Happy National Cheesecake Day!
I’m not narcissistic, I just wonder how all of this pertains to me
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio, so I completely relate to dogs that bark at the TV
Plot twist: the struggle is imaginary
Saw the Grand Canyon. It was just gorges
If you don’t recognize Tom Petty when he comes on the radio, then don’t come around here no more
Driving in circles was fun, in a roundabout way
Happy National Ice Cream Day!
If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys
I’ve never found a solution to anything in the bottom of a bottle, but after the first drink I have the answers to everything
I run when I sleepwalk because I’m fast asleep
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Frukoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Latervia. Byegium
July the 4th be with you
What’s your favorite song about lime-coconut remedies?
I want the confidence of the old naked guys in the gym locker room
I want to be a knight in shining armor. Not for a woman, I just live in America so it seems like the best way to stay safe in public
It’s not a “drawbridge lever”, it’s called the “moat control”
Someone just called me “Ace” and now I feel like I’m either better than a king or worse than a 2
TWO+TWO=FOUR
TW+TW=FUR
2TW=FUR
(W=UU)
2T(UU)=FUR
2TU=FR
U=FR/2T
U=FR over 2T
you = forever tooty
TW+TW=FUR
2TW=FUR
(W=UU)
2T(UU)=FUR
2TU=FR
U=FR/2T
U=FR over 2T
you = forever tooty
Just found out AT&T; stands for American Telephone and Telegraph. I think my internet is connected to the telegraph side
I wasn’t trying to push all of your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think
I don’t like who I become when there’s an unattended box of doughnuts lying around at the office
National Donut Day > National Full-Size Spare Day
Happy National 🍩 Day everyone!
Happy National 🍩 Day everyone!
Taylor and Calvin Harris broke up. That was Swift
People may look at me funny for not taking the elevator but I’ll take the stares
I used to have a foot fetish. Now I’m totally into the metric system
They say the average person checks their phone 80 times a day. Finally I’m above average at something
Netflix gives you 15 seconds between episodes to decide whether or not you’re doing anything with your life today
Smoking may cause cancer, but it cures ham
I tried cutting my own bangs, but I couldn’t even
Of course Trump loves taco bowls. It’s Mexican with a wall around it
Revenge of the Fifth
Extra virgin olive oil is just like regular olive oil but with more Star Wars action figures
May the Forth be with you!
May the Forth be with you!
Earth Day. What can you buy for a planet that literally has everything?
Happy National High-Five Day 🙏🏼
This year when I checked the “Single” box on my tax form, the IRS is sending me a cat
I am at my most sexy when I’m looking for my phone while texting
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, “that’s the last thing I need”
Washed down two Tylenol with a glass of champagne because water is for peasants and being sober gives me a headache
Don’t worry—My bird puns fly over my head too
Nothing says “Good Morning” like a nice pot of coffee made in the bathroom. Thanks hotels, you thought of everything
Quick reminder: April Fool’s Day has been moved to the 2nd because of leap year
March is Fraud Awareness Month…or is it?
I’d be embarrassed if I got caught stealing kitchen utensils, but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take
I’m never worried when my mom wants to look at pics on my phone because I know that five seconds later she’ll say, “I don't know how to work this”
They’re taking an entire hour out of our day? And on a Sunday, no less? Clearly this is an attack on our religious freedoms. Thanks, Obama
Why do you want to ride the crazy train? What is your loco motive?
I thought Fifty Shades of Grey was a coloring book for dogs
We only get one extra day every four years, and they gave us a Monday?!
Love can make you fat. Lust however, best cardio workout ever
Starbucks is planning on selling beer and wine. Apparently it’s getting difficult to sell sober people a $12 cup of coffee
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions. Now pass the Girl Scout Cookies
Valentine’s Day gifts are like sushi rolls: you’ll regret buying one from a gas station mini-mart
I never knew true evil until I saw a cake recipe that used Miracle Whip
You mean you’ve never knocked someone off a horse with a lance before? Surely you joust
Despite watching several YouTube instructional videos, the appendectomy was unsuccessful
Egyptians probably thought, “Nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do.” Then came the Internet
For those of you who don’t know Spanish, El Chapo translates to The Chapo
It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas, Steve
Happy Festivus!
The Merriam-Webster definition of “plagiarism” was stolen from another dictionary
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing
I’m disappointed that Kim and Kanye aren’t going to name their new baby Wild Wild
I worked hard to establish my neck brace company. I haven’t looked back since
I would rather play Russian Roulette than Monopoly. At least I know there’s an end to that game
Shouldn’t polygamist Mormons be called Morwomens?
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled
The Allman Brothers couldn’t have had a woman in the band for two reasons
“Would you like some company?”
