim Wright People that use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites—or insults

Tim Wright “Free range chickens” is a bit much. It makes it sound like a herd of chickens is thundering across the West like wild mustangs

Tim Wright Off to Costco. Who wants a twelve-pack of canoes?

Tim Wright Get off my level

Tim Wright The world is half full of optimists

Tim Wright It looks like bathroom tai chi, but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser

Tim Wright It’s beginning to look a lot like mid-November

Tim Wright You say “alcoholism”; I say “liver crossfit”

Tim Wright 75% of people enjoy making laser pistol noises according to a Pew Pew Research Center poll

Tim Wright Gravity was invented by scientists to control the masses

Tim Wright The price of tea in China is steep

Tim Wright I was planning to get a flu shot until I found out that it isn't a kind of drink

Tim Wright I have no issue with people who have let themselves go, it’s the people who have let themselves stay that bother me

Tim Wright If you want to join our Scrabble club, I can put in a good word for you

Tim Wright Why adopt a highway? I already drive like I own the road

Tim Wright Why are you so easily startled? The answer may surprise you

Tim Wright Acting lessons build character

Tim Wright I thought they called it a lavatory because you don't want to touch the floor

Tim Wright Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

Tim Wright When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on

Tim Wright Of all the Sesame Street residents, why was Big Bird ostrichsized?

Tim Wright Fair play is essential. If the other team uses it, you can beat 'em every time

Tim Wright Go vote today. Not because I am telling you to, but because everyone else is

Tim Wright I found my first gray hair today, but what really bothered me was that it was in my breakfast sandwich

Tim Wright Seven months ago I spent an hour trying to figure out why we still have daylight saving time. There's an hour I'm about to get back

Tim Wright I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me

Tim Wright One of the scariest haunted houses in the country is the US Capitol building. That place is full of monsters with skeletons in the closet

Tim Wright Texting wasn't always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an “s”? You better click that 7 button _four_ times

Tim Wright Just found out that my birthday is on National Pancake Day next year! Woot!

Tim Wright The really impressive thing about the world's oldest person is that they started life as the world's youngest person

Tim Wright I keep a small knife in the drawer beside my bed, so if an intruder does break in, I get to spend my last few seconds rummaging through a drawer

Tim Wright My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside

Tim Wright Thanks for choosing UPS to ship your package. Would you like to purchase insurance in case we completely fail at the only job we're supposed to do?

Tim Wright Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and yet society wants us all to get along

Tim Wright Sean Connery trying to train his dog to sit but it just keeps pooping on the floor

Tim Wright So your dog chased after a meteor and returned five years later with it in his mouth? That's really far-fetched

Tim Wright I wonder if those GMail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name

Tim Wright No, my dog didn’t have surgery. I put the lamp shade on him because his eyes shine too brightly in pictures

Tim Wright I wonder what my dog named me

Tim Wright The time traveller, when visiting the past, was beside himself

Tim Wright Things we can learn from a dog:

• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• When loved ones come home, always run and greet them.
• When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.
• Let others know when they have invaded your territory.
• Take naps and stretch before rising.
• Run, romp, and play daily.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
• Be loyal.
• Never pretend to be something you’re not.
• If what you want is buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
• Thrive on attention.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and sit under a shady tree.
• When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
• No matter how often you are scolded, don’t buy the guilt thing and pout, run right back and make friends.

Tim Wright The worst part of a coughing fit is your dog looking at you thinking “You can’t even bark properly and yet my life depends on you?”

Tim Wright My life coach just benched me

Tim Wright Every time I bend over to tie my shoelaces, Siri asks me if I'm OK. My back is a little sore, but how did she know?!

Tim Wright The rumor that I've been shampooing pigs is hogwash

Tim Wright I really love it when people can't tell whether I'm being sarcastic or not

Tim Wright The only reason I work out is because there are a lot of people I want to outlive

Tim Wright Just got a paper cut opening a band-aid. How convenient

Tim Wright You call it stealing lions from the zoo. I call it taking ownership of pride

Tim Wright Want to keep the Doctor away? There's an Apple for that

Tim Wright A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee

Tim Wright How do you poach an elephant? I mean, I can hardly poach an egg

Tim Wright Most people have never used a semicolon that wasn't part of a winking emoticon

Tim Wright My “walking around” money must have wandered off

Tim Wright Got my flu shot at the Target pharmacy today. Next week I'm having surgery at Costco

Tim Wright Replaced my friend’s Chapstick with a glue stick, but he had little to say about it afterward

Tim Wright You don’t have to go out there and be a role model today, but let’s try not being a life lesson

Tim Wright I mean well, but I keep saying aquifer

Tim Wright I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath

Tim Wright I recently got a full body tattoo that looks just like me

Tim Wright Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

Tim Wright The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog

Tim Wright At least the people that bend their iPhone can feel smugly superior to those that tried to charge theirs in the microwave

Tim Wright I've been trying to eat better, so this morning I used a spoon

Tim Wright How to fall downstairs:
Step 11
Step 7
Step 4
Step 3, 2, 1

Tim Wright Abbreviatiors gonna abbvt

Tim Wright I shake my bottled water so the Hs and Os are evenly distributed

Tim Wright I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does

Tim Wright How many Paranormal Activity movies do they have to make before it counts as a normal activity?

Tim Wright This tuna was caught using sustainable pole and line methods, so it’s basically okay about being in this sandwich

Tim Wright Can't wait for the day when I can take a break from staring at my phone to stare at my watch

Tim Wright Those who don't use their blinker when they make turns have no direction in life

Tim Wright I was chowing down on some chips, Ruffles–the ones with a picture of three whole chips on the front, when I noticed in tiny text just below, “Serving Suggestion”. The nutrition facts on the reverse says the serving size is 1oz (About 12 chips).

After mulling over the implications that this disparity causes (not only the crazy thought of somehow someone having the self control of only eating 12 chips, or even THREE, but that the suggestion is much less than serving size. The “suggestion” is that even Frito-Lay is hinting that we shouldn't be eating these chips. And to mask it under tiny print.), I was treated to images of millions of these bags of chips spoiling all over America, as people limit their consumption to three of these delicacies in a serving.

All this thinking and pondering and pontificating has got me hungry. Oops.

Tim Wright I bet the guy who invented the drawing board got it right on the first try because he had nothing to go back to

Tim Wright They say you only use 10% of your brain, but why would you listen to someone who admittedly only uses 10% of their brain?

Tim Wright Stop asking me why I'm still single—I don't ask you why you're still married

Tim Wright I got a job as a referee. It's official

Tim Wright Staying up late to preorder the new iPhone? Me neither

Tim Wright What if Stacy's mom was Jessie's girl, and her number was 867-5309?

