Tim Wright Tim the Enchanter

Tim Wright Happy National Cheesecake Day!
Tim Wright I’m not narcissistic, I just wonder how all of this pertains to me
Tim Wright I just pulled over for a siren on the radio, so I completely relate to dogs that bark at the TV
Tim Wright Plot twist: the struggle is imaginary
Tim Wright Saw the Grand Canyon. It was just gorges
Tim Wright If you don’t recognize Tom Petty when he comes on the radio, then don’t come around here no more
Tim Wright Driving in circles was fun, in a roundabout way
Tim Wright Happy National Ice Cream Day!
Tim Wright If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys
Tim Wright I’ve never found a solution to anything in the bottom of a bottle, but after the first drink I have the answers to everything
Tim Wright I run when I sleepwalk because I’m fast asleep
Tim Wright ‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Frukoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Latervia. Byegium
Tim Wright July the 4th be with you
Tim Wright What’s your favorite song about lime-coconut remedies?
Tim Wright I want the confidence of the old naked guys in the gym locker room
Tim Wright I want to be a knight in shining armor. Not for a woman, I just live in America so it seems like the best way to stay safe in public
Tim Wright It’s not a “drawbridge lever”, it’s called the “moat control”
Tim Wright Someone just called me “Ace” and now I feel like I’m either better than a king or worse than a 2
U=FR over 2T
you = forever tooty
Tim Wright Just found out AT&T; stands for American Telephone and Telegraph. I think my internet is connected to the telegraph side
Tim Wright I wasn’t trying to push all of your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute
Tim Wright Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think
Tim Wright I don’t like who I become when there’s an unattended box of doughnuts lying around at the office
Tim Wright National Donut Day > National Full-Size Spare Day

Happy National 🍩 Day everyone!
Tim Wright Taylor and Calvin Harris broke up. That was Swift
Tim Wright People may look at me funny for not taking the elevator but I’ll take the stares
Tim Wright I used to have a foot fetish. Now I’m totally into the metric system
Tim Wright They say the average person checks their phone 80 times a day. Finally I’m above average at something
Tim Wright Netflix gives you 15 seconds between episodes to decide whether or not you’re doing anything with your life today
Tim Wright Smoking may cause cancer, but it cures ham
Tim Wright I tried cutting my own bangs, but I couldn’t even
Tim Wright Of course Trump loves taco bowls. It’s Mexican with a wall around it
Tim Wright Revenge of the Fifth
Tim Wright Extra virgin olive oil is just like regular olive oil but with more Star Wars action figures

May the Forth be with you!
Tim Wright Earth Day. What can you buy for a planet that literally has everything?
Tim Wright Happy National High-Five Day 🙏🏼
Tim Wright This year when I checked the “Single” box on my tax form, the IRS is sending me a cat
Tim Wright I am at my most sexy when I’m looking for my phone while texting
Tim Wright I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, “that’s the last thing I need”
Tim Wright Washed down two Tylenol with a glass of champagne because water is for peasants and being sober gives me a headache
Tim Wright Don’t worry—My bird puns fly over my head too
Tim Wright Nothing says “Good Morning” like a nice pot of coffee made in the bathroom. Thanks hotels, you thought of everything
Tim Wright Quick reminder: April Fool’s Day has been moved to the 2nd because of leap year
Tim Wright March is Fraud Awareness Month…or is it?
Tim Wright I’d be embarrassed if I got caught stealing kitchen utensils, but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take
Tim Wright I’m never worried when my mom wants to look at pics on my phone because I know that five seconds later she’ll say, “I don't know how to work this”
Tim Wright They’re taking an entire hour out of our day? And on a Sunday, no less? Clearly this is an attack on our religious freedoms. Thanks, Obama
Tim Wright Why do you want to ride the crazy train? What is your loco motive?
Tim Wright I thought Fifty Shades of Grey was a coloring book for dogs
Tim Wright We only get one extra day every four years, and they gave us a Monday?!
Tim Wright Love can make you fat. Lust however, best cardio workout ever
Tim Wright Starbucks is planning on selling beer and wine. Apparently it’s getting difficult to sell sober people a $12 cup of coffee
Tim Wright For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions. Now pass the Girl Scout Cookies
Tim Wright Valentine’s Day gifts are like sushi rolls: you’ll regret buying one from a gas station mini-mart
Tim Wright I never knew true evil until I saw a cake recipe that used Miracle Whip
Tim Wright You mean you’ve never knocked someone off a horse with a lance before? Surely you joust
Tim Wright Despite watching several YouTube instructional videos, the appendectomy was unsuccessful
Tim Wright Egyptians probably thought, “Nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do.” Then came the Internet
Tim Wright For those of you who don’t know Spanish, El Chapo translates to The Chapo
Tim Wright It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas, Steve
Tim Wright Happy Festivus!
Tim Wright The Merriam-Webster definition of “plagiarism” was stolen from another dictionary
Tim Wright Shout out to people who are hard of hearing
Tim Wright I’m disappointed that Kim and Kanye aren’t going to name their new baby Wild Wild
Tim Wright I worked hard to establish my neck brace company. I haven’t looked back since
Tim Wright I would rather play Russian Roulette than Monopoly. At least I know there’s an end to that game
Tim Wright Shouldn’t polygamist Mormons be called Morwomens?
Tim Wright All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled
Tim Wright The Allman Brothers couldn’t have had a woman in the band for two reasons
Tim Wright “Would you like some company?”
—Warren Buffett’s financial advisor, probably
Tim Wright Holding a carving knife to someone’s giblets will make anyone thankful
Tim Wright Everyone is complaining about their significant other, and I’m just trying to keep mine charged above 10%
Tim Wright How are people organised enough to have affairs? I can hardly keep up with when garbage day is
Tim Wright Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Tim Wright I’m at a loss for words, which is not saying much
Tim Wright If you want people to think you’re listening to music, you have to plug the headphones into something. Singing was a nice touch though
Tim Wright In an open-carry church, they say, "Piece be with you"
Tim Wright meerkats > mere cats
Tim Wright I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer to the bottom shelf of the fridge
Tim Wright Caller ID is really just adult hide and seek
Tim Wright If you love had a little lamb so much, then why don’t you marry had a little lamb?
Tim Wright If daylight saving time is such a great idea, why do we stop at just an hour? Let’s set the clock back a whole month
Tim Wright Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween because they don’t like people just showing up at the door
Tim Wright Go vote today. Disappointing the candidates you don’t agree with is easy
Tim Wright The Pillsbury Doughboy is my roll model
Tim Wright Oceanography is all about current events
Tim Wright Ever notice the irony in “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated?”
Tim Wright I’m glad that I’m not a General, because autocorrect just changed “lunch order” to “launch order”
Tim Wright Just ask Tommy. Hilfiger it out
Tim Wright A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone
Tim Wright How to make a list:
7. Write a number; lists have numbers
4. Write another number
9. You’re getting it
16. List master
Tim Wright I don’t understand why they called it “WebMD” when they could have called it “Sickipedia”
Tim Wright The stroke that caused Elmer Fudd’s speech impediment was stwess welated, due to a lack of west and wewaxation
Tim Wright I’m not sure why the fact that the Black Whopper turns your poop bright green makes me want to eat it, but here I am
Tim Wright I have a very good clasp of the English language
Tim Wright Friend just threw milk, butter, and yogurt all over me. How dairy
Tim Wright There are plenty of obstacles to go around
Tim Wright I came into this world with nothing and I still have most of it left
Tim Wright Even my computer says I need to get toner
Tim Wright If all of my friends jumped off of a bridge, I would think I have pretty awesome friends
Tim Wright I wasn’t in the mood to take my vitamins this morning, so I had to use a spoon and make helicopter sounds
Tim Wright So you don’t have a savings account?Just checking
Tim Wright I could make fun of the pope but he’s figured out a way to wear a robe everyday so I guess I’ll keep my mouth shut
Tim Wright Purposely sneeze in front of the Pope to get the most definitive “God bless you” of all time
Tim Wright Sometimes I wish I had Jessie’s girl, but you can’t just find a woman like that
Tim Wright I was invited to the Constipation Anonymous meeting. I can’t go
Tim Wright I’m going to beat this insomnia, even if it takes me the whole night to do it
Tim Wright If I’ve learned anything from my mistakes, it’s that I’m fantastic at making them
Tim Wright You know how in horse racing an ambulance follows the horses and jockeys around the track? I need that when I go jogging
Tim Wright My superpower is getting behind the person who’s obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM
Tim Wright I just want to be as happy as the people in those laxative commercials
Tim Wright I met her at a game of Russian Roulette, and we just clicked
Tim Wright Homemade clocks are pretty alarming
Tim Wright My posts vacillate between really stupid and something that would prove I know what vacillate means
Tim Wright The average American kid watches too much television. When asked about this, parents looked up from their phone and said, “What kid?”
Tim Wright The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Also, snakes, being audited, spiders, death, failure, the vast uncertainty of the universe, etc…
Tim Wright I wanted to be a programmer but I have a real aversion to binary. It’s my number one problem
Tim Wright Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about the dangers of going outside
Tim Wright I wonder what our dogs think we’re doing when we’re staring at our phones
Tim Wright More Kraft Singles were recalled today because of faulty wrappers—wait, there’s a wrapper we were supposed to be removing?
Tim Wright I think someone abducted all of my neighbors. It's after 7:30am on a Saturday and I don’t hear their mowers
Tim Wright If Web MD was realistic, you’d have to sit in your underwear on a piece of paper for 45 minutes while it searched for your results
Tim Wright I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte, and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes
Tim Wright I pay Netflix 8 bucks a month so I don’t have to fall asleep to my own thoughts
Tim Wright If I don’t push my luck, how will I even know that I have any?
Tim Wright Google Maps uses a woman’s voice because they know we’ll listen despite our instincts when she’s wrong to avoid making things even worse
Tim Wright On a scale of the atomic weight of Hydrogen to the Avogadro Constant, how chemically imbalanced are you?
Tim Wright At my age, rolling out of bed is easy.
Getting up off the floor is the hard part
Tim Wright I got a new blender but I’ve been getting mixed results
Tim Wright What if one day Google was deleted and we couldn’t Google what happened to Google? I’m just Bing thoughtful
Tim Wright If they don’t want the stock market to fall, they should give it a mobility scooter or a walker with tennis ball feet
Tim Wright The best way to end decapitation is to fight it head-on
Tim Wright Average jokester → median comedian
Tim Wright There is figuratively no one who knows how to properly use the word “literally”
Tim Wright Turns out those Ashley Madison accounts were easy to hack because most of the passwords were Giggity Giggity
Tim Wright Jokes on you, kids who put shaving cream on my car. I was going to shave my car anyway
Tim Wright If you wait patiently at a construction site, all of the caterpillars will become butterflies—fearsome giant mechanical butterflies
Tim Wright When I have a clipboard full of text that I haven’t pasted, I imagine my computer holding its breath, cheeks puffed, and its mouth full of letters
Tim Wright If we elect Donald Trump president, there will be hell toupee
Tim Wright Too many bad things happen to women named Jane Doe
Tim Wright Science fact: If you measured the distance of the flight path of Apollo 11, it would stretch to the moon and back
Tim Wright I can’t find my glue gun. That’s when everything started falling apart
Tim Wright Reduce your carbon foot print by buying shoes not made from carbon
Tim Wright As president, I will round everything up or down to the nearest dollar and eliminate change
Tim Wright I know karate and tons of other words
Tim Wright I like to call random numbers and say “Psychic Hotline, can I help you?” in hopes that one day I’ll freak out someone who was about to call
Tim Wright Exercising can add years to your life. For example, I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 67
Tim Wright Stand with Rand < Sit with Mitt < Hike with Mike < Windmill with Jindal < Stump with Trump
Tim Wright Why do they call them “jousting competitions” and not “So You Think You Can Lance?”
Tim Wright Sweatpants never judge you
Tim Wright I’d like some crab legs but I can’t afford the surgery
Tim Wright I didn’t eat my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian
Tim Wright We’re having guests over for dinner. Time to put some Little Caeser’s in the boxes we saved from the nice pizza place
Tim Wright I'd have more respect for the word consonant if its correct spelling was cnsnnt
Tim Wright There’s a peculiar Latin word, “ipso,” meaning the thing itself, but it is what it is
Tim Wright I’m going to New Orleans. Is that all right bayou?
Tim Wright Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Tim Wright I’m an introvert. It’s just the way my bellybutton has always been
Tim Wright I don’t know why it’s called a bank statement. Mine just sort of mumbles
Tim Wright Hands down, 6:30 is the best time on a clock
Tim Wright There was a show on last night called “How to successfully trap a lemur.” I only managed to catch the tail end of it
Tim Wright There’s an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin, and salt in a can. If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT. It’s spam
Tim Wright 2015 English Latin abbreviations:

e.g. = like
i.e. = you know
etc. = or whatever
et al. = or whoever
cf. = check out
viz. = you know
Tim Wright I self-identify with the Greek experience of running out of money in less than one week
Tim Wright I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, “wow! He must be really blind”
Tim Wright Star Trek fans just don’t have the enterprise for space travel
Tim Wright Happy National Ice Cream Day!
Tim Wright I’m sorry, I can’t do anything with you that involves physical activity. My fitbit is charging
Tim Wright They were right, Amazon Prime Day was just like Black Friday. I didn’t buy anything then either
Tim Wright If anyone’s interested, Greece just went up on eBay
Tim Wright I never broke my phone or left it anywhere when I was young, but the cord probably kept that from happening
Tim Wright Schrödinger’s cat is missing, but that’s neither here nor there
Tim Wright On more than one occasion, my refrigerator has really saved my bacon
Tim Wright All I really want from life is for the perforation line on my bill statements to match up with the fold line
Tim Wright You can’t run through a campsite. You can only ran because it’s past tents
Tim Wright Disapproval. Because that’s how eye roll
Tim Wright The best way to market a digital camera is to say there are no negatives
Tim Wright I could probably fall asleep right now if someone could just stop the Internet
Tim Wright My Shark Week lights are still up from last year
Tim Wright It’s not who you know, it’s whom
Tim Wright I’ve got a lot of problems, but at least I’m not lysdexic
Tim Wright All Stonehenge really tells us is that dinosaurs weren’t very good at Tetris
Tim Wright Sorry I uninvited you to my 4th of July party, but you asked if I was serving veggie burgers
Tim Wright For Sale: “For Sale” sign. Never used
Tim Wright Yes, I know you charge extra for the guac so please stop reminding me about my expensive habit
Tim Wright Sometimes I write fitness jokes but they rarely work out
Tim Wright Removing the film cover from Uncle Ben’s frozen dinner: rice peel-off
Tim Wright Wait, all these rainbow profile pics don’t mean that you love skittles? I was way off on that one
Tim Wright One of my goals in life? To finish a tube of chapstick before losing it
Tim Wright Everybody’s a critic, and I don’t think they’re doing it right
Tim Wright If pigs could fly, the price of bacon would be sky high
Tim Wright I used to have pinterest, but the pin fell out and I lost interest
Tim Wright The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don’t have a problem
Tim Wright For Sale: Emperor’s Old Clothes. Must be seen
Tim Wright My doctor says I have a cute tinnitus. That’s a bit inappropriate, and I’d rather he just cure the ringing in my ears
Tim Wright Animal husbandry is legal?
Tim Wright Donald Trump believes there aren’t any problems he can’t overcomb
Tim Wright A car alarm is good for those times when you want people to know your car has an alarm
Tim Wright Nothing cures insomnia quite like realizing it’s time to get up
Tim Wright I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood
Tim Wright Not saying I’m behind in my laundry, but I certainly have the nicest tuxedo in this supermarket
Tim Wright I want my casket to have a crank that plays Jack-in-the-box music
Tim Wright If unnecessarily using prison metaphors is a crime, then lock me up and throw away the key
Tim Wright I used to have a book on how to deal with loss. I can’t find it
Tim Wright I took a shower, but I felt guilty so I put it back
Tim Wright It says a lot about a person when they write an autobiography
Tim Wright Ben Folds because Ben’s an awful poker player
Tim Wright My ability to stay on the rails is unparalleled
Tim Wright IMDb is run by a really proud bee
Tim Wright I was raised by owls. Well, just one owl. It was a hootenanny
Tim Wright I never finish anyth
Tim Wright Do people hang dreamcatchers in their car because they fall asleep at the wheel often?
Tim Wright I’m at my most resourceful when I use the light on my phone to look for my phone
Tim Wright When there’s a tornado warning in Texas, everyone should go to the Cowboys stadium. No chance of a touchdown there
Tim Wright I have a rare disease that prevents me from dancing. I’ve had it for months now, and I can’t seem to shake it
Tim Wright I never fake sarcasms
Tim Wright This may come as a shock to you, but I just dragged my feet across the carpet
Tim Wright Just paid $400 for an air conditioner, and I’m cool with that
Tim Wright I'm so old that I can remember getting through an entire day without taking a picture of anything
Tim Wright Reincarnation is cool because screwing up one life isn’t enough
Tim Wright Who called it “scoring a point in tennis” and not “making a racquet?”
Tim Wright There’s nothing more redundant than a Radio Shack with a “Going Out of Business” sign
Tim Wright I’ve reheated my coffee in the microwave so many times, that now it’s beginning to glow
Tim Wright Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore
Tim Wright The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube
Tim Wright I called to check my balance and I swear that I heard a voice whisper “if you break the ramen noodles packs in two, they last twice as long”
Tim Wright Interest rates are down; chimneys are through the roof
Tim Wright I want to work at a bank so I can get that employee discount on money
Tim Wright Does anyone here have only one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have
Tim Wright Flies spread disease—keep yours zipped
Tim Wright I thought Fall Out Boy was some sort of wardrobe malfunction
Tim Wright I mashed 6.02×10²³ avocados to make this guac a mole
Tim Wright You have no idea what you mean to another person. Don’t ever assume
Tim Wright Give me one good reason why I should look up the word incentive
Tim Wright I wish the government would go through my emails, because I’m never going to
Tim Wright No thanks; five hours of energy sounds exhausting
Tim Wright The NFL concluded their investigation into the Patriots’ deflated balls by asking them to turn their heads and cough
Tim Wright Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS
Tim Wright Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
Tim Wright I installed the How Old app and got email coupon for half off prune juice
Tim Wright I can’t stand when my foot falls asleep
Tim Wright Just saw Life of Pi. Out of 5 stars, I give it 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825…
Tim Wright The one thing that’s nice about not being rich or handsome is that you know the girl likes you for you
Tim Wright I think it’s only a matter of time before smart phones are bigger than smart cars
Tim Wright Who named it a “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra”?
Tim Wright Big thanks for translating “Le Monde” for me. It means the world
Tim Wright The truth is like a rubber band…the more you stretch it the greater the chance for it to snap back and hit you in the face
Tim Wright My psychotic horse sleeps in an unstable
Tim Wright Why did they call it a selfie stick instead of a narcissistick?
Tim Wright I think my therapist is seeing other people
Tim Wright Being paid to sleep would be my dream job
Tim Wright The weekend can’t get here soon enough, so I’m going to start without it
Tim Wright “Your story checks out,” said the bookstore clerk as she rang me up
Tim Wright Trigonometry gods, show me a sine
Tim Wright What’s worse than your girlfriend sending you a break-up text? A followup text saying, “Sorry that wasn’t for you”
Tim Wright I’m dying to find out who will be at my funeral
Tim Wright Stop putting labels on people, use them for jars instead
Tim Wright Bungee jumping will be my downfall
Tim Wright You can learn a lot about yourself by the words your phone no longer attempts to autocorrect
Tim Wright If my sarcasm bothers anyone, please let me know and I’ll stop
Tim Wright This year, I don’t know whether to screw up my own taxes or pay someone to screw them up for me
Tim Wright Don’t forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that don’t work as hard as you do
Tim Wright Hilary: I’m running for president
America: We have a girlfriend
Tim Wright I stood at a phone charging station at the airport like I was on dialysis
Tim Wright National Sibling Day was invented by sibling companies to sell more siblings
Tim Wright My company sells the best Velcro in the world, guaranteed. And you can hold me to that
Tim Wright I got a thesaurus today. Sorry, I acquired a thesaurus today
Tim Wright Treat each day as your last, and someday you’ll be right
Tim Wright I haven’t trusted autocorrect since I texted someone that the children ate our future
Tim Wright I have no idea what “illuminated” means. Perhaps you can shed some light on it?
Tim Wright I thought I was doing a pretty good job of ignoring the elephant in the room until they gave me a shovel and told me to clean up after it
Tim Wright If you’re making me choose between us and my insufferable use of mathematics puns, then I think I just found ex
Tim Wright I always see the pest in people
Tim Wright Whenever I'm feeling down I just scroll through my eBay feedback and remind myself what a pleasure it is to do business with me
Tim Wright “Suit yourself” —lazy tailors
Tim Wright If oil is made from decomposed dinosaurs, and plastic is made from oil, then plastic dinosaurs are made from—real dinosaurs
Tim Wright Telling that zombie I was going to give him a piece of my mind wasn’t my best choice of words
Tim Wright “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”
Tim Wright Staying awake till 2am so I can change my clocks twice a year is the closest I’ll ever get to time travel
Tim Wright I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow
Tim Wright Apparently “pics or it didn’t happen” is strictly enforced at the gym
Tim Wright Are you concerned about human cloning? That makes two of us
Tim Wright Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography
Tim Wright Microsoft just announced they’re getting rid of Internet Explorer. Now how will we download Chrome?
Tim Wright If you think accidentally sexting your parents is embarrassing, just wait until they return the favor
Tim Wright The thing that hurts most about being stuck in a well is how everyone talks down to you
Tim Wright On scale from 0 to 9999999999, what is your phone number?
Tim Wright If I could make a single wish, it would be to have nothing to wish for
Tim Wright I don’t believe you’re actually “homeless and hungry” if your beard is better groomed than mine
Tim Wright I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine
Tim Wright Using a floppy disk icon for “save” in 2015 is like if they used a horse image on road signs when they mean “car”
Tim Wright To make a long story short, quit right in the middle
Tim Wright There’s no “t” in “China”
Tim Wright Job interview? Bring a sealed jar of pickles and open it to show them that your greatest strength is physical, and your greatest weakness is pickles
Tim Wright “America runs on Dunkin” is a pretty bold claim. In fact, I’d say that most Dunkin Donuts customers don’t run at all
Tim Wright The only convincing answer to the question, “Can you keep a secret?” is “I can’t tell you that”
Tim Wright Who named it the “Apple Watch” and not “A Clockwork Apple”
Tim Wright If you carry a screwdriver in your fanny-pack it's technically a tool belt
Tim Wright If it weren’t for Spring Forward/Fall Back, I’d never get any exercise
Tim Wright Fortune cookie people write cryptic fortunes to intentionally confucius
Tim Wright My favorite thing about Scooby-Doo is that unexplainable events occur and nobody suspects the four out-of-towners with a talking dog
Tim Wright Some people call it “dog tired,” but I prefer the term barkolepsy
Tim Wright Saw a chameleon today, so it wasn’t a very good one
Tim Wright “Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realized that I’d been invited to an autopsy
Tim Wright There must be two dozen pennies in the tray next to the register, give or take
Tim Wright Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is
Tim Wright February is National Time Management Month. Thanks, but I could manage my time better in a month with at least three more days
Tim Wright The “must wash hands” sign in the bathroom has braille underneath the words. I can’t help but wonder how dirty that sign is
Tim Wright Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes
Tim Wright When life throws me a curveball, I try to duck so it hits someone else
Tim Wright The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions
Tim Wright That first kiss in the morning is so special—and the dog enjoys it too
Tim Wright Told the barista at Starbucks my name was Justice just so I could say for once that Justice was served
Tim Wright My phone autocorrected “I need a life coach” to “I need a life couch” and I’ve never felt more understood
Tim Wright The image on my new 4K television is so sharp that it actually seems like the evil girl with the long black hair is coming right out of i—
Tim Wright The world’s 80 richest people are now worth as much as its poorest 3.5 billion, although in fairness, fairness has nothing to do with it
Tim Wright People who wear glasses are spectacular
Tim Wright Misplacing a dumbbell is, without question, the fastest way to lose weight
Tim Wright If a bear attacks you, pretend to be dead. That way, the bear will feel less guilty when it actually kills you
Tim Wright Even on Valentine's Day, my secret admirers take the secret part seriously
Tim Wright First Stephen Colbert leaves the Report, then Jon Stewart is leaving The Daily Show. Where will I get my news now?
Tim Wright NBC has suspended Brian Williams for 6 months hoping that by then we’ll all misremember as much about Brian Williams as Brian Williams does
Tim Wright Horseradish sandwich—extra horse
Tim Wright I can remember a time when “take a picture, it lasts longer” was an insult
Tim Wright McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds, it won’t be long before you’re dead
Tim Wright I named my dog Slobber, because I like how it sounds. It just rolls off the tongue
Tim Wright Obviously The Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga need to do a side project together called “Goo Goo Gaga”
Tim Wright My gourmet specialty is a peanut purée lightly garnished with jellied grape essence nestled on a bed of pain blanc
Tim Wright Ironically, people are still listening to “Let it go”
Tim Wright Eating breakfast in the shower isn’t the time saver I thought it’d be
Tim Wright If you want to mess with someone, tell them “Happy Groundhog Day” when they wake up today
Tim Wright Experts say the first stage of getting over something is denial. I don’t think that’s right
Tim Wright I watch the Super Bowl for the cheerleaders
Tim Wright Got tired of cutting my Adam’s Apple while shaving, so I upgraded to an Adam’s Android.
Tim Wright I was hacked again. Sometimes I wish I never grew up on 12,345,678th Street with a dog named Password
Tim Wright The only reason I don't eat meat every day is because meat is expensive, and I’m not made of money. I am, however, made of meat
Tim Wright My name is Tim, but my friends call me occasionally
Tim Wright I gave 110% once. The check bounced
Tim Wright I’ve finally finished my book about the inner workings of clocks and watches. It’s about time
Tim Wright The yogurt aisle is so confusing. It’s all Greek to me
Tim Wright I don’t mean to brag, but my bank just sent me an email saying that I am outstanding
Tim Wright It’s funny how civilization used to grind to a halt when we lost electricity; now all it takes is losing wifi
Tim Wright Hunting is easier for vegetarians because it’s easier to sneak up on plants
Tim Wright My friend’s Labrador Retriever has yet to retrieve a single Labrador
Tim Wright I’m going to buy a dog and name it “The Fury” just so I can unleash it
Tim Wright I tried to buy a La-Z-Boy but my credit card was reclined
Tim Wright If you believe that you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself
Tim Wright If I had a time machine, I’d pause it so I can get some sleep
Tim Wright They’re called cell phones because we’re pretty much imprisoned by them now
Tim Wright Looking for a spark? Lick a battery
Tim Wright Love triangle? You mean, like…pizza?
Tim Wright My five year plan was based on the Mayan calendar
Tim Wright Thought I lost some weight during the holidays, but I found it
Tim Wright Saw on the news last night that someone had pick pocketed a midget. How could someone stoop so low?
Tim Wright My birth certificate has a lifetime warranty
Tim Wright Isn’t it interesting that the tragedy in Paris took place in one of the toughest gun control countries in the world?
Tim Wright Sorry I invited FEMA to your wedding, but I know a disaster when I see one
Tim Wright People who type in all lower case letters are against capitalism
Tim Wright I had to rewind a VHS tape for my parents. For my next act, I’ll churn some butter and ford a river in a covered wagon
Tim Wright Need to know how to put things in chronological order? First things first
Tim Wright Why do we call it “puppetry” and not a “show of hands?”
Tim Wright Sorry that I called you a narcissist in public. I thought you wanted everyone to know
Tim Wright I’ve gotten so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed
Tim Wright My New Year’s Resolution for 2015 is to be more optimistic and less sarcastic. Like that’s going to happen
Tim Wright 2015 was going to be my year but someone on my news feed already called it
Tim Wright When my iPod’s on shuffle, I skip through so many songs. Apparently, I hate my taste in music
Tim Wright I have a closet full of skeletons so I always have the right skeleton for any occasion
Tim Wright Keep your friends’ clothes, and your enemy’s toaster
Tim Wright Weird how it's so weather outside
Tim Wright If I’m interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate
Tim Wright I always know what to get friends or family members for a special occasion. It's a gift
Tim Wright Rudolph realized it was a blessing in disguise when no one invited him to play Facebook games either
Tim Wright When I said that I have a boat, I meant gravy
Tim Wright Life is too short to unplug the USB drive safely
Tim Wright If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place
Tim Wright When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on
Tim Wright Supercuts is one step away from just handing you the scissors and saying, “Here, you fix it”
Tim Wright Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life
Tim Wright Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough
Tim Wright I’ll take the ten lords a-leaping, but only if they’re Time Lords and we’re quantum leaping
Tim Wright It was probably really easy to sell soda when you were allowed to put cocaine in it
Tim Wright I just wanted to look up obscure medical conditions and Wikipedia is extorting me for three whole dollars
Tim Wright Applied for a job as a server at a restaurant. And now we wait…
Tim Wright I eat meat because Hitler was a vegetarian and I don’t want to end up like him
Tim Wright What’s the world’s most unpronounceable word? It’s hard to say
Tim Wright Got my hand stuck in the bank’s vacuum tube trying to get my receipt and now I’m craving Pringles
Tim Wright Forget everything you’ve been told about having amnesia
Tim Wright Just saw an air freshener so big they had to tie it on top of the car
Tim Wright I break the ice by twisting the tray until I hear a crack and some cubes pop out
Tim Wright There’s a vas deferens between men who have had a vasectomy and those who haven’t
Tim Wright Watching a sofa-bed go from being a sofa to a bed is like watching the laziest superhero ever spring into action
Tim Wright I can still accomplish my New Year’s resolution if I work out 12 times every day this month
Tim Wright I saved thousands of dollars on Black Friday by not buying stuff I don’t need
Tim Wright Settle down commercials. I haven't memorized a phone number in a decade. Don't come at me like I need to know my sleep number and credit score
Tim Wright My brain just logged me out due to inactivity and now I can’t remember my password
Tim Wright My fortune said “don’t take advice from cookies”
Tim Wright If I was invisible…I would hug so many people
Tim Wright If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza
Tim Wright If there’s a better way of showing thanks than eating a large bird followed by pie, I’d like to see it
Tim Wright People that use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites—or insults
Tim Wright “Free range chickens” is a bit much. It makes it sound like a herd of chickens is thundering across the West like wild mustangs
Tim Wright Off to Costco. Who wants a twelve-pack of canoes?
Tim Wright Get off my level
Tim Wright The world is half full of optimists
Tim Wright It looks like bathroom tai chi, but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser
Tim Wright It’s beginning to look a lot like mid-November
Tim Wright You say “alcoholism”; I say “liver crossfit”
Tim Wright 75% of people enjoy making laser pistol noises according to a Pew Pew Research Center poll
Tim Wright Gravity was invented by scientists to control the masses
Tim Wright The price of tea in China is steep
Tim Wright I was planning to get a flu shot until I found out that it isn't a kind of drink
Tim Wright I have no issue with people who have let themselves go, it’s the people who have let themselves stay that bother me
Tim Wright If you want to join our Scrabble club, I can put in a good word for you
Tim Wright Why adopt a highway? I already drive like I own the road
Tim Wright Why are you so easily startled? The answer may surprise you
Tim Wright Acting lessons build character
Tim Wright I thought they called it a lavatory because you don't want to touch the floor
Tim Wright Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Tim Wright When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on
Tim Wright Of all the Sesame Street residents, why was Big Bird ostrichsized?
Tim Wright Fair play is essential. If the other team uses it, you can beat 'em every time
Tim Wright Go vote today. Not because I am telling you to, but because everyone else is
Tim Wright I found my first gray hair today, but what really bothered me was that it was in my breakfast sandwich
Tim Wright Seven months ago I spent an hour trying to figure out why we still have daylight saving time. There's an hour I'm about to get back
Tim Wright I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me
Tim Wright One of the scariest haunted houses in the country is the US Capitol building. That place is full of monsters with skeletons in the closet
Tim Wright Texting wasn't always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an “s”? You better click that 7 button _four_ times
Tim Wright Just found out that my birthday is on National Pancake Day next year! Woot!
Tim Wright The really impressive thing about the world's oldest person is that they started life as the world's youngest person
Tim Wright I keep a small knife in the drawer beside my bed, so if an intruder does break in, I get to spend my last few seconds rummaging through a drawer
Tim Wright My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside
Tim Wright Thanks for choosing UPS to ship your package. Would you like to purchase insurance in case we completely fail at the only job we're supposed to do?
Tim Wright Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and yet society wants us all to get along
Tim Wright Sean Connery trying to train his dog to sit but it just keeps pooping on the floor
Tim Wright So your dog chased after a meteor and returned five years later with it in his mouth? That's really far-fetched
Tim Wright I wonder if those GMail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name
Tim Wright No, my dog didn’t have surgery. I put the lamp shade on him because his eyes shine too brightly in pictures
Tim Wright I wonder what my dog named me
Tim Wright The time traveller, when visiting the past, was beside himself
Tim Wright Things we can learn from a dog:

• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• When loved ones come home, always run and greet them.
• When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.
• Let others know when they have invaded your territory.
• Take naps and stretch before rising.
• Run, romp, and play daily.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
• Be loyal.
• Never pretend to be something you’re not.
• If what you want is buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
• Thrive on attention.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and sit under a shady tree.
• When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
• No matter how often you are scolded, don’t buy the guilt thing and pout, run right back and make friends.
Tim Wright The worst part of a coughing fit is your dog looking at you thinking “You can’t even bark properly and yet my life depends on you?”
Tim Wright My life coach just benched me
Tim Wright Every time I bend over to tie my shoelaces, Siri asks me if I'm OK. My back is a little sore, but how did she know?!
Tim Wright The rumor that I've been shampooing pigs is hogwash
Tim Wright I really love it when people can't tell whether I'm being sarcastic or not
Tim Wright The only reason I work out is because there are a lot of people I want to outlive
Tim Wright Just got a paper cut opening a band-aid. How convenient
Tim Wright You call it stealing lions from the zoo. I call it taking ownership of pride
Tim Wright Want to keep the Doctor away? There's an Apple for that
Tim Wright A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee
Tim Wright How do you poach an elephant? I mean, I can hardly poach an egg
Tim Wright Most people have never used a semicolon that wasn't part of a winking emoticon
Tim Wright My “walking around” money must have wandered off
Tim Wright Got my flu shot at the Target pharmacy today. Next week I'm having surgery at Costco
Tim Wright Replaced my friend’s Chapstick with a glue stick, but he had little to say about it afterward
Tim Wright You don’t have to go out there and be a role model today, but let’s try not being a life lesson
Tim Wright I mean well, but I keep saying aquifer
Tim Wright I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath
Tim Wright I recently got a full body tattoo that looks just like me
Tim Wright Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Tim Wright The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog
Tim Wright At least the people that bend their iPhone can feel smugly superior to those that tried to charge theirs in the microwave
Tim Wright I've been trying to eat better, so this morning I used a spoon
Tim Wright How to fall downstairs:
Step 11
Step 7
Step 4
Step 3, 2, 1
Tim Wright Abbreviatiors gonna abbvt
Tim Wright I shake my bottled water so the Hs and Os are evenly distributed
Tim Wright I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does
Tim Wright How many Paranormal Activity movies do they have to make before it counts as a normal activity?
Tim Wright This tuna was caught using sustainable pole and line methods, so it’s basically okay about being in this sandwich
Tim Wright Can't wait for the day when I can take a break from staring at my phone to stare at my watch
Tim Wright Those who don't use their blinker when they make turns have no direction in life
Tim Wright I was chowing down on some chips, Ruffles–the ones with a picture of three whole chips on the front, when I noticed in tiny text just below, “Serving Suggestion”. The nutrition facts on the reverse says the serving size is 1oz (About 12 chips).

After mulling over the implications that this disparity causes (not only the crazy thought of somehow someone having the self control of only eating 12 chips, or even THREE, but that the suggestion is much less than serving size. The “suggestion” is that even Frito-Lay is hinting that we shouldn't be eating these chips. And to mask it under tiny print.), I was treated to images of millions of these bags of chips spoiling all over America, as people limit their consumption to three of these delicacies in a serving.

All this thinking and pondering and pontificating has got me hungry. Oops.
Tim Wright I bet the guy who invented the drawing board got it right on the first try because he had nothing to go back to
Tim Wright They say you only use 10% of your brain, but why would you listen to someone who admittedly only uses 10% of their brain?
Tim Wright Stop asking me why I'm still single—I don't ask you why you're still married
Tim Wright I got a job as a referee. It's official
Tim Wright Staying up late to preorder the new iPhone? Me neither
Tim Wright What if Stacy's mom was Jessie's girl, and her number was 867-5309?
Tim Wright A horse is just a meat bicycle
Tim Wright I may be Schizophrenic, but at least I have each other
Tim Wright Bought a new boomerang but I can't throw away my old one
Tim Wright I can't sleep. All these crickets are throwing off my cicadian rhythm
Tim Wright My dyslexia has reached a new owl
Tim Wright I'll pay you $20 to complete the self-evaluation form for my performance review. Just stress how I take personal responsibility for my worK
Tim Wright Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them
Tim Wright A juice bar called Just Kale Yourself
Tim Wright I'm not an underachiever. I just like to make sure I'm always full of potential
Tim Wright If you love steak so much, why don't you marinate it?
Tim Wright I don’t trust people who say “I married my best friend” because I don't think dogs can truly consent to marriage
Tim Wright “Doctor, what will happen when I put on these glasses?”

“You'll see”
Tim Wright I was going to tell a joke about a basement but that would be beneath me
Tim Wright When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks
Tim Wright Entertain the idea that your ideas are not entertaining
Tim Wright I don't know who ate the cake in the fridge, but somebody smeared frosting on my face to cover their tracks
Tim Wright Glad I wasn't born in France since I don't speak French
Tim Wright Just watched a movie about tornadoes. There was a huge twist at the end
Tim Wright I have a love ate relationship with food
Tim Wright What if this whole ice water thing is just a marketing stunt put on by the bucket industry?
Tim Wright Met an illegal human organs trader. Now there's a man after my own heart
Tim Wright If you throw a baseball at the sign outside a Target store and hit it the entire building falls into a giant pool of water
Tim Wright It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than to figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page
Tim Wright My teleportation firm has collapsed. Customers failed to materialize
Tim Wright New girl doesn't know what a euphemism is. I told her don't worry about it, I'd fill her in later
Tim Wright If that's a smart car, I'd hate to see a stupid one
Tim Wright My bread-making factory has been torched. The business is toast
Tim Wright When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that firefighters usually use water
Tim Wright “I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”
—Robin Williams
Tim Wright Banks put their pen on a chain because they don’t trust me to not steal it, yet for some reason I trust them with all my money
Tim Wright Sounds like my neighbor just got a new vacuum cleaner, and that it’s made by Boeing
Tim Wright “It's not what it looks like,” I tell my friends as they help me search for my pet chameleon
Tim Wright “Pizza Hut, can I take your order?”

“May I speak with the owl, please?”