—Warren Buffett’s financial advisor, probably
—Warren Buffett’s financial advisor, probably
Holding a carving knife to someone’s giblets will make anyone thankful
Everyone is complaining about their significant other, and I’m just trying to keep mine charged above 10%
How are people organised enough to have affairs? I can hardly keep up with when garbage day is
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I’m at a loss for words, which is not saying much
If you want people to think you’re listening to music, you have to plug the headphones into something. Singing was a nice touch though
In an open-carry church, they say, "Piece be with you"
meerkats > mere cats
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer to the bottom shelf of the fridge
Caller ID is really just adult hide and seek
If you love had a little lamb so much, then why don’t you marry had a little lamb?
If daylight saving time is such a great idea, why do we stop at just an hour? Let’s set the clock back a whole month
Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween because they don’t like people just showing up at the door
Go vote today. Disappointing the candidates you don’t agree with is easy
The Pillsbury Doughboy is my roll model
Oceanography is all about current events
Ever notice the irony in “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated?”
I’m glad that I’m not a General, because autocorrect just changed “lunch order” to “launch order”
Just ask Tommy. Hilfiger it out
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone
How to make a list:
7. Write a number; lists have numbers
4. Write another number
9. You’re getting it
16. List master
7. Write a number; lists have numbers
4. Write another number
9. You’re getting it
16. List master
I don’t understand why they called it “WebMD” when they could have called it “Sickipedia”
The stroke that caused Elmer Fudd’s speech impediment was stwess welated, due to a lack of west and wewaxation
I’m not sure why the fact that the Black Whopper turns your poop bright green makes me want to eat it, but here I am
I have a very good clasp of the English language
Friend just threw milk, butter, and yogurt all over me. How dairy
There are plenty of obstacles to go around
I came into this world with nothing and I still have most of it left
Even my computer says I need to get toner
If all of my friends jumped off of a bridge, I would think I have pretty awesome friends
I wasn’t in the mood to take my vitamins this morning, so I had to use a spoon and make helicopter sounds
So you don’t have a savings account?Just checking
I could make fun of the pope but he’s figured out a way to wear a robe everyday so I guess I’ll keep my mouth shut
Purposely sneeze in front of the Pope to get the most definitive “God bless you” of all time
Sometimes I wish I had Jessie’s girl, but you can’t just find a woman like that
I was invited to the Constipation Anonymous meeting. I can’t go
I’m going to beat this insomnia, even if it takes me the whole night to do it
If I’ve learned anything from my mistakes, it’s that I’m fantastic at making them
You know how in horse racing an ambulance follows the horses and jockeys around the track? I need that when I go jogging
My superpower is getting behind the person who’s obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM
I just want to be as happy as the people in those laxative commercials
I met her at a game of Russian Roulette, and we just clicked
Homemade clocks are pretty alarming
My posts vacillate between really stupid and something that would prove I know what vacillate means
The average American kid watches too much television. When asked about this, parents looked up from their phone and said, “What kid?”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Also, snakes, being audited, spiders, death, failure, the vast uncertainty of the universe, etc…
I wanted to be a programmer but I have a real aversion to binary. It’s my number one problem
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about the dangers of going outside
I wonder what our dogs think we’re doing when we’re staring at our phones
More Kraft Singles were recalled today because of faulty wrappers—wait, there’s a wrapper we were supposed to be removing?
I think someone abducted all of my neighbors. It's after 7:30am on a Saturday and I don’t hear their mowers
If Web MD was realistic, you’d have to sit in your underwear on a piece of paper for 45 minutes while it searched for your results
I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte, and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes
I pay Netflix 8 bucks a month so I don’t have to fall asleep to my own thoughts
If I don’t push my luck, how will I even know that I have any?
Google Maps uses a woman’s voice because they know we’ll listen despite our instincts when she’s wrong to avoid making things even worse
On a scale of the atomic weight of Hydrogen to the Avogadro Constant, how chemically imbalanced are you?
At my age, rolling out of bed is easy.