Tim Wright A horse is just a meat bicycle

Tim Wright I may be Schizophrenic, but at least I have each other

Tim Wright Bought a new boomerang but I can't throw away my old one

Tim Wright I can't sleep. All these crickets are throwing off my cicadian rhythm

Tim Wright My dyslexia has reached a new owl

Tim Wright I'll pay you $20 to complete the self-evaluation form for my performance review. Just stress how I take personal responsibility for my worK

Tim Wright Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them

Tim Wright A juice bar called Just Kale Yourself

Tim Wright I'm not an underachiever. I just like to make sure I'm always full of potential

Tim Wright If you love steak so much, why don't you marinate it?

Tim Wright I don’t trust people who say “I married my best friend” because I don't think dogs can truly consent to marriage

Tim Wright “Doctor, what will happen when I put on these glasses?”

“You'll see”

Tim Wright I was going to tell a joke about a basement but that would be beneath me

Tim Wright When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks

Tim Wright Entertain the idea that your ideas are not entertaining

Tim Wright I don't know who ate the cake in the fridge, but somebody smeared frosting on my face to cover their tracks

Tim Wright Glad I wasn't born in France since I don't speak French

Tim Wright Just watched a movie about tornadoes. There was a huge twist at the end

Tim Wright I have a love ate relationship with food

Tim Wright What if this whole ice water thing is just a marketing stunt put on by the bucket industry?

Tim Wright Met an illegal human organs trader. Now there's a man after my own heart

Tim Wright If you throw a baseball at the sign outside a Target store and hit it the entire building falls into a giant pool of water

Tim Wright It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than to figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page

Tim Wright My teleportation firm has collapsed. Customers failed to materialize

Tim Wright New girl doesn't know what a euphemism is. I told her don't worry about it, I'd fill her in later

Tim Wright If that's a smart car, I'd hate to see a stupid one

Tim Wright My bread-making factory has been torched. The business is toast

Tim Wright When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that firefighters usually use water

Tim Wright “I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”
—Robin Williams

Tim Wright Banks put their pen on a chain because they don’t trust me to not steal it, yet for some reason I trust them with all my money

Tim Wright Sounds like my neighbor just got a new vacuum cleaner, and that it’s made by Boeing

Tim Wright “It's not what it looks like,” I tell my friends as they help me search for my pet chameleon

Tim Wright “Pizza Hut, can I take your order?”

“May I speak with the owl, please?”

“Who?”

“Yes, exactly”

Tim Wright Handkerchiefs are actually baby ghosts

Tim Wright I wish I was as confident about the uncertainty of life as the contestants on Wheel of Fortune are about yelling out the wrong answers

Tim Wright Tried to catch some fog in a jar. Mist.

Tim Wright Passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change

Tim Wright Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what you have left

Tim Wright It's pretty cool how all the cell phone providers have the “fastest” network

Tim Wright Power nap is like a regular nap but you burn more calories during it

Tim Wright It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick

Tim Wright Today is National Cheesecake Day

Tim Wright I don't think “safe sex” sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination?

Tim Wright Technically speaking, all shoes are buy one get one free

Tim Wright Friends are like snowflakes. If you pee on them, they disappear

Tim Wright That awkward moment when a midget tells you to get on their level

Tim Wright If you watch Rocky backwards, it's an unboxing video

Tim Wright *Thor’re

Tim Wright Just spotted an albino Dalmatian. It’s the least I could do

Tim Wright Bought a self-help book entitled “How To Walk Further”. It's a step-by-step guide

Tim Wright The best place to keep a caricature of yourself is the bedroom because nobody will see it there, and the caricature will remind you why

Tim Wright Happy National Ice Cream Day!

Tim Wright I was hip in my 20’s, and now I'm a waist

Tim Wright I don't have insomnia, I just live in the wrong hemisphere

Tim Wright If by financial plan you mean, “I have a lottery ticket that I haven't checked yet”…then yes, I have a financial plan

Tim Wright I love how people say they're “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin

Tim Wright The stick figure on the back of my vehicle is for hangman

Tim Wright Got quite good at juggling balls. But if I try more than three, things get out of hand

Tim Wright Pick up the book nearest you. Turn to page 45. Read the first sentence. Write it on the back of a $20 bill and mail it to me. Amazing, huh?

Tim Wright The thing about Workaholics Anonymous is that if you have time to come to the meetings, you don't really have a problem

Tim Wright Today I had an interview for a job as a ninja. I didn't show up, and I got the job

Tim Wright One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leaving

Tim Wright “Okay, that's a wrap”
—Ancient Egyptian morticians

Tim Wright Can't tell you how many grocery store social encounters I've escaped by throwing a bag of flour on the ground and disappearing in the cloud

Tim Wright I take the elevator. That's just how I was raised

Tim Wright Almost had a near-life experience

Tim Wright I already had one leg behind my head when I realized that this was probably not what that interviewer meant by “flexible”

Tim Wright Discount fireworks—because fingers are overrated

Tim Wright I consider myself more of an amateur crastinator

Tim Wright Someone told me there are two ways of looking at every problem; now I feel like I have twice as many problems

Tim Wright Now Luis Suarez “deeply regrets ” biting Giorgio Chiellini and vows not to bite again. He really shouldn't open his mouth

Tim Wright If you have ADD, you can't be in a focus group

Tim Wright I noticed a mosquito in the bathroom while I was peeing. Now the bathroom is soaked in urine, and I have a concussion and a mosquito bite

Tim Wright I had an acute friend pass away; she is with the angles now

Tim Wright If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth the $20

Tim Wright If somebody can't figure out how to leave a voicemail without instructions, I definitely don't want to hear what they have to say

Tim Wright On Long Island they just call it iced tea

Tim Wright I'm lazy. I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button

Tim Wright A rose by any other name would be a ruse

Tim Wright The tangled mess I’ve made of my headphones reminds me that I'd be a terrible spider

Tim Wright Who decided to call it a “birth control”, and not, “let’s not kid ourselves”

Tim Wright Girls with expensive handbags seem so Prada themselves

Tim Wright The things I can do with a cattle prod will shock you

Tim Wright Make sure you tell everyone on Facebook how much you love your mom before telling her

Tim Wright Selling your headphones brand to Apple for $3.2 billion is one way to make sure no one forgot about Dre

Tim Wright If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I expect. Not all this “How did you get in to my house?” business

Tim Wright I live for a living

Tim Wright I don't know why computer hackers chose to go after Target stores. It's almost like somebody put a big bullseye on their sign

Tim Wright Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them

Tim Wright Have a day. That's about as inspirational as I get

Tim Wright I consider myself a compassionate person. If I see a sign that says “Have you seen my dog?”, I will always call and tell them that I haven't

Tim Wright It's kind of cruel that "stutter" has two syllables

Tim Wright Laryngitis means never having to say you're sorry

Tim Wright Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe
Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright

Tim Wright I think my chameleon escaped from its cage, but I can't be sure

Tim Wright Firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

Tim Wright My next song is about subtraction. Take it away…

Tim Wright I love the way airport security can feel me up and down and make me remove my belt and yet somehow I'm still the one under suspicion

Tim Wright Every day is “bring your kid to work day” at the iphone production factory

Tim Wright I'm the kinda guy that, when asked to spell something over the phone, I say “P for psychopath” just to completely throw them off

Tim Wright My signature move is to write my first name followed by my last name, but with a spelling mistake in case I need to dispute the payment later

Tim Wright Just finished writing my tragedy about horses. It's a tale of whoa

Tim Wright We all know a guy who says he knows a guy

Tim Wright You can’t stand being around me? Think about how I feel—I have to be around me all the time

Tim Wright Do you know how irritating it is when people answer their own questions? Very

Tim Wright If you wait, you only get older

Tim Wright It's depressing how the “<3” symbol looks like someone dropped their ice cream cone

Tim Wright Self checkout should include an employee discount

Tim Wright Happy National High-Five Day!

Tim Wright The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something

Tim Wright If you are telling me that I cheat at Scrabble, I'll have to take your word for it

Tim Wright Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them

Tim Wright It takes about 60 seconds to drown in quicksand. Let that sink in for a minute

Tim Wright Superman has died. He was buried in some crypt, tonight

Tim Wright Since my ear surgery, I haven't heard from my doctor. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not

Tim Wright I whispered to my Wi-Fi, “be strong”

Tim Wright I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision

Tim Wright You can’t say “splendid” without doing a British accent

Tim Wright Many truck drivers ask "How's My Driving?", which is extremely worrying, given it's their actual profession

Tim Wright I don’t own a house pet because I don’t believe in keeping houses as pets

Tim Wright If I talked in my sleep, that's how I'd handle every conversation

Tim Wright whats_up.doc

Tim Wright I can't believe that after all of these years, we've never discovered any new letters of the alphabet

Tim Wright I was thinking of seeing a psychic, so I figure a really good one ought to be calling any day now

Tim Wright Opening the dishwasher mid-cycle is like a police raid where everyone inside stands still like nothing was going on

Tim Wright My relationship with my ex was very psychological. She's psycho and I'm logical

Tim Wright Please scan your first place the item in the slide your rewards unexpected item in the please choose your remove your receipt thank you for

Tim Wright I stole a few pancakes syruptitiously

Tim Wright I've been reading "Narcissism for Dummies." It's all about me

Tim Wright Recent statistics show numbers, because that’s how statistics work

Tim Wright The only thing more annoying than people chewing ice are the ones insisting that I stop

Tim Wright Be yourself. You already have the costume

Tim Wright I would totally buy a mansion in Alaska if they were called bigloos

Tim Wright Put my phone on airplane mode and now it's missing

Tim Wright Brains are awesome. I wish everybody had one

Tim Wright Early Romans were so advanced technologically because it was easy to include numbers in their passwords

Tim Wright I always wear a ski mask to bed; if anyone breaks in, they'll think I'm part of the team

Tim Wright The morgue is right around the coroner

Tim Wright The Mayans were thwarted 2000 years ago by the Venetians, without whom it would indeed have been curtains for everyone

Tim Wright When my hair turns grey I think I might dye

Tim Wright Schrödinger’s caterpillar may or may not have become a butterfly

Tim Wright Once you learn how to put on the skis, it’s all downhill from there

Tim Wright My talents include tricking people on the internet to believe I am a cool and funny person

Tim Wright Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them

Tim Wright Rotten pistachios. That's the problem in a nutshell

Tim Wright 2Fast2Furious is probably my favorite movie named after a medium-strength password

Tim Wright Nobody knows the pain caused by a passionate two-week fling ending in sudden rejection quite like a library book

Tim Wright Ever had one of those days? I've had 10964 of them

Tim Wright Do what you love and arrest will follow

Tim Wright Japan's flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan

Tim Wright If you've ever seen a lamb being born, you've basically seen me getting out of bed in the morning

Tim Wright It always makes me laugh when people ask if I have birthday plans and I have to point out that I don't have a plan for anything

Tim Wright Offer cannot be combined with any other offer unless the other offer offers others other offers

Tim Wright I didn't do myself any favors last year while attempting to save characters by messaging my crushes "Happy VD!"

Tim Wright Took some beautiful pictures at the museum today, but they made me give them back

Tim Wright "The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made"
—Jean Giraudoux

Tim Wright I leave my Altoids in the can so that they stay in mint condition

Tim Wright A: Janet Jackson, Lady Gaga, and Narnia
Q: Name three "wardrobe malfunctions"

Tim Wright Why do we call it "going to the doctor", and not "being ill advised"?

Tim Wright There's no excuse for laziness. If you find one, let me know

Tim Wright Last Christmas I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever. I woke up in a box

Tim Wright What we need is more stuff we don't need

Tim Wright A cardboard belt is a waist of paper

Tim Wright As the shoe said to the hat, "You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot"

Tim Wright Thank you ATM fees, for allowing me to buy my own money

Tim Wright A wise man once told me something. I just can't remember what it was

Tim Wright Kids getting a puppy soon? Name it what you want but, remember, this will be the answer to security questions for the rest of your life

Tim Wright People who hurt themselves doing something they love are taken to the hospital in an ambivalence

Tim Wright If today feels like the worst day of your life, remember that there's always tomorrow. Who knows what sort of bad things will happen then

Tim Wright Reports of my depth have been greatly exaggerated

Tim Wright I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools

Tim Wright Jokes about hot-air balloons tend to go over my head

Tim Wright I think I could start a pretty successful company that makes nothing but excuses

Tim Wright I want to defend a penguin in court just so I can say, “Your Honor, my client is clearly not a flight risk"

Tim Wright Stop playing the victim. That’s not even a real instrument

Tim Wright It doesn't bother me when people call me narcissistic, because they're still talking about me

Tim Wright When around blind people, I always screw up and say things like: "See what I mean?"

Tim Wright Mime artists divorce when they run out of things to not say to each other

Tim Wright Ghost dogs are the best kind of ghosts and the worst kind of dogs

Tim Wright You're never to old to throw random stuff in other people's shopping carts when they aren't looking

Tim Wright I'd like to meet people who understand Venn diagrams, but we never mix in the same circles

Tim Wright I didn't lose you. I won me.

Tim Wright It's illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane

Tim Wright My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that

Tim Wright "Leave of absence" is redundant

Tim Wright Ron White: "When I started doing stand-up, the IRS said that I need to file my taxes quarterly—which I thought meant every 25 years"

Tim Wright Sorry I ate all of the chips. It was a snaccident

Tim Wright Is it wrong of me if I buy a Paula Deen cookware set on Black Friday?