“Yes, exactly”
Tim Wright Handkerchiefs are actually baby ghosts
Tim Wright I wish I was as confident about the uncertainty of life as the contestants on Wheel of Fortune are about yelling out the wrong answers
Tim Wright Tried to catch some fog in a jar. Mist.
Tim Wright Passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change
Tim Wright Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what you have left
Tim Wright It's pretty cool how all the cell phone providers have the “fastest” network
Tim Wright Power nap is like a regular nap but you burn more calories during it
Tim Wright It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick
Tim Wright Today is National Cheesecake Day
Tim Wright I don't think “safe sex” sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination?
Tim Wright Technically speaking, all shoes are buy one get one free
Tim Wright Friends are like snowflakes. If you pee on them, they disappear
Tim Wright That awkward moment when a midget tells you to get on their level
Tim Wright If you watch Rocky backwards, it's an unboxing video
Tim Wright *Thor’re
Tim Wright Just spotted an albino Dalmatian. It’s the least I could do
Tim Wright Bought a self-help book entitled “How To Walk Further”. It's a step-by-step guide
Tim Wright The best place to keep a caricature of yourself is the bedroom because nobody will see it there, and the caricature will remind you why
Tim Wright Happy National Ice Cream Day!
Tim Wright I was hip in my 20’s, and now I'm a waist
Tim Wright I don't have insomnia, I just live in the wrong hemisphere
Tim Wright If by financial plan you mean, “I have a lottery ticket that I haven't checked yet”…then yes, I have a financial plan
Tim Wright I love how people say they're “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin
Tim Wright The stick figure on the back of my vehicle is for hangman
Tim Wright Got quite good at juggling balls. But if I try more than three, things get out of hand
Tim Wright Pick up the book nearest you. Turn to page 45. Read the first sentence. Write it on the back of a $20 bill and mail it to me. Amazing, huh?
Tim Wright The thing about Workaholics Anonymous is that if you have time to come to the meetings, you don't really have a problem
Tim Wright Today I had an interview for a job as a ninja. I didn't show up, and I got the job
Tim Wright One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leaving
Tim Wright “Okay, that's a wrap”
—Ancient Egyptian morticians
Tim Wright Can't tell you how many grocery store social encounters I've escaped by throwing a bag of flour on the ground and disappearing in the cloud
Tim Wright I take the elevator. That's just how I was raised
Tim Wright Almost had a near-life experience
Tim Wright I already had one leg behind my head when I realized that this was probably not what that interviewer meant by “flexible”
Tim Wright Discount fireworks—because fingers are overrated
Tim Wright I consider myself more of an amateur crastinator
Tim Wright Someone told me there are two ways of looking at every problem; now I feel like I have twice as many problems
Tim Wright Now Luis Suarez “deeply regrets ” biting Giorgio Chiellini and vows not to bite again. He really shouldn't open his mouth
Tim Wright If you have ADD, you can't be in a focus group
Tim Wright I noticed a mosquito in the bathroom while I was peeing. Now the bathroom is soaked in urine, and I have a concussion and a mosquito bite
Tim Wright I had an acute friend pass away; she is with the angles now
Tim Wright If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth the $20
Tim Wright If somebody can't figure out how to leave a voicemail without instructions, I definitely don't want to hear what they have to say
Tim Wright On Long Island they just call it iced tea
Tim Wright I'm lazy. I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button
Tim Wright A rose by any other name would be a ruse
Tim Wright The tangled mess I’ve made of my headphones reminds me that I'd be a terrible spider
Tim Wright Who decided to call it a “birth control”, and not, “let’s not kid ourselves”
Tim Wright Girls with expensive handbags seem so Prada themselves
Tim Wright The things I can do with a cattle prod will shock you
Tim Wright Make sure you tell everyone on Facebook how much you love your mom before telling her
Tim Wright Selling your headphones brand to Apple for $3.2 billion is one way to make sure no one forgot about Dre
Tim Wright If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I expect. Not all this “How did you get in to my house?” business
Tim Wright I live for a living
Tim Wright I don't know why computer hackers chose to go after Target stores. It's almost like somebody put a big bullseye on their sign
Tim Wright Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them
Tim Wright Have a day. That's about as inspirational as I get
Tim Wright I consider myself a compassionate person. If I see a sign that says “Have you seen my dog?”, I will always call and tell them that I haven't
Tim Wright It's kind of cruel that "stutter" has two syllables
Tim Wright Laryngitis means never having to say you're sorry
Tim Wright Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe
Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright
Tim Wright I think my chameleon escaped from its cage, but I can't be sure
Tim Wright Firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Tim Wright My next song is about subtraction. Take it away…
Tim Wright I love the way airport security can feel me up and down and make me remove my belt and yet somehow I'm still the one under suspicion
Tim Wright Every day is “bring your kid to work day” at the iphone production factory
Tim Wright I'm the kinda guy that, when asked to spell something over the phone, I say “P for psychopath” just to completely throw them off
Tim Wright My signature move is to write my first name followed by my last name, but with a spelling mistake in case I need to dispute the payment later
Tim Wright Just finished writing my tragedy about horses. It's a tale of whoa
Tim Wright We all know a guy who says he knows a guy
Tim Wright You can’t stand being around me? Think about how I feel—I have to be around me all the time
Tim Wright Do you know how irritating it is when people answer their own questions? Very
Tim Wright If you wait, you only get older
Tim Wright It's depressing how the “<3” symbol looks like someone dropped their ice cream cone
Tim Wright Self checkout should include an employee discount
Tim Wright Happy National High-Five Day!
Tim Wright The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something
Tim Wright If you are telling me that I cheat at Scrabble, I'll have to take your word for it
Tim Wright Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them
Tim Wright It takes about 60 seconds to drown in quicksand. Let that sink in for a minute
Tim Wright Superman has died. He was buried in some crypt, tonight
Tim Wright Since my ear surgery, I haven't heard from my doctor. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not
Tim Wright I whispered to my Wi-Fi, “be strong”
Tim Wright I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision
Tim Wright You can’t say “splendid” without doing a British accent
Tim Wright Many truck drivers ask "How's My Driving?", which is extremely worrying, given it's their actual profession
Tim Wright I don’t own a house pet because I don’t believe in keeping houses as pets
Tim Wright If I talked in my sleep, that's how I'd handle every conversation
Tim Wright whats_up.doc
Tim Wright I can't believe that after all of these years, we've never discovered any new letters of the alphabet
Tim Wright I was thinking of seeing a psychic, so I figure a really good one ought to be calling any day now
Tim Wright Opening the dishwasher mid-cycle is like a police raid where everyone inside stands still like nothing was going on
Tim Wright My relationship with my ex was very psychological. She's psycho and I'm logical
Tim Wright Please scan your first place the item in the slide your rewards unexpected item in the please choose your remove your receipt thank you for
Tim Wright I stole a few pancakes syruptitiously
Tim Wright I've been reading "Narcissism for Dummies." It's all about me
Tim Wright Recent statistics show numbers, because that’s how statistics work
Tim Wright The only thing more annoying than people chewing ice are the ones insisting that I stop
Tim Wright Be yourself. You already have the costume
Tim Wright I would totally buy a mansion in Alaska if they were called bigloos
Tim Wright Put my phone on airplane mode and now it's missing
Tim Wright Brains are awesome. I wish everybody had one
Tim Wright Early Romans were so advanced technologically because it was easy to include numbers in their passwords
Tim Wright I always wear a ski mask to bed; if anyone breaks in, they'll think I'm part of the team
Tim Wright The morgue is right around the coroner
Tim Wright The Mayans were thwarted 2000 years ago by the Venetians, without whom it would indeed have been curtains for everyone
Tim Wright When my hair turns grey I think I might dye
Tim Wright Schrödinger’s caterpillar may or may not have become a butterfly
Tim Wright Once you learn how to put on the skis, it’s all downhill from there
Tim Wright My talents include tricking people on the internet to believe I am a cool and funny person
Tim Wright Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them
Tim Wright Rotten pistachios. That's the problem in a nutshell
Tim Wright 2Fast2Furious is probably my favorite movie named after a medium-strength password
Tim Wright Nobody knows the pain caused by a passionate two-week fling ending in sudden rejection quite like a library book
Tim Wright Ever had one of those days? I've had 10964 of them
Tim Wright Do what you love and arrest will follow
Tim Wright Japan's flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan
Tim Wright If you've ever seen a lamb being born, you've basically seen me getting out of bed in the morning
Tim Wright It always makes me laugh when people ask if I have birthday plans and I have to point out that I don't have a plan for anything
Tim Wright Offer cannot be combined with any other offer unless the other offer offers others other offers
Tim Wright I didn't do myself any favors last year while attempting to save characters by messaging my crushes "Happy VD!"
Tim Wright Took some beautiful pictures at the museum today, but they made me give them back
Tim Wright "The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made"
—Jean Giraudoux
Tim Wright I leave my Altoids in the can so that they stay in mint condition
Tim Wright A: Janet Jackson, Lady Gaga, and Narnia
Q: Name three "wardrobe malfunctions"
Tim Wright Why do we call it "going to the doctor", and not "being ill advised"?
Tim Wright There's no excuse for laziness. If you find one, let me know
Tim Wright Last Christmas I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever. I woke up in a box
Tim Wright What we need is more stuff we don't need
Tim Wright A cardboard belt is a waist of paper
Tim Wright As the shoe said to the hat, "You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot"
Tim Wright Thank you ATM fees, for allowing me to buy my own money
Tim Wright A wise man once told me something. I just can't remember what it was
Tim Wright Kids getting a puppy soon? Name it what you want but, remember, this will be the answer to security questions for the rest of your life
Tim Wright People who hurt themselves doing something they love are taken to the hospital in an ambivalence
Tim Wright If today feels like the worst day of your life, remember that there's always tomorrow. Who knows what sort of bad things will happen then
Tim Wright Reports of my depth have been greatly exaggerated
Tim Wright I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
Tim Wright Jokes about hot-air balloons tend to go over my head
Tim Wright I think I could start a pretty successful company that makes nothing but excuses
Tim Wright I want to defend a penguin in court just so I can say, “Your Honor, my client is clearly not a flight risk"
Tim Wright Stop playing the victim. That’s not even a real instrument
Tim Wright It doesn't bother me when people call me narcissistic, because they're still talking about me
Tim Wright When around blind people, I always screw up and say things like: "See what I mean?"
Tim Wright Mime artists divorce when they run out of things to not say to each other
Tim Wright Ghost dogs are the best kind of ghosts and the worst kind of dogs
Tim Wright You're never to old to throw random stuff in other people's shopping carts when they aren't looking
Tim Wright I'd like to meet people who understand Venn diagrams, but we never mix in the same circles
Tim Wright I didn't lose you. I won me.
Tim Wright It's illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane
Tim Wright My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that
Tim Wright "Leave of absence" is redundant
Tim Wright Ron White: "When I started doing stand-up, the IRS said that I need to file my taxes quarterly—which I thought meant every 25 years"
Tim Wright Sorry I ate all of the chips. It was a snaccident
Tim Wright Is it wrong of me if I buy a Paula Deen cookware set on Black Friday?
Tim Wright For Thanksgiving, I've decided that I'm going to shoot my own turkey. I just hope I don't freak everybody out in the grocery store
Tim Wright My therapist made a big deal out of me sitting in HER chair as I scribbled "territorial" in my notepad
Tim Wright I hid my feelings and I can't remember where I put them
Tim Wright Call me fowl mouthed if you want, but this chicken is delicious
Tim Wright Welcome to Pessimists Anonymous. Sorry there are no chairs, we weren't expecting anyone to show up
Tim Wright I’ll never forget where I was when I heard JFK had been shot—my 8th grade history class
Tim Wright In case you missed my talk about time travel, I'll be discussing it again last week and sometime in the 17th century
Tim Wright Deep down, I knew scuba diving wasn't for me
Tim Wright It's not procrastinating if I have no intention of doing it
Tim Wright I can't stand sitting down. I can only stand standing up
Tim Wright Order a drink at Starbucks, give your name as Waldo, then leave
Tim Wright They say counting sheep will put you to sleep, but 47 lambs just walked into my living room and I've never been wider awake
Tim Wright ATMs should replace the "Temporarily Out Of Service" message with "It's not you, it's me"
Tim Wright How apropos; Gotye is just a singer that we used to know
Tim Wright I'd be lying horribly if I said I wanted to demonstrate why I have such bad posture
Tim Wright Somebody just gave me a shower radio. I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door
Tim Wright I flat-out love planking
Tim Wright I'm carbon neutral. I have no strong feelings about carbon one way or the other
Tim Wright She texted me: "Your adorable."
I replied: "No. YOU'RE adorable."
Now she likes me. All I did was point out her typo
Tim Wright I wish I could illegally download better health-care insurance
Tim Wright That is in fact my cane, I stand corrected
Tim Wright I have OCD and ADD, so everything has to be perfect, but not for very long
Tim Wright I'll see your suspicious behavior, and raise you an eyebrow
Tim Wright Accidentally set my clock back too far and now the time on the VCR won't quit blinking
Tim Wright Am I all alone in the world, or is it just me?
Tim Wright Can't wait until I get a time machine so I can finally put the future behind me
Tim Wright I don't know why they're called smart phones. I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn't even try to get out
Tim Wright If you don’t see me on Halloween, it’ll be because I’ll be wearing my chameleon costume
Tim Wright When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through
Tim Wright Bring fun to a hit-and-run confession by telling police “you’ll never guess who I bumped into last week!”
Tim Wright Thanks elevators for bringing me up when I was down
Tim Wright If you’re nervous about public speaking, DO NOT imagine the audience naked. A roomful of naked people staring at you would be terrifying
Tim Wright Don't criticize yourself so much. There are people out there who will do that for you
Tim Wright According to my imaginary friend's therapist, I don't exist
Tim Wright Positive attitude—may not solve all your problems, but annoys enough people to make it worth the effort
Tim Wright There is a thin line between a kidnapping and a kid-napping
Tim Wright Sometimes I wish I was smarter. But most of the time I just wish other people were
Tim Wright People say circumcision dosen't hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn't walk for nearly a year
Tim Wright The doorbell was the first push notification
Tim Wright These new motion-activated lights in my office are great. Saves money and makes my naps much more enjoyable
Tim Wright IQ is a stat of mind
Tim Wright I'm not doing anything for Halloween so I guess I'm going as The Government
Tim Wright It was nice being known as "Discoverer of the New World", but all Christopher Columbus ever wanted to be called was "conquistadorable." Happy Columbus Day everyone!
Tim Wright I'm in a serious relationship with my WiFi. We just have this connection
Tim Wright Why a man wants a wife is a mystery. Why he would want two wives is a bigamystery
Tim Wright The secret to success is not to tell anyone about it
Tim Wright My crush gifted me a globe. It meant the world to me
Tim Wright It's embarrassing to say I see a psychiatrist, so I call him my drug dealer
Tim Wright Just gave two slices of bread a two-minute makeover in the toaster and they've popped back up looking HOT
Tim Wright If I ever get to fire a baker, I'll wait until he's working with dough and then I'll say, "you won't be kneading this"
Tim Wright If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
Tim Wright I don't understand why we would attack Syria but continue to ignore those massive genocides in Africa. I'm sure oil figure it out eventually
Tim Wright Always remember that you are not worthless. Organs are extremely expensive on the black market
Tim Wright Considering the level of obesity in the U. S., a zombie apocalypse doesn't worry me. There are a LOT of people I can outrun
Tim Wright Monica Lewinsky was the big winner in the last government shutdown, if my memory is correct
Tim Wright It's not really a government shutdown until they hold a Going out of Business sale
Tim Wright Soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish
Tim Wright We live in a society where people have unprotected sex regularly, but these same people go through the trouble to get a case for their phone
Tim Wright Averages are mean
Tim Wright Teach yourself how to get upstairs in twelve easy steps
Tim Wright People who work at the Spam factory must have a really hard time sending emails
Tim Wright I'm too embarrassed to tell my calorie counting app what I ate for dinner last night
Tim Wright If I've learned one thing in my life then the education system here has really disappointed me
Tim Wright People who say fortune favours the brave have clearly never seen those YouTube clips of zookeepers being eaten by lions
Tim Wright You don't need a punchline when your whole life is a joke
Tim Wright "I have a great knock-knock joke, but you have to start it off"
Tim Wright The girl in the ice cream store just asked me if I wanna spoon
Tim Wright Triceps before you biceps
Tim Wright Whenever I see a broken elevator I stair
Tim Wright Everyone's fluent in sign language when they're angry enough
Tim Wright Sleep isn't cutting it for me anymore; I need something stronger
Tim Wright Kinda disappointed this book isn't a "how to" on killing mockingbirds
Tim Wright A doppelgänger walks into a bar and orders a double
Tim Wright My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening
Tim Wright When the alarm goes off as you leave the grocery store, make sure you look around briefly before ignoring it and walking out
Tim Wright A good way to deal with a complex political problem is to bomb it and see what happens
Tim Wright All men are cremated equal
Tim Wright I wear a Life Alert bracelet. If I ever get a life, I want to be alerted
Tim Wright We avoid taking risks in life only to make it safely to death.
Tim Wright If you get excited that jumping on the bed doesn't spill the wineglass on the other side, you are probably an alcoholic
Tim Wright "I don't hit on 18 or over" - solid blackjack advice, questionable dating advice
Tim Wright Death is a life changing experience
Tim Wright Reading a book called Zero Gravity. Literally impossible to put down
Tim Wright If you worry that you aren't creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it
Tim Wright To beat inflation, simply go out and buy a lifetime's supply of everything
Tim Wright You can't have it all. Where would you put it?
Tim Wright I've started taking herbal remedies to treat my dangerously low gullibility levels
Tim Wright I should confront my shyness, but I never will. I hate confrontation
Tim Wright Coffee may not fix your problems, but it'll wake them up
Tim Wright Don’t hate those happy couples riding tandem bikes. They probably met in DUI class
Tim Wright You say I let time slip by. I say it was your turn to keep an eye on it
Tim Wright The best part of a job is taking an off
Tim Wright Got a new hat and I must say, it looks fedorable
Tim Wright I'm a vegetarian not because I love animals—I just really hate plants
Tim Wright If you're going to make me the third wheel on the sidewalk, at least let me stand in front so I can pretend I'm leading my army into battle
Tim Wright Has anyone created a trustworthy drug testing agency called Urine Credible?
Tim Wright We have arrived at a point where our economy is solely running upon a Starbucks on every corner, competing with itself for business
Tim Wright In 1,000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as a punishment
Tim Wright I’m not lazy, but I have considered moving to Alaska so I don’t have to scroll to select my state in a dropdown menu
Tim Wright Even if I could stop being crazy, I wouldn't. It's the only thing I'm good at
Tim Wright My anxiety about enjoying the last day of the weekend always ruins the last day of the weekend
Tim Wright It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green
Tim Wright The average person also swallows seven lizards and one bird in their sleep, but sure, let's hear about all the spiders again
Tim Wright A sign on the wall of the drug store read, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
Tim Wright I have a very nice body. I actually have several if you're interested
Tim Wright Pulled a hamstring today. Thankfully, it wasn’t mine
Tim Wright Thought I knew the way to a woman's heart, but I got lost outside the pericardium and now I'm too embarrassed to ask for directions
Tim Wright I know I'm out to get me. I came close a couple of times too. One of these days, I just may not be quick enough to get out of my way
Tim Wright My doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on here
Tim Wright "Will you miss me?" is a good way to bid farewell to a firing squad
Tim Wright Is it a coincidence that the word "diet" has "die" in it?
Tim Wright I can't be bothered to change the batteries in my TV remote so I'm just growing my fingernails really long
Tim Wright Turns out that I'm not so much a catch as I am a catch and release
Tim Wright Fish spend their whole life in school and never learn the most important rule: Don't be delicious
Tim Wright I never thought I'd get in trouble for preparing mutton with a lovely marinade, but I was absolutely lambasted
Tim Wright I'm so glad this website has three layers of security. I wouldn't want anyone to break in and pay off my student loans
Tim Wright Dane Cook When Dane Hungry
Tim Wright Dictatorship is when someone tells the people what to do. Democracy is when the people get to choose who tells them what to do
Tim Wright My goal is to learn just enough Spanish so I can occasionally pretend I don't speak English
Tim Wright My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation. We now sell smoothies
Tim Wright I have no bad habits—I'm good at them all
Tim Wright I'm probably the best at being humble
Tim Wright I will gladly pay you yesterday for the use of your time machine today
Tim Wright I spent a month building a time machine. There's 30 days of my life I'm going to get back
Tim Wright Nothing sounds quite as sarcastic as a parrot being interrogated
Tim Wright My password is so strong I think it might be taking steroids
Tim Wright My new book, How To Say No Without Upsetting People, has been very politely declined by publishers
Tim Wright Sorry I misunderstood when you asked me to put your cat down
Tim Wright Excess nose hair is my body's natural way of telling me to quit breathing
Tim Wright Happy National Ice Cream Day everyone!
Tim Wright Of course I'm going to buy the two-pack of deodorant. How many armpits do you have?
Tim Wright I just found a penny on the sidewalk and now I'm literally richer than the entire city of Detroit
Tim Wright Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over
Tim Wright I wonder if Batman checks the sky as much as I check my phone
Tim Wright Business idea: a home surgery kit called Suture Self
Tim Wright I’d love to raise a family someday but I don’t know levitation
Tim Wright I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet. I get hungry
Tim Wright I can think of a few four-letter words to sum up this day, but my favorite is "wine"
Tim Wright My thesis on surgical procedures was marked down because the appendix was erroneously removed
Tim Wright My bucket list is now so long that death is not an option
Tim Wright I once lost my temper; when I found it, it was too late
Tim Wright Someone gave me a heart shaped stress ball and now I’m afraid if I don’t squeeze it every few seconds I’ll die
Tim Wright The Mexican space program is just a dark room with glow in the dark stars on the ceiling
Tim Wright Tossed and turned all night. I need to stop sleeping in the clothes dryer
Tim Wright Tried to drown my sorrows last night. Turns out, they can swim
Tim Wright No one sends mixed signals better than the person who replies “Who cares?” on a Facebook post
Tim Wright If you want to call a family meeting, just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room where it's located
Tim Wright Alcohol and fireworks—what could go wrong
Tim Wright Falling asleep during an interview is an excellent way to show that you're calm under pressure
Tim Wright If you don’t like the government spying on its citizens, apparently you should move to Russia
Tim Wright Drilling for natural gas is fracking awesome
Tim Wright It’s a little known fact that George Washington’s head on the U.S. quarter is actual size
Tim Wright I dated a midget once; I was nuts over her
Tim Wright If you've seen one drunk girl in heels you've seen them fall
Tim Wright I was really hoping the Supreme Court would strike down marriage entirely
Tim Wright When arguing with an idiot, make the other person isn't doing the same thing
Tim Wright Dropped out of skydiving school
Tim Wright Garage sales are a good place to find stuff to sell at your next garage sale
Tim Wright Sometimes, I feel as useful as a paramedic at the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Tim Wright Paula Deen may have lost her job at Food Network, but she just signed on for the next Tarantino movie
Tim Wright Bad credit? No credit? No problem! We just won't loan you anything
Tim Wright Sorry but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin
Tim Wright It's only 3,300 minutes until Monday; just in case you were getting excited about the weekend
Tim Wright I didn't have change for the homeless guy, so I gave him my friend's Netflix login
Tim Wright My biggest fear is dropping my phone in the toilet and not being able to take a picture of it
Tim Wright A friend of mine had surgery to get part of her colon removed. Now she has a semi-colon
Tim Wright No one had to show me how to be tightly wound; I'm self-taut
Tim Wright Just sending Father's Day cards to the 50 richest men in the world. Has to work one year
Tim Wright You kiss your mother with that mouth? —Oedipus
Tim Wright "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"
*Hitler rubs chin* "So mine less"
[Grammar Nazi busts in] "MINE FEWER"
[Hitler looks up] Yes?
Tim Wright Life is a gift. You never get the one you really wanted
Tim Wright I love how Batman has all these high tech gadgets, but for the Bat Signal they're like "How 'bout a super big flashlight?"
Tim Wright If I opened a car repair shop, I would call it Auto Correct
Tim Wright Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious
Tim Wright When I die, I'm leaving all my debts to charity
Tim Wright It’s considered poor etiquette to ask a blind person if they’re currently seeing anyone
Tim Wright iveOS7
Tim Wright When pigs fly, we’ll finally have delicious pork wings
Tim Wright Too bad André the Giant never got around to opening a Vietnamese restaurant called “Phee Phi Pho Phum”
Tim Wright Candy crush sounds like the name of an overweight stripper
Tim Wright "No, YOU hang up first" —The NSA
Tim Wright “We will continue fighting aggressively to keep your information safe and secure.”—Mark Zuckerberg