Getting up off the floor is the hard part
Getting up off the floor is the hard part
I got a new blender but I’ve been getting mixed results
What if one day Google was deleted and we couldn’t Google what happened to Google? I’m just Bing thoughtful
If they don’t want the stock market to fall, they should give it a mobility scooter or a walker with tennis ball feet
The best way to end decapitation is to fight it head-on
Average jokester → median comedian
There is figuratively no one who knows how to properly use the word “literally”
Turns out those Ashley Madison accounts were easy to hack because most of the passwords were Giggity Giggity
Jokes on you, kids who put shaving cream on my car. I was going to shave my car anyway
If you wait patiently at a construction site, all of the caterpillars will become butterflies—fearsome giant mechanical butterflies
When I have a clipboard full of text that I haven’t pasted, I imagine my computer holding its breath, cheeks puffed, and its mouth full of letters
If we elect Donald Trump president, there will be hell toupee
Too many bad things happen to women named Jane Doe
Science fact: If you measured the distance of the flight path of Apollo 11, it would stretch to the moon and back
I can’t find my glue gun. That’s when everything started falling apart
Reduce your carbon foot print by buying shoes not made from carbon
As president, I will round everything up or down to the nearest dollar and eliminate change
I know karate and tons of other words
I like to call random numbers and say “Psychic Hotline, can I help you?” in hopes that one day I’ll freak out someone who was about to call
Exercising can add years to your life. For example, I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 67
Stand with Rand < Sit with Mitt < Hike with Mike < Windmill with Jindal < Stump with Trump
Why do they call them “jousting competitions” and not “So You Think You Can Lance?”
Sweatpants never judge you
I’d like some crab legs but I can’t afford the surgery
I didn’t eat my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian
We’re having guests over for dinner. Time to put some Little Caeser’s in the boxes we saved from the nice pizza place
I'd have more respect for the word consonant if its correct spelling was cnsnnt
There’s a peculiar Latin word, “ipso,” meaning the thing itself, but it is what it is
I’m going to New Orleans. Is that all right bayou?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I’m an introvert. It’s just the way my bellybutton has always been
I don’t know why it’s called a bank statement. Mine just sort of mumbles
Hands down, 6:30 is the best time on a clock
There was a show on last night called “How to successfully trap a lemur.” I only managed to catch the tail end of it
There’s an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin, and salt in a can. If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT. It’s spam
2015 English Latin abbreviations:
e.g. = like
i.e. = you know
etc. = or whatever
et al. = or whoever
cf. = check out
viz. = you know
e.g. = like
i.e. = you know
etc. = or whatever
et al. = or whoever
cf. = check out
viz. = you know
I self-identify with the Greek experience of running out of money in less than one week
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, “wow! He must be really blind”
Star Trek fans just don’t have the enterprise for space travel
Happy National Ice Cream Day!
I’m sorry, I can’t do anything with you that involves physical activity. My fitbit is charging
They were right, Amazon Prime Day was just like Black Friday. I didn’t buy anything then either
If anyone’s interested, Greece just went up on eBay
I never broke my phone or left it anywhere when I was young, but the cord probably kept that from happening
Schrödinger’s cat is missing, but that’s neither here nor there
On more than one occasion, my refrigerator has really saved my bacon
All I really want from life is for the perforation line on my bill statements to match up with the fold line
You can’t run through a campsite. You can only ran because it’s past tents
Disapproval. Because that’s how eye roll
The best way to market a digital camera is to say there are no negatives
I could probably fall asleep right now if someone could just stop the Internet
My Shark Week lights are still up from last year
It’s not who you know, it’s whom
I’ve got a lot of problems, but at least I’m not lysdexic
All Stonehenge really tells us is that dinosaurs weren’t very good at Tetris
Sorry I uninvited you to my 4th of July party, but you asked if I was serving veggie burgers
For Sale: “For Sale” sign. Never used
Yes, I know you charge extra for the guac so please stop reminding me about my expensive habit
Sometimes I write fitness jokes but they rarely work out
Removing the film cover from Uncle Ben’s frozen dinner: rice peel-off
Wait, all these rainbow profile pics don’t mean that you love skittles? I was way off on that one
One of my goals in life? To finish a tube of chapstick before losing it
Everybody’s a critic, and I don’t think they’re doing it right
If pigs could fly, the price of bacon would be sky high
I used to have pinterest, but the pin fell out and I lost interest
The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don’t have a problem
For Sale: Emperor’s Old Clothes. Must be seen
My doctor says I have a cute tinnitus. That’s a bit inappropriate, and I’d rather he just cure the ringing in my ears
Animal husbandry is legal?
Donald Trump believes there aren’t any problems he can’t overcomb
A car alarm is good for those times when you want people to know your car has an alarm
Nothing cures insomnia quite like realizing it’s time to get up
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood
Not saying I’m behind in my laundry, but I certainly have the nicest tuxedo in this supermarket
I want my casket to have a crank that plays Jack-in-the-box music
If unnecessarily using prison metaphors is a crime, then lock me up and throw away the key
I used to have a book on how to deal with loss. I can’t find it
I took a shower, but I felt guilty so I put it back
It says a lot about a person when they write an autobiography
Ben Folds because Ben’s an awful poker player
My ability to stay on the rails is unparalleled
IMDb is run by a really proud bee
I was raised by owls. Well, just one owl. It was a hootenanny
I never finish anyth
Do people hang dreamcatchers in their car because they fall asleep at the wheel often?