Tim Wright For Thanksgiving, I've decided that I'm going to shoot my own turkey. I just hope I don't freak everybody out in the grocery store

Tim Wright My therapist made a big deal out of me sitting in HER chair as I scribbled "territorial" in my notepad

Tim Wright I hid my feelings and I can't remember where I put them

Tim Wright Call me fowl mouthed if you want, but this chicken is delicious

Tim Wright Welcome to Pessimists Anonymous. Sorry there are no chairs, we weren't expecting anyone to show up

Tim Wright I’ll never forget where I was when I heard JFK had been shot—my 8th grade history class

Tim Wright In case you missed my talk about time travel, I'll be discussing it again last week and sometime in the 17th century

Tim Wright Deep down, I knew scuba diving wasn't for me

Tim Wright It's not procrastinating if I have no intention of doing it

Tim Wright I can't stand sitting down. I can only stand standing up

Tim Wright Order a drink at Starbucks, give your name as Waldo, then leave

Tim Wright They say counting sheep will put you to sleep, but 47 lambs just walked into my living room and I've never been wider awake

Tim Wright ATMs should replace the "Temporarily Out Of Service" message with "It's not you, it's me"

Tim Wright How apropos; Gotye is just a singer that we used to know

Tim Wright I'd be lying horribly if I said I wanted to demonstrate why I have such bad posture

Tim Wright Somebody just gave me a shower radio. I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door

Tim Wright I flat-out love planking

Tim Wright I'm carbon neutral. I have no strong feelings about carbon one way or the other

Tim Wright She texted me: "Your adorable."
I replied: "No. YOU'RE adorable."
Now she likes me. All I did was point out her typo

Tim Wright I wish I could illegally download better health-care insurance

Tim Wright That is in fact my cane, I stand corrected

Tim Wright I have OCD and ADD, so everything has to be perfect, but not for very long

Tim Wright I'll see your suspicious behavior, and raise you an eyebrow

Tim Wright Accidentally set my clock back too far and now the time on the VCR won't quit blinking

Tim Wright Am I all alone in the world, or is it just me?

Tim Wright Can't wait until I get a time machine so I can finally put the future behind me

Tim Wright I don't know why they're called smart phones. I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn't even try to get out

Tim Wright If you don’t see me on Halloween, it’ll be because I’ll be wearing my chameleon costume

Tim Wright When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through

Tim Wright Bring fun to a hit-and-run confession by telling police “you’ll never guess who I bumped into last week!”

Tim Wright Thanks elevators for bringing me up when I was down

Tim Wright If you’re nervous about public speaking, DO NOT imagine the audience naked. A roomful of naked people staring at you would be terrifying

Tim Wright Don't criticize yourself so much. There are people out there who will do that for you

Tim Wright According to my imaginary friend's therapist, I don't exist

Tim Wright Positive attitude—may not solve all your problems, but annoys enough people to make it worth the effort

Tim Wright There is a thin line between a kidnapping and a kid-napping

Tim Wright Sometimes I wish I was smarter. But most of the time I just wish other people were

Tim Wright People say circumcision dosen't hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn't walk for nearly a year

Tim Wright The doorbell was the first push notification

Tim Wright These new motion-activated lights in my office are great. Saves money and makes my naps much more enjoyable

Tim Wright IQ is a stat of mind

Tim Wright I'm not doing anything for Halloween so I guess I'm going as The Government

Tim Wright It was nice being known as "Discoverer of the New World", but all Christopher Columbus ever wanted to be called was "conquistadorable." Happy Columbus Day everyone!

Tim Wright I'm in a serious relationship with my WiFi. We just have this connection

Tim Wright Why a man wants a wife is a mystery. Why he would want two wives is a bigamystery

Tim Wright The secret to success is not to tell anyone about it

Tim Wright My crush gifted me a globe. It meant the world to me

Tim Wright It's embarrassing to say I see a psychiatrist, so I call him my drug dealer

Tim Wright Just gave two slices of bread a two-minute makeover in the toaster and they've popped back up looking HOT

Tim Wright If I ever get to fire a baker, I'll wait until he's working with dough and then I'll say, "you won't be kneading this"

Tim Wright If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

Tim Wright I don't understand why we would attack Syria but continue to ignore those massive genocides in Africa. I'm sure oil figure it out eventually

Tim Wright Always remember that you are not worthless. Organs are extremely expensive on the black market

Tim Wright Considering the level of obesity in the U. S., a zombie apocalypse doesn't worry me. There are a LOT of people I can outrun

Tim Wright Monica Lewinsky was the big winner in the last government shutdown, if my memory is correct

Tim Wright It's not really a government shutdown until they hold a Going out of Business sale

Tim Wright Soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish

Tim Wright We live in a society where people have unprotected sex regularly, but these same people go through the trouble to get a case for their phone

Tim Wright Averages are mean

Tim Wright Teach yourself how to get upstairs in twelve easy steps

Tim Wright People who work at the Spam factory must have a really hard time sending emails

Tim Wright I'm too embarrassed to tell my calorie counting app what I ate for dinner last night

Tim Wright If I've learned one thing in my life then the education system here has really disappointed me

Tim Wright People who say fortune favours the brave have clearly never seen those YouTube clips of zookeepers being eaten by lions

Tim Wright You don't need a punchline when your whole life is a joke

Tim Wright "I have a great knock-knock joke, but you have to start it off"

Tim Wright The girl in the ice cream store just asked me if I wanna spoon

Tim Wright Triceps before you biceps

Tim Wright Whenever I see a broken elevator I stair

Tim Wright Everyone's fluent in sign language when they're angry enough

Tim Wright Sleep isn't cutting it for me anymore; I need something stronger

Tim Wright Kinda disappointed this book isn't a "how to" on killing mockingbirds

Tim Wright A doppelgänger walks into a bar and orders a double

Tim Wright My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening

Tim Wright When the alarm goes off as you leave the grocery store, make sure you look around briefly before ignoring it and walking out

Tim Wright A good way to deal with a complex political problem is to bomb it and see what happens

Tim Wright All men are cremated equal

Tim Wright I wear a Life Alert bracelet. If I ever get a life, I want to be alerted

Tim Wright We avoid taking risks in life only to make it safely to death.

Tim Wright If you get excited that jumping on the bed doesn't spill the wineglass on the other side, you are probably an alcoholic

Tim Wright "I don't hit on 18 or over" - solid blackjack advice, questionable dating advice

Tim Wright Death is a life changing experience

Tim Wright Reading a book called Zero Gravity. Literally impossible to put down

Tim Wright If you worry that you aren't creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it

Tim Wright To beat inflation, simply go out and buy a lifetime's supply of everything

Tim Wright You can't have it all. Where would you put it?