I don't think I could post anything that would top the hilariousness of that statement.
Tim Wright Happy National Doughnut Day everyone!
Tim Wright I aspire to inspire before I expire
Tim Wright Carpenters are only in it for them-shelves
Tim Wright These Goldfish crackers don't even taste like real goldfish
Tim Wright Teach pickpockets a lesson by keeping your bag and pockets full of mousetraps at all times
Tim Wright If each day is a gift, I'd love to know where I can return Mondays
Tim Wright When people say "needless to say", it's needless to say that needless stuff will soon be said
Tim Wright I don't expect to have everything handed to me. Just set it down wherever
Tim Wright Smart cars are not only economical, they're also dishwasher safe
Tim Wright I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time
Tim Wright Did y'all see that documentary on Discovery about how an airplane's fuselage is held together? It's riveting
Tim Wright He said, "Your obsession with cats is out of control. I can't handle it anymore."

She cried, "You're kicking meeeowt?"
Tim Wright Dogs can't see inside your mind, but catscan
Tim Wright If you're reading this right now, have a great day
Tim Wright No one really chooses to live in a sewer. It's something you just kind of fall into
Tim Wright Before realizing my phone can't display emojis, I thought my mom was always asking me, "I love you?"
Tim Wright The administration might want to come up with a better term than "crack down" when talking about sexual assaults in the military
Tim Wright Be the life and soul of the party by drinking alone in a cemetery
Tim Wright Don't think of yourself as "single". Think of yourself as "independently owned and operated"
Tim Wright Sometimes I wrap myself in bows and call myself gifted
Tim Wright Sometimes I put a little cape on my laptop so it turns it into a supercomputer
Tim Wright Every time I let my phone run out of battery, I remember why I'm no longer allowed to have pets
Tim Wright Just because nobody complains doesn't mean that all parachutes are perfect
Tim Wright Hyperbole is easily the best word ever
Tim Wright I hate wet grass in the morning...with all dew respect
Tim Wright It's always nice when someone asks if they can spoon you...unless they're a cannibal
Tim Wright Towels are the leading cause of dry skin
Tim Wright You can be anything you want to be as long as you are delusional
Tim Wright I'd like to thank my mom for being there and helping me out of some real tight spots over the years—starting with the day I was born
Tim Wright I hope to get over my pessimism one day, but I doubt it
Tim Wright The best thing about going to a Brazalian restaurant is you know there'll be no hair in your food
Tim Wright You'll never believe what my imaginary friend just did!
Tim Wright Mirror inspector is a job that I could really see myself doing
Tim Wright I'm the Taylor Swift of going through jars of Nutella
Tim Wright Do I care about the Kentucky Derby? Neigh
Tim Wright Made a list of things to worry about, and my biggest fear is that I left something off
Tim Wright May the 4th be with you
Tim Wright When I was a kid, I used to do this magic act where I'd pull a cloth up over my head and then vanish. I was just going through a stage
Tim Wright Car alarms should sound like two chicks having a fight. I would look out the window for that
Tim Wright Based on my calculations, I should be able to retire about five years after I die
Tim Wright Traffic jam tastes horrible
Tim Wright I once thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken
Tim Wright Cop: you were driving while intoxicated
Me: I was in no condition to walk
Tim Wright I was on a date with this really cute lady. We had dinner and saw a movie. We accidentally bumped knees. Then the plane landed
Tim Wright Is six degrees of separation realistic? Asking for a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend
Tim Wright I try not to make snap judgements, but you’re not applying enough pressure between your middle finger and thumb
Tim Wright If you're going to burn our flag, wrap yourself in it first
Tim Wright I could describe myself as a nihilist, but what's the point?
Tim Wright I walked around Home Depot for an hour because I refused to ask a guy where I can get a "stud finder"
Tim Wright Are nouns still a thing? Or just a person or place?
Tim Wright I think I give great relationship advice, assuming you want to be single soon
Tim Wright I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
Tim Wright Pessimism tells us that everything is terrible and can't get any worse; optimism tells us that it can
Tim Wright Whoever stole my shoes while I was in that bouncy castle needs to grow up
Tim Wright Have you ever asked yourself if you have a split personality?
Tim Wright I don't understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm there
Tim Wright "We need to talk" is a good thing to say if you're about to break up with a mime
Tim Wright Some people are so poor that all they have is money
Tim Wright Slept like a baby last night. I cried for four hours, then crapped my pants
Tim Wright I ordered a self help tape called "How to handle disappointment" When the package came, the box was empty!
Tim Wright In 1947, a coroner zips the body bag of Al Capone and unknowingly becomes one of the first legit gangster wrappers
Tim Wright I know that I'm a total catch, but so is herpes
Tim Wright It's amazing how much you can't accomplish when you do nothing
Tim Wright Saying "the sky's the limit" is a terrible way to motivate young astronauts
Tim Wright If I had $20 for every Macklemore song that I know, I'd only have $20 in my pocket
Tim Wright I once had a handle on life, but it broke
Tim Wright I can count the amount of road rage I have on one middle finger
Tim Wright So, I assume the meet-up in North Korea is off
Tim Wright In my next life I want to be the person I aspired to be in this one
Tim Wright People who say I'm going to die alone make me think they're planning on taking others with them
Tim Wright One guy made sure that no parent could name their son Adolf. How's that for a trademark
Tim Wright Now that I’m older, my memory is a mighty fortress. Nothing penetrates it
Tim Wright I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of "Saving Private Ryan"
Tim Wright When people ask me for advice, I tell them, "use your best judgment," which they clearly don't have if they are asking for my advice
Tim Wright My friend asked me to lend him some protein, but I told him no whey
Tim Wright My ex told me that I'd never find a girl like her again. God, I hope that's true
Tim Wright I'm not saying I am Batman. I am just saying that no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room
Tim Wright The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober
Tim Wright When I die I want to be cremated. On the day before I will eat a pound of raw popcorn kernels. My relatives will not be sad
Tim Wright My athletic body is a result of running from my problems
Tim Wright I showed my therapist some of these posts and now she's seeing a therapist
Tim Wright If time is money, then ATMs are technically time machines
Tim Wright It's called apathy, people. Look it up or whatever, I don't care
Tim Wright The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it
Tim Wright I can't believe Lance Armstrong and I are tied in Tour de France winnings!
Tim Wright Changes are ahead, don't be taken aback. I'll keep you abreast once I figure out what is afoot
Tim Wright They say that having too many cold cuts causes cancer, but I think that's just a bunch of bologna
Tim Wright You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary
Tim Wright Beware of half truths. You may get the wrong half
Tim Wright A shepherd once told me to count his 37 sheep and then round them up. So I told him there were 40
Tim Wright Most women want someone who makes them laugh and feel safe. Basically a clown ninja
Tim Wright Due to the Daylight Saving exchange rate, Canadians lost one hour and two minutes last night
Tim Wright Next time you're sitting at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven’t picked one out yet"
Tim Wright The only job of a philanthropist is to make sure everyone knows they are one
Tim Wright Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken
Tim Wright The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?
Tim Wright What those Red Bull ads don't say is that it gives you tiny vestigial wings, useless for human flight. And they don't even mention the beak
Tim Wright You say you want to bring me back to reality. You're assuming I've been there before
Tim Wright Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year's resolutions
Tim Wright I don't understand why all this horse meat is showing up everywhere when cows are so much easier to catch
Tim Wright A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.
As the plane begins to accelerate, the passengers see the end of the runway rapidly approaching, with certain doom awaiting at the end if the pilots really can't see what they're doing. Just before the end of the runway, all the passengers scream together--right before the plane lifts off. They're a little upset, but relieved that the pilots aren't really blind.
In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and remarked: "you know, Lou, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and then we'll be in real trouble!"
Tim Wright Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Tim Wright No, officer, I didn't know my taillight was out—because I'm not driving behind myself
Tim Wright But of course, let's outlaw guns and they'll go away. That's how we got everyone off drugs
Tim Wright Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am
Tim Wright Pocket watches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones, which we keep in our pockets
Tim Wright "You know what floats my boat? Buoyancy."
Tim Wright Surprisingly, the one thing I almost never use paper clips for, is holding paper together
Tim Wright If I ever do another eulogy for a guy whose parachute didn't open, I'll probably leave out the "he left a huge impression on this Earth" part
Tim Wright Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?"—especially when you're wearing a Batman costume
Tim Wright Getting a job repairing revolving doors was a real turning point in my life
Tim Wright Having heard about deer antler spray, I now know how reindeer fly
Tim Wright I decided to kick myself into gear this morning. I settled on "Park"
Tim Wright If my phone ever gets stolen, one of my biggest worries will be that the thief is reading my draft status updates
Tim Wright I'm giving up my hopes and dreams for Lent
Tim Wright At least you didn't go on a crappy V-day cruise
Tim Wright Nothing says romance (and obesity) more than finishing all the Valentine candy I bought for myself
Tim Wright I gave someone special a pint of blood for Valentine's Day. It came from the heart
Tim Wright I'm worried sick with all the unrest in Africa. I hope my Nigerian princes are safe and are still getting the checks I've been sending
Tim Wright Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "ing"—Idiots
Tim Wright Of course the addicts would point out that I misspelled "Percocet"
Tim Wright Just saw a set of parents with two kids on a leash. I asked if they were friendly before trying to pet them
Tim Wright When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches"
Tim Wright I just realized my entire life is loosely based on a true story
Tim Wright Apparently, California has the highest rate of adultery and depression. It's a sad State of affairs
Tim Wright A bunch of internet weirdos voted the new Monopoly piece to be a cat. Well, there's a surprise
Tim Wright At the end of the day, it's 11:59 PM
Tim Wright Does my politeness offend you? Well, I'm very sorry about that
Tim Wright "Release the crackin'!"—my joints when I get out of bed in the morning
Tim Wright This halftime is better than the Beyonce one
Tim Wright The woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised
Tim Wright People worry about silly things like money. I only worry about life threatening things, like what would happen if sharks learn to fly
Tim Wright I'm taking a karate class online. So far I have broken two computer screens
Tim Wright If anyone tried to steal my identity I would just think "now it's their problem"
Tim Wright The condensed history of a divorce:
I do.
Tim Wright My friend has got an excellent nose for wine. It's shaped like a corkscrew
Tim Wright If my neighbors came by uninvited in real life as much as they do in sitcoms, I'd move
Tim Wright I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes
Tim Wright A toast! To bread!
Tim Wright To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present: they are due back at the library today
Tim Wright Ask your doctor if inviting a bunch of clowns into your bedroom to stare at you while you sleep is right for you
Tim Wright I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand
Tim Wright The new status update prompts on here are starting to get creepy. This morning mine said, "Are you really going to wear that shirt, Tim?"
Tim Wright I had to stop dating my cross-eyed girlfriend. She kept seeing someone else
Tim Wright Allow me to play doubles advocate here for a moment. For all intensive purposes I think you are wrong. In an age where false morals are a diamond dozen, true virtues are a blessing in the skies. We often put our false morality on a petal stool like a bunch of pre-Madonnas, but you all seem to be taking something very valuable for granite. So I ask of you to mustard up all the strength you can because it is a doggy dog world out there
Tim Wright I'm not much of a hunter-gatherer. I'm more of a sitter-watcherer
Tim Wright Pack-a-day smokers make enough ash to fill a small bowl. Of course, they don’t all get cremated
Tim Wright Manti Te'o, Oprah would like to talk to you for a minute
Tim Wright In my defense, the sign in the laundromat said, "When the buzzer sounds, please remove your clothes"
Tim Wright Happy new year guys. All the best this year
Tim Wright New years resolution: Be more gooder at grammer and speling
Tim Wright They say you should test your fire alarm once a month. I try but it's costing me a fortune in houses
Tim Wright I became a parent recently when I adopted a highway. Now I'm trying to teach it to pick up after itself
Tim Wright I'm trying the new gin diet. I've lost 4 days this week
Tim Wright What's my Christmas present?
You see that yellow Ferrari over there?
Well I got you a notebook in the same color.
Tim Wright On a postcard that I received this morning, "Weather here, wish you were great"
Tim Wright If you received any gifts from IKEA that require assembly that person probably hates you
Tim Wright I slept late this morning; did Santa see his shadow?
Tim Wright I lost an electron today. I really gotta start keeping an ion them
Tim Wright I feel like we are drifting apart. Maybe it's time we sea otter people
Tim Wright I'm working out right now. I'm exercising my eyebrow muscles by raising them high. Try it; you'll be surprised!
Tim Wright Apparently Mayan calendars are selling like there's no tomorrow
Tim Wright I think a little moderation is fine if you don't overdo it
Tim Wright Bank of England Governor: "Things may be bad but they're better than next year."
Tim Wright If you are trying to insult me, you are going to have to use smaller words
Tim Wright Karl Marx's grave is just another communist plot
Tim Wright I hate when you look in your closet for clothes and find Narnia instead
Tim Wright I may say some awful things at times, but jokes about tragedies are not funny.
Tim Wright If the Mayans were wrong, it wouldn't be the end of the world
Tim Wright I was thinking about becoming a dermatologist but I don't want to make any rash decisions
Tim Wright I have fond memories of my one night stand; it was made out of oak
Tim Wright If you want to find out who's been avoiding paying their fair share of the taxes, just go to Google and...it's them
Tim Wright I have a very rare condition called acrovaultophobia; a fear of hurdles. You don't get over that
Tim Wright You had me at unibrow
Tim Wright I accidentally went to a party once w/out my phone so to avoid human interaction I pretended to look for something in a couch for 3 hours
Tim Wright The number of really good looking chivalrous guys is fine knight
Tim Wright Feeling super ambitious today. I may take a shower at some point
Tim Wright Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love
Tim Wright Feeling sad again. Maybe if my TV were a little bigger things might finally turn around for me
Tim Wright Sometimes I will text while driving, but I'll always stop to text when I'm pushing a shopping cart
Tim Wright Losing weight means you'll look good in clothes. Exercising means you'll look good naked.
Tim Wright Just saw a bottle of Smart Water was $2. I drank from a fountain like an idiot
Tim Wright I don't need to buy a lottery ticket to remind myself that I'm a loser
Tim Wright Don't break anyone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones, they have 206
Tim Wright When it comes to pooping, I have a can doodoo attitude
Tim Wright I lock the bathroom door for your benefit, not mine
Tim Wright When wearing the Batsuit, the only thing Batman fears is diarrhea
Tim Wright I'm never more focused than when the toilet paper is down to the last couple of revolutions
Tim Wright No more deep-fried Twinkies at the fair?! Now how am I supposed to kill myself
Tim Wright It's cool how my driver's seat reclines ridiculously far back like it knows I'll be homeless and sleeping in my car someday
Tim Wright Black Friday: because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have
Tim Wright I'm having a small, quiet family dinner for Thanksgiving. Small, quiet families are easier to eat than large loud ones
Tim Wright If you had a penny for every smartphone you've dropped in the toilet, you'd probably drop the pennies in the toilet too
Tim Wright I feel pretty confident that whoever steals my idenity will inevitably improve my credit score
Tim Wright Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking
Tim Wright The person you are in love with is 75% water
Tim Wright The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money
Tim Wright Need some quick advice. Do I want my receipt in the bag?
Tim Wright My free-range chicken sandwich just got up and walked away
Tim Wright People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments
Tim Wright Apparently when the waitress asks "How is everything?", she's not really asking about everything; just the food
Tim Wright A car pool is an extravagant waste of water
Tim Wright Everyone has a talent. Mine is the ability to convince people I have a talent
Tim Wright My life has a great cast, but I can't figure out the plot
Tim Wright I know it's going to be a bad day when I jump out of bed and miss the floor
Tim Wright Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived
Tim Wright If anyone is now moving to Canada, please get in touch. I may want to buy your house
Tim Wright That awkward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you
Tim Wright I can't help but think that if bin Laden were alive today, he'd be gasping for breath at the bottom of the ocean
Tim Wright I'm all for gaining an hour on the weekend, but why can't we lose the hour at 3 PM on a Monday?
Tim Wright My superpower is being able to stop even the most basic piece of technology from working
Tim Wright If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people
Tim Wright It smells like someone is cooking breakfast in my house. Not sure if I should call the cops now or wait until after I eat
Tim Wright The best way to avoid a cold is washing your hands and never having children
Tim Wright My definition of the perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from visiting
Tim Wright Trying to make a couple of quick bucks cost me my job when the other scientists caught me injecting the laboratory rabbits with steroids
Tim Wright "Nobody’s life ever really falls apart, exactly. Lives unravel, thread by thread."
—Alex Payne
Tim Wright The Mayans were right; I just peeked ahead and my calendar ends after December!
Tim Wright I wish there was a rollover plan for childhood naps I refused to take
Tim Wright Celebrate Amelia Earhart day. Get lost
Tim Wright The moon is full of mysterious landscapes and craters. On the bright side, you can see them.
Tim Wright Diary of a Newborn:
Day 1, Still tired from the move.
Day 2, Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot
Tim Wright One of these days I might find a Chinese abacus for sale at a reasonable price, but I'm not counting on it
Tim Wright Marriage should be defined as being between a man and a binder
Tim Wright When the doctor told me that he'd messed up my operation, my heart was in my mouth
Tim Wright I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses; especially if they're empty
Tim Wright It's hard for a woman to find a sensitive, caring and good looking man because those men already have boyfriends
Tim Wright Thanks to Halloween, the cobwebs in my house have just become decorations
Tim Wright I'm so glad I don't have to hunt for my food; I don't even know where sandwiches live
Tim Wright My phone wastes 5% of its battery life to repeatedly warn me it's running low
Tim Wright The worst thing about having more money than sense is probably the fact I don't have very much money
Tim Wright I've been told I lack direction. Down is a direction
Tim Wright People who sleep in socks must be very very small
Tim Wright It doesn't take much to make a woman happy. However, it takes even less to make her angry
Tim Wright I don’t want everything. Most of it has to be fed, fixed or cleaned
Tim Wright My bed is this magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do
Tim Wright We had a team building competition at work—and I won
Tim Wright I would die if my doctor told me I only had two weeks to live
Tim Wright Went to church this morning. The crackers and juice were ok but the holy water tasted like dirty fingers
Tim Wright People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body
Tim Wright The worst part about sharing a name with someone famous is I'm always telling people, no, I'm not THAT Batman
Tim Wright If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party
Tim Wright It's odd how all the 'intelligent life detection devices' are pointed away from earth
Tim Wright If I can be of any help to you, then you're in worse trouble than you think
Tim Wright Going to the gym now. I haven't told anyone yet because I wanted you guys to be the first to know
Tim Wright No one's ever been too fat to fit through the door of a supermarket. Intelligent design
Tim Wright I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing
Tim Wright The GPS said that I have to get ready to turn left in one mile and I'm not even close to being prepared
Tim Wright I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should cause car accidents more often
Tim Wright Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn't even listening to you
Tim Wright There are two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors
Tim Wright Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless you're overweight
Tim Wright Alzheimer's: new friends every day
Tim Wright I don't just have issues. I have a subscription
Tim Wright I got into skinny jeans for a little while but I just couldn't pull them off
Tim Wright Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often
Tim Wright Gandhi for Capitalists: Be the chains you wish to see in the world
Tim Wright If I were stranded on a dessert island and could only take one thing, I'd pick a spoon
Tim Wright There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you're supposed to be doing something else
Tim Wright Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every tenth caller was a winner
Tim Wright "Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills
Tim Wright You're always welcome in the "Show Me" state because Missouri loves company
Tim Wright If you own a genuine fur coat, you do realize that the first owner died in it?
Tim Wright Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephants
Tim Wright Funny...I don't remember being absent-minded
Tim Wright Oedipus, call your mother
Tim Wright The only reason to do good stuff is so you can tell people about it
Tim Wright LSU 38
Washington 14
Tim Wright My doctor says he thinks I'm having a mid-life crisis. I was so surprised I nearly fell off my skateboard
Tim Wright Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business
Tim Wright One in three Americans weighs as much as the other two
Tim Wright If Mozart were around today he'd be decomposing
Tim Wright Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them and psychiatrists charge the rent
Tim Wright My friend used to be a regular customer at McDonalds. These days, he's more of a large
Tim Wright For those waiting for me to go out of my mind: it may take longer. The exits are not clearly marked
Tim Wright Be yourself. Unless you're me
Tim Wright LSU 28
N. Texas 7
Tim Wright I can't wait until the day comes that hipsters become so obscure that you've probably never heard of them
Tim Wright Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins
Tim Wright Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Tim Wright A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago
Tim Wright Today is the tomorrow you were dreading yesterday
Tim Wright The cashier told me "strip down, facing me." How was I to know she meant my credit card?
Tim Wright Todd Akin decides to stay in Senate race. Women soon to show him they have ways to shut that whole thing down
Tim Wright I really wasn't planning on going for a run today but those cops came out of nowhere
Tim Wright Foreign Aid: Poor people in a rich country sending money to rich people in a poor country
Tim Wright Sometimes autocorrect can be your worst enema
Tim Wright Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk
Tim Wright A mime will never give you bad advice
Tim Wright I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke
Tim Wright If I have 5 bananas in one hand and 10 oranges in the other...why wasn't I given a bag?
Tim Wright Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it's complicated
Tim Wright I like writing my eights on their sides. It's infinitely better
Tim Wright If I ever get arrested and I'm allowed one phone call, then I'm calling a locksmith
Tim Wright Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice!
Tim Wright I think all car alarms should be replaced with a recording of a boy's voice crying "Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!" over and over
Tim Wright I may not be the only egomaniac in the world, but I am the only one who matters
Tim Wright The imaginary enemy of my enemy is my imaginary friend
Tim Wright A lie is a very poor substitute for the truth, but it's the only one discovered so far
Tim Wright It would be more fun to watch out of shape people compete in these events
Tim Wright The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you're not in shape, it's too far to walk back
Tim Wright A gymnast walks into a bar. He gets a two-point deduction and ruins his chances of a medal.
Tim Wright I think my gene pool may have been one of those above-ground ones.
Tim Wright Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference
Tim Wright The only exercise I get is chasing after the ice cream truck.
Tim Wright The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures
Tim Wright I almost forgot to update my status to say that I'd been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been
Tim Wright I'd be much happier about my test results coming back negative if it hadn't been a personality test
Tim Wright The inventor of the treadmill has passed away. Poor guy never really went anywhere
Tim Wright I'll never be an Olympic athlete but I did participate in a Toyotathon once
Tim Wright The N Korea/S Korea debacle yesterday wasn't a great start to things. But they got the Swiss flag right, which is a big plus
Tim Wright I can't wait for tonight. A bunch of my friends are coming over to play on their phones
Tim Wright I ran into my old English teacher. He said, "Goode to see ye!"
Tim Wright Forgetful? Can't remember where you put things? There's an app for that...somewhere
Tim Wright First rule of Procrastination Club: I'll tell you later
Tim Wright My local grocery store uses four checkouts. Unless it's really busy, then they use one.
Tim Wright I don't know what "gluten free" means but I'm adding it to my résumé
Tim Wright I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous
Tim Wright I always mean what I say.
It's just that I don't always mean to say it out loud.
Tim Wright If you're looking for someone to disappoint you, I won't disappoint you
Tim Wright If you suck at playing the trumpet, that's probably why
Tim Wright I had so much coffee I made it to work in under 4 minutes but I forgot to bring my car
Tim Wright The days of good grammar has went
Tim Wright Happy National Ice Cream Day everyone!
Tim Wright IHOP waitresses give me the crepes
Tim Wright Just saw a coffin that was to die for
Tim Wright I've started group meetings at my house for people with OCD. I don't have it but I'm hoping one of them will be bothered enough to clean it
Tim Wright I can still remember the days before the Internet when I had to mail my search terms to Google and wait 6-8 weeks for the results
Tim Wright Just got a laser jet. Disappointed to say the least
Tim Wright If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will forget their original question
Tim Wright It's nice that humans have the ability to recharge wirelessly
Tim Wright After a holiday, the only thing that makes me glad to see the people I work with is having just seen the people I'm related to
Tim Wright Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it
Tim Wright Don't play dumb with me. That's not a game you can win.
Tim Wright My horoscope started with "are you sitting down?"
Tim Wright If you notice a person is deceiving you, they must not be deceiving you very well
Tim Wright If dentists make their money from looking after our unhealthy teeth then why would I trust a toothpaste 4/5 of them recommend?
Tim Wright Illuminated exit signs are on the way out
Tim Wright I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses
Tim Wright Ask me about my narcissism
Tim Wright One day in the scary movie when the victim yells "Hello?", I want to see the killer shout out "Hey! I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
Tim Wright The last time someone wanted me for my body I was filling out an organ donor card
Tim Wright Be kind to nurses. They choose your needle and catheter sizes
Tim Wright The Karma cafe has no menus. You get served what you deserve
Tim Wright I hate it when someone forgets to cover their mouth when they sneeze, and they spray it right atchoo
Tim Wright Having the body of a man half your age impresses no one when you're 28
Tim Wright If Einstein hadn't come up with the Theory of Relativity, someone else would have. It was only a matter of time
Tim Wright I've got this amazing idea that I don't really understand and have no idea how to explain
Tim Wright I lied about making $4,000 a month from home, and so can you!
Tim Wright It does not surprise me that those people abducted by aliens all get brought back
Tim Wright If people were meant to pop out of bed first thing in the morning, we'd all sleep in toasters
Tim Wright Optimism: Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Pessimism: Where there’s a will, someone died
Tim Wright I was just about to hug someone extremely attractive and I walked right into the mirror
Tim Wright I bet tightrope walkers have no trouble passing police sobriety tests
Tim Wright The 21st century: when deleting history is more important than making it
Tim Wright I've got 99 problems, and my obsessive need to keep count of them is one
Tim Wright I prefer not to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Tim Wright People who have more birthdays live longer
Tim Wright Quotable: "Exploring the world must have been so different back when the world was flat"
Tim Wright I used to wonder what it was like to read people's minds. But now that I have a Facebook account I'm over it
Tim Wright I'm not very influential. Last time I pulled some strings my sweater unraveled
Tim Wright They finally invented a computer as smart as a person. When it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Tim Wright I hope actress Jessica Biel names her first born child Batmo.
Tim Wright I just made my hamster a strong coffee. I don't want him falling asleep at the wheel
Tim Wright The first thing they should teach solicitors in soliciting school is what the words "no" and "soliciting" mean.
Tim Wright Hallmark should make a card for occasions when you want to say "I told you so!"
Tim Wright Hitch-hikers are really friendly. I've gone past three in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up.
Tim Wright Why does "Messages" on OS X have to suck so badly?
Tim Wright I'd retire nicely if I could sell my experience for what it cost me
Tim Wright I missed Nat'l Doughnut Day this year. Sorry everyone
Tim Wright Went to the shop the other day to buy 6 cans of Sprite. Only when I got home did I realise I'd picked 7up
Tim Wright Nanotechnology is gonna be huge.
Tim Wright I was asked to donate to the Ronald McDonald House. How big of a house does that clown need?
Tim Wright I can always count on you to be totally unreliable
Tim Wright I gave up Karate years ago. I'm still kicking myself.
Tim Wright Not knowing the difference between patronizing and condescending is nothing to worry your silly little self about.
Tim Wright Watching the sunset over the Pacific
Tim Wright Strangers are just friends that haven't asked you to help them move yet.
Tim Wright The people who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it
Tim Wright I'm paranoid AND needy. I think people are talking about me, just not as often as I'd like
Tim Wright Just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. I ended up smashing the mirror with the salt shaker.
Tim Wright I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It's called "Bitches & Hoes".
Tim Wright Kelly Blue Book says the easiest way to triple the value of your car is to fill it with gas.
Tim Wright This new sundial I bought is useless. It doesn't say whether its AM or PM
Tim Wright The worst thing about having ADD and OCD is that I forget to wash my hands 50 times a day
Tim Wright I would have gone to Clooney's fundraiser for Obama, but I spent my last $40,000 on gas
Tim Wright Hanging is the leading cause of death for stick figure people
Tim Wright Off to my appointment with the optometrist. I know there's a joke in here somewhere but I can't see it.
Tim Wright I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog hasn't been house trained.
Tim Wright If you were on a deserted island and you could only bring one item, how come people never say "a boat"
Tim Wright It's sad that most people won't express their opinion on the internet if it involves more than one mouse click. Like this post if you agree.
Tim Wright If you're worried that your kids aren't loud enough, you can always put them in a swimming pool.
Tim Wright Everyone seems to have a problem with me texting and driving; especially the people on this sidewalk
Tim Wright For a lion to be a cannibal, he must first swallow his pride.
Tim Wright Why limit happy to just an hour?
Tim Wright This year, I used deductive reasoning to prepare my taxes. If I could find a reason, I deducted it.
Tim Wright It takes 50 muscles to frown. Good workout.
Tim Wright Eskimos eat whale meat and blubber; I'd blubber too if I had to eat whale meat
Tim Wright I'm a very persuasive person; I can convince myself of anything.
Tim Wright Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up?
Tim Wright Just sold a lawn mower on Craigslist. That'll be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday
Tim Wright People say I over-analyse things. But how so? And what things? Who are these people?
Tim Wright There's only so much I can do for Earth Day, but at the very least, I'll turn off my Christmas lights for a few minutes
Tim Wright I thought about joining The Skeptics Society, but I have serious doubts about their dedication.
Tim Wright I think cow tipping is probably the most aggressive form of lactose intolerance
Tim Wright "Quit while you're ahead" has to be the worst racing advice I've ever heard
Tim Wright Sure, I have my little hang-ups just like everybody else—usually with telemarketers
Tim Wright Fast food restaurants probably shouldn't have a value meal called the "number 2."
Tim Wright I've been up all night interrogating an egg. I think he's about to crack
Tim Wright A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken
Tim Wright 2011 tax returns are due tomorrow. According to the IRS, you have what it takes
Tim Wright The waiter said, "Your table will be ready shortly." This is the last time I'll be coming to Ikea's restaurant.
Tim Wright Let's grow old together. You go first.
Tim Wright Facebook buys Instagram for $1 billion. Idiots, they could have downloaded it for free.
Tim Wright Their plan for a paperless office looked good, on paper
Tim Wright If your profile picture is a car, then I have no choice but to assume you're a transformer
Tim Wright My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Tim Wright I'm living the dream; I sleep all the time
Tim Wright I really need to stop talking to my cat. Right meow.
Tim Wright I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
Tim Wright I wish I could remember that joke I heard about Alzheimer's
Tim Wright Hey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing
Tim Wright If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band.
Tim Wright The worst thing about practical jokes on April Fool's Day is that most of them are running for office.
Tim Wright To celebrate April Fool's Day, Fox News is running a story based on actual facts.
Tim Wright Mary Rose sat on a pin. Mary rose.
Tim Wright You should know you'll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, "Alcohol by volume."
Tim Wright Once you start making Freudian slips, it's just one after a mother
Tim Wright This Coke machine just asked me if Pepsi was okay
Tim Wright Is it true that people with type O blood make more mistakes when they type?
Tim Wright People should stop having kids at 35, because that's a lot of kids
Tim Wright Hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime boarding school every year, never to be heard from again
Tim Wright The doctor told me I suffer from insomnia. I lay awake all night worrying about it.
Tim Wright I used to own a party balloon company but I couldn't keep up with the high cost of inflation.
Tim Wright It appears my window of opportunity has been painted shut
Tim Wright Somewhere, a smart Laser eye surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus
Tim Wright She makes Freudian slips all the time, but who am I to jugs?
Tim Wright No one makes a bigger deal about driving to work than firetrucks.
Tim Wright Looking up "obsolescence" in the Encyclopedia Britannica.
Tim Wright When I was 17 I thought my parents were the stupidest people in the world. At 21 I was amazed at how much they had learned in 4 years.
Tim Wright I'm an aspiring lottery winner.
Tim Wright My muscle tone needs autotune.
Tim Wright There was a big fire at work today. It was okay though; I opened the fire escape and it left.
Tim Wright If I were half man-half horse I would try to be the Centaur of attention.
Tim Wright The "check engine" light came on, so I did. Yep, it's still there.
Tim Wright "How come you're so lucky at cards yet so unlucky at the horses?"