Tim Wright I've started taking herbal remedies to treat my dangerously low gullibility levels

Tim Wright I should confront my shyness, but I never will. I hate confrontation

Tim Wright Coffee may not fix your problems, but it'll wake them up

Tim Wright Don’t hate those happy couples riding tandem bikes. They probably met in DUI class

Tim Wright You say I let time slip by. I say it was your turn to keep an eye on it

Tim Wright The best part of a job is taking an off

Tim Wright Got a new hat and I must say, it looks fedorable

Tim Wright I'm a vegetarian not because I love animals—I just really hate plants

Tim Wright If you're going to make me the third wheel on the sidewalk, at least let me stand in front so I can pretend I'm leading my army into battle

Tim Wright Has anyone created a trustworthy drug testing agency called Urine Credible?

Tim Wright We have arrived at a point where our economy is solely running upon a Starbucks on every corner, competing with itself for business

Tim Wright In 1,000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as a punishment

Tim Wright I’m not lazy, but I have considered moving to Alaska so I don’t have to scroll to select my state in a dropdown menu

Tim Wright Even if I could stop being crazy, I wouldn't. It's the only thing I'm good at

Tim Wright My anxiety about enjoying the last day of the weekend always ruins the last day of the weekend

Tim Wright It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green

Tim Wright The average person also swallows seven lizards and one bird in their sleep, but sure, let's hear about all the spiders again

Tim Wright A sign on the wall of the drug store read, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?

Tim Wright I have a very nice body. I actually have several if you're interested

Tim Wright Pulled a hamstring today. Thankfully, it wasn’t mine

Tim Wright Thought I knew the way to a woman's heart, but I got lost outside the pericardium and now I'm too embarrassed to ask for directions

Tim Wright I know I'm out to get me. I came close a couple of times too. One of these days, I just may not be quick enough to get out of my way

Tim Wright My doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on here

Tim Wright "Will you miss me?" is a good way to bid farewell to a firing squad

Tim Wright Is it a coincidence that the word "diet" has "die" in it?

Tim Wright I can't be bothered to change the batteries in my TV remote so I'm just growing my fingernails really long

Tim Wright Turns out that I'm not so much a catch as I am a catch and release

Tim Wright Fish spend their whole life in school and never learn the most important rule: Don't be delicious

Tim Wright I never thought I'd get in trouble for preparing mutton with a lovely marinade, but I was absolutely lambasted

Tim Wright I'm so glad this website has three layers of security. I wouldn't want anyone to break in and pay off my student loans

Tim Wright Dane Cook When Dane Hungry

Tim Wright Dictatorship is when someone tells the people what to do. Democracy is when the people get to choose who tells them what to do

Tim Wright My goal is to learn just enough Spanish so I can occasionally pretend I don't speak English

Tim Wright My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation. We now sell smoothies

Tim Wright I have no bad habits—I'm good at them all

Tim Wright I'm probably the best at being humble

Tim Wright I will gladly pay you yesterday for the use of your time machine today

Tim Wright I spent a month building a time machine. There's 30 days of my life I'm going to get back

Tim Wright Nothing sounds quite as sarcastic as a parrot being interrogated

Tim Wright My password is so strong I think it might be taking steroids

Tim Wright My new book, How To Say No Without Upsetting People, has been very politely declined by publishers

Tim Wright Sorry I misunderstood when you asked me to put your cat down

Tim Wright Excess nose hair is my body's natural way of telling me to quit breathing

Tim Wright Happy National Ice Cream Day everyone!

Tim Wright Of course I'm going to buy the two-pack of deodorant. How many armpits do you have?

Tim Wright I just found a penny on the sidewalk and now I'm literally richer than the entire city of Detroit

Tim Wright Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over

Tim Wright I wonder if Batman checks the sky as much as I check my phone

Tim Wright Business idea: a home surgery kit called Suture Self

Tim Wright I’d love to raise a family someday but I don’t know levitation

Tim Wright I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet. I get hungry

Tim Wright I can think of a few four-letter words to sum up this day, but my favorite is "wine"

Tim Wright My thesis on surgical procedures was marked down because the appendix was erroneously removed

Tim Wright My bucket list is now so long that death is not an option

Tim Wright I once lost my temper; when I found it, it was too late

Tim Wright Someone gave me a heart shaped stress ball and now I’m afraid if I don’t squeeze it every few seconds I’ll die

Tim Wright The Mexican space program is just a dark room with glow in the dark stars on the ceiling

Tim Wright Tossed and turned all night. I need to stop sleeping in the clothes dryer

Tim Wright Tried to drown my sorrows last night. Turns out, they can swim

Tim Wright No one sends mixed signals better than the person who replies “Who cares?” on a Facebook post

Tim Wright If you want to call a family meeting, just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room where it's located

Tim Wright Alcohol and fireworks—what could go wrong

Tim Wright Falling asleep during an interview is an excellent way to show that you're calm under pressure

Tim Wright If you don’t like the government spying on its citizens, apparently you should move to Russia

Tim Wright Drilling for natural gas is fracking awesome

Tim Wright It’s a little known fact that George Washington’s head on the U.S. quarter is actual size

Tim Wright I dated a midget once; I was nuts over her

Tim Wright If you've seen one drunk girl in heels you've seen them fall

Tim Wright I was really hoping the Supreme Court would strike down marriage entirely

Tim Wright When arguing with an idiot, make the other person isn't doing the same thing

Tim Wright Dropped out of skydiving school

Tim Wright Garage sales are a good place to find stuff to sell at your next garage sale

Tim Wright Sometimes, I feel as useful as a paramedic at the bottom of the Grand Canyon

Tim Wright Paula Deen may have lost her job at Food Network, but she just signed on for the next Tarantino movie

Tim Wright Bad credit? No credit? No problem! We just won't loan you anything

Tim Wright Sorry but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin

Tim Wright It's only 3,300 minutes until Monday; just in case you were getting excited about the weekend

Tim Wright I didn't have change for the homeless guy, so I gave him my friend's Netflix login

Tim Wright My biggest fear is dropping my phone in the toilet and not being able to take a picture of it

Tim Wright A friend of mine had surgery to get part of her colon removed. Now she has a semi-colon

Tim Wright No one had to show me how to be tightly wound; I'm self-taut

Tim Wright Just sending Father's Day cards to the 50 richest men in the world. Has to work one year

Tim Wright You kiss your mother with that mouth? —Oedipus

Tim Wright "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"
*Hitler rubs chin* "So mine less"
[Grammar Nazi busts in] "MINE FEWER"
[Hitler looks up] Yes?

Tim Wright Life is a gift. You never get the one you really wanted

Tim Wright I love how Batman has all these high tech gadgets, but for the Bat Signal they're like "How 'bout a super big flashlight?"

Tim Wright If I opened a car repair shop, I would call it Auto Correct

Tim Wright Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious

Tim Wright When I die, I'm leaving all my debts to charity

Tim Wright It’s considered poor etiquette to ask a blind person if they’re currently seeing anyone

Tim Wright iveOS7

Tim Wright When pigs fly, we’ll finally have delicious pork wings

Tim Wright Too bad André the Giant never got around to opening a Vietnamese restaurant called “Phee Phi Pho Phum”

Tim Wright Candy crush sounds like the name of an overweight stripper

Tim Wright "No, YOU hang up first" —The NSA

Tim Wright “We will continue fighting aggressively to keep your information safe and secure.”—Mark Zuckerberg

I don't think I could post anything that would top the hilariousness of that statement.

Tim Wright Happy National Doughnut Day everyone!

Tim Wright I aspire to inspire before I expire

Tim Wright Carpenters are only in it for them-shelves

Tim Wright These Goldfish crackers don't even taste like real goldfish

Tim Wright Teach pickpockets a lesson by keeping your bag and pockets full of mousetraps at all times

Tim Wright If each day is a gift, I'd love to know where I can return Mondays

Tim Wright When people say "needless to say", it's needless to say that needless stuff will soon be said

Tim Wright I don't expect to have everything handed to me. Just set it down wherever

Tim Wright Smart cars are not only economical, they're also dishwasher safe

Tim Wright I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time

Tim Wright Did y'all see that documentary on Discovery about how an airplane's fuselage is held together? It's riveting

Tim Wright He said, "Your obsession with cats is out of control. I can't handle it anymore."

She cried, "You're kicking meeeowt?"

Tim Wright Dogs can't see inside your mind, but catscan

Tim Wright If you're reading this right now, have a great day

Tim Wright No one really chooses to live in a sewer. It's something you just kind of fall into

Tim Wright Before realizing my phone can't display emojis, I thought my mom was always asking me, "I love you?"

Tim Wright The administration might want to come up with a better term than "crack down" when talking about sexual assaults in the military

Tim Wright Be the life and soul of the party by drinking alone in a cemetery

Tim Wright Don't think of yourself as "single". Think of yourself as "independently owned and operated"

Tim Wright Sometimes I wrap myself in bows and call myself gifted

Tim Wright Sometimes I put a little cape on my laptop so it turns it into a supercomputer

Tim Wright Every time I let my phone run out of battery, I remember why I'm no longer allowed to have pets

Tim Wright Just because nobody complains doesn't mean that all parachutes are perfect

Tim Wright Hyperbole is easily the best word ever

Tim Wright I hate wet grass in the morning...with all dew respect

Tim Wright It's always nice when someone asks if they can spoon you...unless they're a cannibal

Tim Wright Towels are the leading cause of dry skin

Tim Wright You can be anything you want to be as long as you are delusional

Tim Wright I'd like to thank my mom for being there and helping me out of some real tight spots over the years—starting with the day I was born

Tim Wright I hope to get over my pessimism one day, but I doubt it

Tim Wright The best thing about going to a Brazalian restaurant is you know there'll be no hair in your food

Tim Wright You'll never believe what my imaginary friend just did!

Tim Wright Mirror inspector is a job that I could really see myself doing

Tim Wright I'm the Taylor Swift of going through jars of Nutella

Tim Wright Do I care about the Kentucky Derby? Neigh

Tim Wright Made a list of things to worry about, and my biggest fear is that I left something off

Tim Wright May the 4th be with you

Tim Wright When I was a kid, I used to do this magic act where I'd pull a cloth up over my head and then vanish. I was just going through a stage

Tim Wright Car alarms should sound like two chicks having a fight. I would look out the window for that

Tim Wright Based on my calculations, I should be able to retire about five years after I die

Tim Wright Traffic jam tastes horrible

Tim Wright I once thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken

Tim Wright Cop: you were driving while intoxicated
Me: I was in no condition to walk

Tim Wright I was on a date with this really cute lady. We had dinner and saw a movie. We accidentally bumped knees. Then the plane landed

Tim Wright Is six degrees of separation realistic? Asking for a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend

Tim Wright I try not to make snap judgements, but you’re not applying enough pressure between your middle finger and thumb

Tim Wright If you're going to burn our flag, wrap yourself in it first

Tim Wright I could describe myself as a nihilist, but what's the point?

Tim Wright I walked around Home Depot for an hour because I refused to ask a guy where I can get a "stud finder"

Tim Wright Are nouns still a thing? Or just a person or place?

Tim Wright I think I give great relationship advice, assuming you want to be single soon

Tim Wright I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out

Tim Wright Pessimism tells us that everything is terrible and can't get any worse; optimism tells us that it can

Tim Wright Whoever stole my shoes while I was in that bouncy castle needs to grow up

Tim Wright Have you ever asked yourself if you have a split personality?

Tim Wright I don't understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm there

Tim Wright "We need to talk" is a good thing to say if you're about to break up with a mime

Tim Wright Some people are so poor that all they have is money

Tim Wright Slept like a baby last night. I cried for four hours, then crapped my pants

Tim Wright I ordered a self help tape called "How to handle disappointment" When the package came, the box was empty!

Tim Wright In 1947, a coroner zips the body bag of Al Capone and unknowingly becomes one of the first legit gangster wrappers

Tim Wright I know that I'm a total catch, but so is herpes

Tim Wright It's amazing how much you can't accomplish when you do nothing

Tim Wright Saying "the sky's the limit" is a terrible way to motivate young astronauts

Tim Wright If I had $20 for every Macklemore song that I know, I'd only have $20 in my pocket

Tim Wright I once had a handle on life, but it broke

Tim Wright I can count the amount of road rage I have on one middle finger

Tim Wright So, I assume the meet-up in North Korea is off

Tim Wright In my next life I want to be the person I aspired to be in this one

Tim Wright People who say I'm going to die alone make me think they're planning on taking others with them

Tim Wright One guy made sure that no parent could name their son Adolf. How's that for a trademark

Tim Wright Now that I’m older, my memory is a mighty fortress. Nothing penetrates it

Tim Wright I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of "Saving Private Ryan"

Tim Wright When people ask me for advice, I tell them, "use your best judgment," which they clearly don't have if they are asking for my advice

Tim Wright My friend asked me to lend him some protein, but I told him no whey

Tim Wright My ex told me that I'd never find a girl like her again. God, I hope that's true

Tim Wright I'm not saying I am Batman. I am just saying that no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room

Tim Wright The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober

Tim Wright When I die I want to be cremated. On the day before I will eat a pound of raw popcorn kernels. My relatives will not be sad

Tim Wright My athletic body is a result of running from my problems

Tim Wright I showed my therapist some of these posts and now she's seeing a therapist

Tim Wright If time is money, then ATMs are technically time machines

Tim Wright It's called apathy, people. Look it up or whatever, I don't care

Tim Wright The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it

Tim Wright I can't believe Lance Armstrong and I are tied in Tour de France winnings!