"I don't get to shuffle the horses."
Tim Wright Lost an hour. Bet it's somewhere with my keys.
Tim Wright My paranoid iTunes iDevice synchronization process:
1. Backup
2. Sync
3. Backup
4. Transfer Purchases
5. Backup
Tim Wright Delusions are simply the ability to remember things exactly as they never happened.
Tim Wright Tablet computers are hard to swallow.
Tim Wright Actions speak louder than words, but talk is cheap and you have to consider that in this economy.
Tim Wright Remember, there are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for you.
Push and Pull.
Tim Wright I was playing my air guitar and accidentally woke up a mime.
Tim Wright Just read a statistic on the most common way people walk when drunk. It's staggering.
Tim Wright I start everyday with a sit-up. I've done nearly 10,000 so far.
Tim Wright Sorry for party rockin'
Tim Wright My friend was a pro at Russian Roulette—he only lost once.
Tim Wright The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.
Tim Wright Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
Tim Wright I thoroughly enjoy when telemarketer phone systems leave voicemail on my Google voice number, which also uses an automated phone system. We've invested years into getting these systems right, including improving speech-to-text (and vice-versa) technology, and we've devolved into this?! The machines are communicating! Progress, right?
Tim Wright We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.
Tim Wright Why do dogs always think the knock at the door is for them?
Tim Wright Age is a matter of mind and if you don’t mind, it don’t matter
Tim Wright Got a letter from the IRS. They say they can't survive on my income and I need to get another job.
Tim Wright The glass is always cleaner on the other side.
Tim Wright Quotable: "I think abortion is wrong and should be illegal, but I want to be able to have one if I get pregnant"
Tim Wright Now that the government covers the cost of contraceptives, I wonder if they'll foot the bill for dinner and a movie too.
Tim Wright Immortality jokes never get old.
Tim Wright "I'm having trouble finding myself." - Waldo in therapy
Tim Wright The best part of a hostess's job is when she gets to ask a Native American customer if he has a reservation.
Tim Wright Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. I regretted it literally one minute later.
Tim Wright I stop the microwave at 0:01 to feel like I'm a bomb defuser.
Tim Wright Before I lose my temper I always count to zen.
Tim Wright When I had laryngitis, I was a hoarse whisperer.
Tim Wright Wanted to be a farmer at one time, but it turned out to be the wrong field for me.
Tim Wright My chiropractor said I needed a posture alignment but I think she was just pulling my leg.
Tim Wright Looks like my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working either.
Tim Wright Buying someone special a matching belt and bag for Valentines Day. She'll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
Tim Wright I'm a little worried about my new tax software. It just recommended I slip across the border into Mexico.
Tim Wright The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Tim Wright I'm nicknamed Spider. It sounds tough, but it's really because I'm more scared of you than you are of me.
Tim Wright Someday, the machines will rise up and shrink all of our favorite shirts.
Tim Wright Time for bed. My sleep number is up.
Tim Wright Quotable: "'How big is the medium pizza?' '8 slices' 'Can you cut it into 4? I can't eat 8.'"
Tim Wright My doctor said I need to quit my helium addiction before I get carried away.
Tim Wright I've recently stopped using products that are tested on animals. My dog hasn't had a meal in 2 days.
Tim Wright Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes it makes you sick.
Tim Wright Go Giants!
Tim Wright To me, a Super Bowl is one that's full of snacks I don't have to share.
Tim Wright I keep a well-stocked pantry in case friends drop by. I could hide in there for days.
Tim Wright Quotable: "Was the 95 theses before or after the 'I have a dream' speech?"
Tim Wright You'll spend a lot less time wondering what people think of you once you realize that they don't.
Tim Wright You don't need training to be a garbage collector. You just pick it up as you go along.
Tim Wright The U.S. recalls one million packets of defective birth control pills. So, welcome class of 2030!
Tim Wright I wish my cat would stop thinking outside the box.
Tim Wright Whenever I'm on Amazon, I always get the shopping cart with one bad wheel.
Tim Wright I don't have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. So whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree.
Tim Wright Cats make great pets. Of their owners.
Tim Wright I just want a president who will look good telling us a meteor is about to crash into Earth.
Tim Wright Some things are best kept between you and the neighbors. Like a fence, for example.
Tim Wright I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Tim Wright "I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in." --Mitt Romney
Tim Wright Ulcers are caused not so much by what we eat as by what's eating us.
Tim Wright Butterflies are not what they used to be.
Tim Wright These CBS announcers are funny. Referring to Brady stretching out his arms to get the <0.5 yd touchdown on the 4th down, "you wouldn't want to do that at midfield."
Tim Wright Let's see how smug Opportunity will be when he finally knocks at Death's door.
Tim Wright Beware when taking a magician's exam; the test is loaded with trick questions.
Tim Wright I hope my New Year's Resolution to only say nice things about people isn't misinterpreted as a vow of silence.
Tim Wright I realize it's the 100th Anniversary of the Titanic, but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?
Tim Wright http://stopsoap.com/
Tim Wright Google could never completely black out their site. Some people would never find their browser's address bar.
Tim Wright Prison guard is a pretty good job. Who's going to steal a prison.
Tim Wright The weight gainer by itself isn't enough. I need to go fully back on the creatine as well :-/
Tim Wright Under these broad definitions [SOPA: Domestic/Foreign Internet Site, PIPA: Non-domestic domain name], domestically hosted sites such as 'redd.it' and 'bit.ly' can be defined as foreign internet sites. On the other side of the coin, foreign hosted sites such as wikileaks.org and thepiratebay.org can be defined as 'domestic', since their domain names are registered through authorities located in the U.S.
Tim Wright Thanks Leif for posting this first: http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DMo9zOcV44Q8&h;=lAQFyHSO_AQERzm3KvKowuqSJBmrOwIyOHCickfn4b5oN5g
Tim Wright Facebook really sold out putting featured products/services in the news feed. Zuck didn't realize how right he was when he said, "Facebook is the new MySpace."
Tim Wright This chick just told me she wants to have my children....She is going to be soooo surprised when I bring her my 3 year old.
Tim Wright My life coach told me I'd have to get one before he could coach me on it.
Tim Wright How do you fit an elephant into a Subway bag?