Tim Wright Changes are ahead, don't be taken aback. I'll keep you abreast once I figure out what is afoot

Tim Wright They say that having too many cold cuts causes cancer, but I think that's just a bunch of bologna

Tim Wright You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary

Tim Wright Beware of half truths. You may get the wrong half

Tim Wright A shepherd once told me to count his 37 sheep and then round them up. So I told him there were 40

Tim Wright Most women want someone who makes them laugh and feel safe. Basically a clown ninja

Tim Wright Due to the Daylight Saving exchange rate, Canadians lost one hour and two minutes last night

Tim Wright Next time you're sitting at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven’t picked one out yet"

Tim Wright The only job of a philanthropist is to make sure everyone knows they are one

Tim Wright Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken

Tim Wright The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?

Tim Wright What those Red Bull ads don't say is that it gives you tiny vestigial wings, useless for human flight. And they don't even mention the beak

Tim Wright You say you want to bring me back to reality. You're assuming I've been there before

Tim Wright Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year's resolutions

Tim Wright I don't understand why all this horse meat is showing up everywhere when cows are so much easier to catch

Tim Wright A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.
As the plane begins to accelerate, the passengers see the end of the runway rapidly approaching, with certain doom awaiting at the end if the pilots really can't see what they're doing. Just before the end of the runway, all the passengers scream together--right before the plane lifts off. They're a little upset, but relieved that the pilots aren't really blind.
In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and remarked: "you know, Lou, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and then we'll be in real trouble!"

Tim Wright Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle

Tim Wright No, officer, I didn't know my taillight was out—because I'm not driving behind myself

Tim Wright But of course, let's outlaw guns and they'll go away. That's how we got everyone off drugs

Tim Wright Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am

Tim Wright Pocket watches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones, which we keep in our pockets

Tim Wright "You know what floats my boat? Buoyancy."

Tim Wright Surprisingly, the one thing I almost never use paper clips for, is holding paper together

Tim Wright If I ever do another eulogy for a guy whose parachute didn't open, I'll probably leave out the "he left a huge impression on this Earth" part

Tim Wright Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?"—especially when you're wearing a Batman costume

Tim Wright Getting a job repairing revolving doors was a real turning point in my life

Tim Wright Having heard about deer antler spray, I now know how reindeer fly

Tim Wright I decided to kick myself into gear this morning. I settled on "Park"

Tim Wright If my phone ever gets stolen, one of my biggest worries will be that the thief is reading my draft status updates

Tim Wright I'm giving up my hopes and dreams for Lent

Tim Wright At least you didn't go on a crappy V-day cruise

Tim Wright Nothing says romance (and obesity) more than finishing all the Valentine candy I bought for myself

Tim Wright I gave someone special a pint of blood for Valentine's Day. It came from the heart

Tim Wright I'm worried sick with all the unrest in Africa. I hope my Nigerian princes are safe and are still getting the checks I've been sending

Tim Wright Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "ing"—Idiots

Tim Wright Of course the addicts would point out that I misspelled "Percocet"

Tim Wright Just saw a set of parents with two kids on a leash. I asked if they were friendly before trying to pet them

Tim Wright When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches"

Tim Wright I just realized my entire life is loosely based on a true story

Tim Wright Apparently, California has the highest rate of adultery and depression. It's a sad State of affairs

Tim Wright A bunch of internet weirdos voted the new Monopoly piece to be a cat. Well, there's a surprise

Tim Wright At the end of the day, it's 11:59 PM

Tim Wright Does my politeness offend you? Well, I'm very sorry about that

Tim Wright "Release the crackin'!"—my joints when I get out of bed in the morning

Tim Wright This halftime is better than the Beyonce one

Tim Wright The woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised

Tim Wright People worry about silly things like money. I only worry about life threatening things, like what would happen if sharks learn to fly

Tim Wright I'm taking a karate class online. So far I have broken two computer screens

Tim Wright If anyone tried to steal my identity I would just think "now it's their problem"

Tim Wright The condensed history of a divorce:
I do.
Ado.
Adieu.

Tim Wright My friend has got an excellent nose for wine. It's shaped like a corkscrew

Tim Wright If my neighbors came by uninvited in real life as much as they do in sitcoms, I'd move

Tim Wright I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes

Tim Wright A toast! To bread!

Tim Wright To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present: they are due back at the library today

Tim Wright Ask your doctor if inviting a bunch of clowns into your bedroom to stare at you while you sleep is right for you

Tim Wright I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand

Tim Wright The new status update prompts on here are starting to get creepy. This morning mine said, "Are you really going to wear that shirt, Tim?"

Tim Wright I had to stop dating my cross-eyed girlfriend. She kept seeing someone else

Tim Wright Allow me to play doubles advocate here for a moment. For all intensive purposes I think you are wrong. In an age where false morals are a diamond dozen, true virtues are a blessing in the skies. We often put our false morality on a petal stool like a bunch of pre-Madonnas, but you all seem to be taking something very valuable for granite. So I ask of you to mustard up all the strength you can because it is a doggy dog world out there

Tim Wright I'm not much of a hunter-gatherer. I'm more of a sitter-watcherer

Tim Wright Pack-a-day smokers make enough ash to fill a small bowl. Of course, they don’t all get cremated

Tim Wright Manti Te'o, Oprah would like to talk to you for a minute

Tim Wright In my defense, the sign in the laundromat said, "When the buzzer sounds, please remove your clothes"

Tim Wright Happy new year guys. All the best this year

Tim Wright New years resolution: Be more gooder at grammer and speling

Tim Wright They say you should test your fire alarm once a month. I try but it's costing me a fortune in houses

Tim Wright I became a parent recently when I adopted a highway. Now I'm trying to teach it to pick up after itself

Tim Wright I'm trying the new gin diet. I've lost 4 days this week

Tim Wright What's my Christmas present?
You see that yellow Ferrari over there?
YES?!
Well I got you a notebook in the same color.

Tim Wright On a postcard that I received this morning, "Weather here, wish you were great"

Tim Wright If you received any gifts from IKEA that require assembly that person probably hates you

Tim Wright I slept late this morning; did Santa see his shadow?

Tim Wright I lost an electron today. I really gotta start keeping an ion them

Tim Wright I feel like we are drifting apart. Maybe it's time we sea otter people

Tim Wright I'm working out right now. I'm exercising my eyebrow muscles by raising them high. Try it; you'll be surprised!

Tim Wright Apparently Mayan calendars are selling like there's no tomorrow

Tim Wright I think a little moderation is fine if you don't overdo it

Tim Wright Bank of England Governor: "Things may be bad but they're better than next year."

Tim Wright If you are trying to insult me, you are going to have to use smaller words

Tim Wright Karl Marx's grave is just another communist plot

Tim Wright I hate when you look in your closet for clothes and find Narnia instead

Tim Wright I may say some awful things at times, but jokes about tragedies are not funny.

Tim Wright If the Mayans were wrong, it wouldn't be the end of the world

Tim Wright I was thinking about becoming a dermatologist but I don't want to make any rash decisions

Tim Wright I have fond memories of my one night stand; it was made out of oak

Tim Wright If you want to find out who's been avoiding paying their fair share of the taxes, just go to Google and...it's them

Tim Wright I have a very rare condition called acrovaultophobia; a fear of hurdles. You don't get over that

Tim Wright You had me at unibrow

Tim Wright I accidentally went to a party once w/out my phone so to avoid human interaction I pretended to look for something in a couch for 3 hours

Tim Wright The number of really good looking chivalrous guys is fine knight

Tim Wright Feeling super ambitious today. I may take a shower at some point

Tim Wright Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love

Tim Wright Feeling sad again. Maybe if my TV were a little bigger things might finally turn around for me

Tim Wright Sometimes I will text while driving, but I'll always stop to text when I'm pushing a shopping cart

Tim Wright Losing weight means you'll look good in clothes. Exercising means you'll look good naked.

Tim Wright Just saw a bottle of Smart Water was $2. I drank from a fountain like an idiot

Tim Wright I don't need to buy a lottery ticket to remind myself that I'm a loser

Tim Wright Don't break anyone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones, they have 206

Tim Wright When it comes to pooping, I have a can doodoo attitude

Tim Wright I lock the bathroom door for your benefit, not mine

Tim Wright When wearing the Batsuit, the only thing Batman fears is diarrhea

Tim Wright I'm never more focused than when the toilet paper is down to the last couple of revolutions

Tim Wright No more deep-fried Twinkies at the fair?! Now how am I supposed to kill myself

Tim Wright It's cool how my driver's seat reclines ridiculously far back like it knows I'll be homeless and sleeping in my car someday

Tim Wright Black Friday: because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have

Tim Wright I'm having a small, quiet family dinner for Thanksgiving. Small, quiet families are easier to eat than large loud ones

Tim Wright If you had a penny for every smartphone you've dropped in the toilet, you'd probably drop the pennies in the toilet too

Tim Wright I feel pretty confident that whoever steals my idenity will inevitably improve my credit score

Tim Wright Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking

Tim Wright The person you are in love with is 75% water

Tim Wright The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money

Tim Wright Need some quick advice. Do I want my receipt in the bag?

Tim Wright My free-range chicken sandwich just got up and walked away

Tim Wright People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments

Tim Wright Apparently when the waitress asks "How is everything?", she's not really asking about everything; just the food

Tim Wright A car pool is an extravagant waste of water

Tim Wright Everyone has a talent. Mine is the ability to convince people I have a talent

Tim Wright My life has a great cast, but I can't figure out the plot

Tim Wright I know it's going to be a bad day when I jump out of bed and miss the floor

Tim Wright Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived

Tim Wright If anyone is now moving to Canada, please get in touch. I may want to buy your house

Tim Wright That awkward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you

Tim Wright I can't help but think that if bin Laden were alive today, he'd be gasping for breath at the bottom of the ocean

Tim Wright I'm all for gaining an hour on the weekend, but why can't we lose the hour at 3 PM on a Monday?

Tim Wright My superpower is being able to stop even the most basic piece of technology from working

Tim Wright If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people

Tim Wright It smells like someone is cooking breakfast in my house. Not sure if I should call the cops now or wait until after I eat

Tim Wright The best way to avoid a cold is washing your hands and never having children

Tim Wright My definition of the perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from visiting

Tim Wright Trying to make a couple of quick bucks cost me my job when the other scientists caught me injecting the laboratory rabbits with steroids

Tim Wright "Nobody’s life ever really falls apart, exactly. Lives unravel, thread by thread."
—Alex Payne

Tim Wright The Mayans were right; I just peeked ahead and my calendar ends after December!

Tim Wright I wish there was a rollover plan for childhood naps I refused to take

Tim Wright Celebrate Amelia Earhart day. Get lost

Tim Wright The moon is full of mysterious landscapes and craters. On the bright side, you can see them.

Tim Wright Diary of a Newborn:
Day 1, Still tired from the move.
Day 2, Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot

Tim Wright One of these days I might find a Chinese abacus for sale at a reasonable price, but I'm not counting on it

Tim Wright Marriage should be defined as being between a man and a binder

Tim Wright When the doctor told me that he'd messed up my operation, my heart was in my mouth

Tim Wright I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses; especially if they're empty

Tim Wright It's hard for a woman to find a sensitive, caring and good looking man because those men already have boyfriends

Tim Wright Thanks to Halloween, the cobwebs in my house have just become decorations

Tim Wright I'm so glad I don't have to hunt for my food; I don't even know where sandwiches live

Tim Wright My phone wastes 5% of its battery life to repeatedly warn me it's running low

Tim Wright The worst thing about having more money than sense is probably the fact I don't have very much money

Tim Wright I've been told I lack direction. Down is a direction

Tim Wright People who sleep in socks must be very very small

Tim Wright It doesn't take much to make a woman happy. However, it takes even less to make her angry

Tim Wright I don’t want everything. Most of it has to be fed, fixed or cleaned

Tim Wright My bed is this magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do

Tim Wright We had a team building competition at work—and I won

Tim Wright I would die if my doctor told me I only had two weeks to live

Tim Wright Went to church this morning. The crackers and juice were ok but the holy water tasted like dirty fingers

Tim Wright People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body

Tim Wright The worst part about sharing a name with someone famous is I'm always telling people, no, I'm not THAT Batman

Tim Wright If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party

Tim Wright It's odd how all the 'intelligent life detection devices' are pointed away from earth

Tim Wright If I can be of any help to you, then you're in worse trouble than you think

Tim Wright Going to the gym now. I haven't told anyone yet because I wanted you guys to be the first to know

Tim Wright No one's ever been too fat to fit through the door of a supermarket. Intelligent design

Tim Wright I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing

Tim Wright The GPS said that I have to get ready to turn left in one mile and I'm not even close to being prepared

Tim Wright I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should cause car accidents more often

Tim Wright Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn't even listening to you

Tim Wright There are two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors

Tim Wright Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless you're overweight

Tim Wright Alzheimer's: new friends every day

Tim Wright I don't just have issues. I have a subscription

Tim Wright I got into skinny jeans for a little while but I just couldn't pull them off

Tim Wright Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often

Tim Wright Gandhi for Capitalists: Be the chains you wish to see in the world

Tim Wright If I were stranded on a dessert island and could only take one thing, I'd pick a spoon

Tim Wright There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you're supposed to be doing something else

Tim Wright Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every tenth caller was a winner

Tim Wright "Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills

Tim Wright You're always welcome in the "Show Me" state because Missouri loves company