You take the "s" out of "sub" and the "f" out of "way"
Tim Wright My friends bet me a hundred bucks I wouldn't take three Viagra tabs at once. I thought, ''How hard can it be?''
Tim Wright I'm trying to find myself. But to make it interesting, I'm wearing camouflage.
Tim Wright Ever decide to run a red light and the guy in front of you chickens out?
Tim Wright As crushing as it is to have watched that disappointing and utterly embarrassing game, I still feel better than all the LSU fans who paid to see it in person.
Tim Wright First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class!
Tim Wright If it weren't for the GPS on my phone, I don't know where I'd be today.
Tim Wright Siri's response to the question "Where can I hide a body?" is "What kind of place are you looking for?" followed by a list of suggestions.
Tim Wright If you’re celebrating at a New Year’s Eve party, try not to get carried away. In fact, try to leave without any help at all.
Tim Wright My New Year's resolution is 1920×1200
Tim Wright I get in trouble because there are only two kinds of secrets: those that aren't worth keeping and those that are too good to keep.
Tim Wright Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I'm not positive I am thinking.
Tim Wright I finally found a silica gel packet that doesn't say "do not eat." This stuff is delicious!
Tim Wright Why doesn't Santa visit naughty kids anymore? Have you seen the price of coal?
Tim Wright Right before I die, I'm gonna to say to whoever is next to me, "I left a million dollars in the..."
Tim Wright Everytime I hear of someone that was attacked by a shark, I think "didn't they hear the music?"
Tim Wright I'm going to take a hot shower. It's a normal shower, but with me in it.
Tim Wright The captain and I are not seeing aye to aye.
Tim Wright I pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.
Tim Wright Yesterday, me and my new lady friend went on our first date to the skating rink, but we were kicked out. We had started to break the ice.
Tim Wright An avalanche happens when all hill breaks loose.
Tim Wright When I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they’re panicked over who’s getting cut from the team.
Tim Wright A pessimist is merely someone who recognises that every silver lining is attached to a cloud.
Tim Wright My Christmas tree was too big for the car so I had to cut the top off. It wasn't so bad. I always wanted a convertible anyway.
Tim Wright My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home and forgetting things.
Tim Wright The sale of horse meat for consumption is now legal again in America and it’s a game changer for little girls who want a birthday pony.
Tim Wright I walked past a shop that was selling microscopes. So I went in for a closer look.
Tim Wright If I lunged out of bed to turn off the alarm clock, does that count as a workout?
Tim Wright Support the U.S. economy, buy American politicians.
Tim Wright "I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day."
-Craig Sharf
Tim Wright I don't know what my credit score is but I'm pretty sure I'm losing.
Tim Wright My accountant recently came up with so many tax deductions, I had enough left over for bail.
Tim Wright My upstairs neighbour made a groundbreaking discovery last night. He can't fly.
Tim Wright Happy Thanksgiving!
Tim Wright "LDU stands for LDraw Unit - the basic unit of measurement in LDraw, the open standard for LEGO CAD programs…"
Tim Wright I'm no turkey, but I still don't know how I'm going to survive this Thanksgiving either.
Tim Wright I've just heard that yesterday one of the seven dwarves kissed a giraffe. According to various sources, the other six put him up to it.
Tim Wright Never take the first flight out, nor the last flight in. Lesson learned, on both counts.
Tim Wright So I put my phone on "Airplane Mode" and threw my phone up in the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Tim Wright Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.
Tim Wright A cocaine dealer puts his business in other people's noses.
Tim Wright Made it to NY. Hanging out with Jeff and Molly :)
Tim Wright Just switched my flights from one delayed flight to another delayed flight. Sigh
Tim Wright I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs. We haven't had a single customer.
Tim Wright Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
Tim Wright Ever since I misplaced my dictionary, I've been at a loss for words.
Tim Wright Of course I can keep a secret. It's the people I tell it to who can't.
Tim Wright I'm sorry, Siri, but if I wanted my phone to talk to me I would answer my calls.
Tim Wright Exactly what object needed cutting so urgently that people were running with scissors in the first place?
Tim Wright Special thanks today to my brother, Jeff, and to all those serving our country. To some, this is just another day, but there are others of us out there that appreciate your service. Thank you.
Tim Wright As it turns out, people are bad for the environment.
Tim Wright "[S]hould restrainingOrder be an edge or a node in [the social graph]?" -Maciej Ceglowski
Tim Wright I never change the clock in my car. Six months of the year, I'm an hour late. The other six I'm two hours late.
Tim Wright LG now has refrigerators with wi-fi...like my deli ham needs to be watching YouTube videos all day.
Tim Wright The end of daylight saving time was this morning. It's saving, not savings. There is no daylight savings account, and you sure as hell don't collect daylight interest, whatever that would be.
Tim Wright LSU 24
Alabama 20
Tim Wright One of my family members has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's; if only I could remember which one.
Tim Wright Some people are motivated by carrots, others by sticks. But nobody is motivated by carrot sticks.
Tim Wright I used to work as a trapeze artist. Until I was let go.
Tim Wright I never worry about money. What's the sense of worrying about something you don't have?
Tim Wright It's just as well money can't buy happiness. With prices what they are today, who could afford it anyway?
Tim Wright Halloween is the by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
Tim Wright My horns came in. :)
Tim Wright Does anyone actually use the Friend My Friends app in iOS 5?
Tim Wright It's normal for kids to play "doctor." Start worrying if you find them playing "airport security."
Tim Wright Hearing aid for sale. Give me a shout if you're interested.
Tim Wright Text someone, "Hey, I lost my phone, can you call it for me?" and see if they notice what you just did.
Tim Wright I don't need Halloween to pretend to be somebody I'm not.
Tim Wright Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? Good times.
Tim Wright LSU 35
Auburn 14
Tim Wright Gym this morning, work today, and wings tonight at 7:30. BONUS!
Tim Wright The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
Tim Wright I've been waaaaay too busy today. I can't remember if I lost my dog or if I found a dog leash.
Tim Wright 5 more minutes of sleep, that's all I ask. But please don't start the countdown for another 2 hours.
Tim Wright This weather is looking fierce!
Tim Wright The difference between important and impotent is how your request for leave to recover from a vasectomy will be received.
Tim Wright These policemen take Hide and Seek very seriously.
Tim Wright Never interrupt an iPhone restore process (even when it appears okay to do so). Here's hoping a second restore properly organizes my home screen apps.
Tim Wright Know who else likes that full-bodied flavor? Cannibals.
Tim Wright Musical Chairs. Because kids don't have a hard enough time feeling left out.
Tim Wright No Trespassing: "'Anyone found here at night, will be found here in the morning."
Tim Wright LSU 35
Florida 10
Tim Wright People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anyone shows up.
Tim Wright It's all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
Tim Wright If you turn a left-handed glove inside-out, which hand does it fit on?
Tim Wright Quick, you can order advance copies of my new book: "How to Waste Money."
Tim Wright LSU 38
Kentucky 6
Tim Wright Yes, I had camouflage parachute pants in the 80s, but in my defense, I was in the army's elite breakdancing unit.
Tim Wright I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet. -Craig Sharf
Tim Wright Apple's iPhone announcement is Tuesday October 4th
Tim Wright "The sports team from my area is superior to the sports team from your area."
Tim Wright LSU 35
WV 14
Tim Wright Gary Johnson on last night's GOP debate, "My next door neighbor's two dogs have created more shovel-ready jobs than this current administration." I like this guy already.
Tim Wright The EPA, really, Herman Cain?! What about the education department that everyone on stage said was grossly inadequate?
Tim Wright I don't know how all those kids on "Toddlers and Tiaras" cope with having developmentally disabled parents.
Tim Wright I found some chips in the bag of air I just bought.
Tim Wright Did you hear about the five blondes who fell off a cliff? They were playing follow the leader.
Tim Wright Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Tim Wright LSU 24
Miss St 3
Tim Wright You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
Tim Wright Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.
Tim Wright The last time someone told me I looked hot it was 102 degrees outside
Tim Wright A cop pulls over a guy for speeding.

Cop: "I've been waiting for you all day"
Guy: "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"
Tim Wright "The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "four F's": fighting, fleeting, feeding, and mating." -Marvin Dunnette
Tim Wright Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Tim Wright The nice thing about being single is I'm always there when I need me.
Tim Wright If you think our government's problems are bad, then you should see their solutions.
Tim Wright I like chicken omelets. It's like eating the circle of life
Tim Wright I just invited all the guys at my Arsonist Anonymous group to a house warming party.
Tim Wright I watched the entire P-90X series and didn't lose a pound. What a scam.
Tim Wright If you need a backhoe, just bury some fiber cable. One will be along shortly to dig it up.
Tim Wright looooooooooool: laughing obstinate offhandedly on obvious of officially odd odorous offensive occurrences oftentimes out loud?
Tim Wright Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
Tim Wright The Czech engine light is always on in my Yugo.
Tim Wright On launching a new sub-genre of movies based on the premise of putting aliens into historical events: "[T]he signing of the declaration of independence was delayed by at least a fortnight due to the alien invasion of late June in 1776."
Tim Wright I would give a kidney to wake up in a tub full of ice
Tim Wright I need to find my aim in life before I run out of ammunition.
Tim Wright John and Kate plus eight? Ha, old news. I'm watching Casey Anthony minus one.
Tim Wright Some kids down the street challenged me to a water fight. I'm just posting this status update while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Tim Wright You take the "the" out of psychotherapist.
Tim Wright "Ever get so broke that the bank starts charging you money—for not having enough money?" --Louis C.K.
Tim Wright Life is like a box of chocolates: if you have diabetes, are on a diet or hate chocolate, then forget it.
Tim Wright National Ice Cream Day!
Tim Wright I think I broke the key to success in the doorknob of opportunity.
Tim Wright I'm not flying a kite. The kite is walking me on a leash.
Tim Wright I've got this new Calorie counting app. Each day I keep trying for a new high score.
Tim Wright The UK army has lost over £6million worth of equipment. That's the problem when you cover everything with camouflage.
Tim Wright Democracy is two wolves and a sheep deciding on what's for dinner.
Tim Wright Where have I been all my life?
Tim Wright I have a hidden talent—I just wish I could find it.
Tim Wright There's a principle about dropping five dollars into a public toilet. You won't reach in for that five, but throw another twenty in there and it becomes worth it.
Tim Wright Have you ever walked into a room and forgot why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend most of their lives.
Tim Wright Me and this recliner go way back.
Tim Wright A guy was told by his doctor that he needs to lose weight and suggested he join a health club. He lost 20 lbs in a week. The machine tore his leg off!
Tim Wright The key to picking up women is lifting with your legs.
Tim Wright Gollum stole the ringworm
Tim Wright If you're a repo man, what you seize is what you get.
Tim Wright Go out and write your own story, or you'll just be a character in someone else's.
Tim Wright Just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy.
Tim Wright I drove my car until the day of wreckoning.
Tim Wright I've had to cancel my impotence clinic appointment. Something's come up.
Tim Wright You know, statistically speaking, six out of seven dwarves are not Happy.
Tim Wright I'd be more optimistic if I thought it would help.
Tim Wright A simile is like a metaphor
Tim Wright Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
Tim Wright I used to cry when cutting onions. I've since become indifferent to their suffering.
Tim Wright My inferiority complex is not as good as anyone else's.
Tim Wright I cut my drinking in half by taking the orange juice out of these screwdrivers.
Tim Wright A detective I know dropped his iPhone today. He cracked the case.
Tim Wright My uncle lost his tongue in the war; he never talks about it.
Tim Wright I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent, now he'll never have any friends
Tim Wright It's a good thing that Apple added Twitter integration into iOS 5. Can I phone in my tweets too?
Tim Wright If you leave alphabet soup on the stove too long, it could spell disaster.
Tim Wright There are not many banks left with the word "trust" in their name.
Tim Wright There's a fine line between hyphenated words.
Tim Wright I tried looking up 'Opaque' in the dictionary today. The definition was not very clear.
Tim Wright I lost my mood ring.I don't know how I feel about this.
Tim Wright For those of you upset that there was no rapture on Saturday: cheer up! It's not the end of the world.
Tim Wright I just hope whatever kills me is on my bucket list.
Tim Wright Would it be considered bad form to schedule an interview for tomorrow with Harold Camping, and then just not show up?
Tim Wright It's a good thing that Harold Camping is out there warning people that "earthquakes [will] happen across the world, all at 6pm local time." I wasn't aware that earthquakes were concerned with silly things like time-zone boundaries.
Tim Wright "On the way home, stop for some ice." -Captain of the Titanic's wife
Tim Wright Windows 7 was my idea. Microsoft, you can make the check out to Tim Wright
Tim Wright I've had it up to here with midget jokes.
Tim Wright I only go to Facebook to see what I've been up to.
Tim Wright 4 out of 5 doctors agree that emoticons are the number one cause of neck injuries :P
Tim Wright Happy Osama-Bin-Laden-is-dead day!
Tim Wright "Always look forward, reflecting on the past disappoints and causes grief."
Tim Wright If you want someone to fall for you, you've got to give them something worth tripping over.
Tim Wright I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.
Tim Wright All this talk of genetically modified food being contrary to nature is bogus. Today I had a delicious leg of cod.
Tim Wright The battle between the giant soft drink manufacturers is over: Pepsi One® Coke Zero®
Tim Wright Tried to donate blood today. Didn't realize you had to give your own.
Tim Wright You don't need to afford the things you're buying; you need to afford the interest on the money you need to borrow in order to buy them.
Tim Wright Make a man a fire and he shall be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he shall be warm for the rest of his life.
Tim Wright Happy Turkey Holocaust day!
Tim Wright Please put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. My wish for 2011 is that people will understand that being eaten by dragons is not something to be ashamed of. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and are truly terrifying. 93% of people won't copy and paste this... They have... already been eaten by dragons.
Tim Wright "Man, Farmville is so huge! Do you realize it's the second-biggest browser-based social-networking-centered farming game in the WORLD?" -xkcd
Tim Wright Today is national ice cream day
Tim Wright Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Tim Wright "There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." -- Douglas Adams
Tim Wright If you watch the movie "Jaws" backwards, it's a movie about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they have to open a beach.
Tim Wright "Vegetables are what food eats."