I’m at my most resourceful when I use the light on my phone to look for my phone
When there’s a tornado warning in Texas, everyone should go to the Cowboys stadium. No chance of a touchdown there
I have a rare disease that prevents me from dancing. I’ve had it for months now, and I can’t seem to shake it
I never fake sarcasms
This may come as a shock to you, but I just dragged my feet across the carpet
Just paid $400 for an air conditioner, and I’m cool with that
I'm so old that I can remember getting through an entire day without taking a picture of anything
Reincarnation is cool because screwing up one life isn’t enough
Who called it “scoring a point in tennis” and not “making a racquet?”
There’s nothing more redundant than a Radio Shack with a “Going Out of Business” sign
I’ve reheated my coffee in the microwave so many times, that now it’s beginning to glow
Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube
I called to check my balance and I swear that I heard a voice whisper “if you break the ramen noodles packs in two, they last twice as long”
Interest rates are down; chimneys are through the roof
I want to work at a bank so I can get that employee discount on money
Does anyone here have only one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have
Flies spread disease—keep yours zipped
I thought Fall Out Boy was some sort of wardrobe malfunction
I mashed 6.02×10²³ avocados to make this guac a mole
You have no idea what you mean to another person. Don’t ever assume
Give me one good reason why I should look up the word incentive
I wish the government would go through my emails, because I’m never going to
No thanks; five hours of energy sounds exhausting
The NFL concluded their investigation into the Patriots’ deflated balls by asking them to turn their heads and cough
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
I installed the How Old app and got email coupon for half off prune juice
I can’t stand when my foot falls asleep
Just saw Life of Pi. Out of 5 stars, I give it 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825…
The one thing that’s nice about not being rich or handsome is that you know the girl likes you for you
I think it’s only a matter of time before smart phones are bigger than smart cars
Who named it a “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra”?
Big thanks for translating “Le Monde” for me. It means the world
The truth is like a rubber band…the more you stretch it the greater the chance for it to snap back and hit you in the face
My psychotic horse sleeps in an unstable
Why did they call it a selfie stick instead of a narcissistick?
I think my therapist is seeing other people
Being paid to sleep would be my dream job
The weekend can’t get here soon enough, so I’m going to start without it
“Your story checks out,” said the bookstore clerk as she rang me up
Trigonometry gods, show me a sine
What’s worse than your girlfriend sending you a break-up text? A followup text saying, “Sorry that wasn’t for you”
I’m dying to find out who will be at my funeral
Stop putting labels on people, use them for jars instead
Bungee jumping will be my downfall
You can learn a lot about yourself by the words your phone no longer attempts to autocorrect
If my sarcasm bothers anyone, please let me know and I’ll stop
This year, I don’t know whether to screw up my own taxes or pay someone to screw them up for me
Don’t forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that don’t work as hard as you do
Hilary: I’m running for president
America: We have a girlfriend
America: We have a girlfriend
I stood at a phone charging station at the airport like I was on dialysis
National Sibling Day was invented by sibling companies to sell more siblings
My company sells the best Velcro in the world, guaranteed. And you can hold me to that
I got a thesaurus today. Sorry, I acquired a thesaurus today
Treat each day as your last, and someday you’ll be right
I haven’t trusted autocorrect since I texted someone that the children ate our future
I have no idea what “illuminated” means. Perhaps you can shed some light on it?
I thought I was doing a pretty good job of ignoring the elephant in the room until they gave me a shovel and told me to clean up after it
If you’re making me choose between us and my insufferable use of mathematics puns, then I think I just found ex
I always see the pest in people
Whenever I'm feeling down I just scroll through my eBay feedback and remind myself what a pleasure it is to do business with me
“Suit yourself” —lazy tailors
If oil is made from decomposed dinosaurs, and plastic is made from oil, then plastic dinosaurs are made from—real dinosaurs
Telling that zombie I was going to give him a piece of my mind wasn’t my best choice of words
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”
Staying awake till 2am so I can change my clocks twice a year is the closest I’ll ever get to time travel
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow
Apparently “pics or it didn’t happen” is strictly enforced at the gym
Are you concerned about human cloning? That makes two of us
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography
Microsoft just announced they’re getting rid of Internet Explorer. Now how will we download Chrome?
If you think accidentally sexting your parents is embarrassing, just wait until they return the favor
The thing that hurts most about being stuck in a well is how everyone talks down to you
On scale from 0 to 9999999999, what is your phone number?
If I could make a single wish, it would be to have nothing to wish for
I don’t believe you’re actually “homeless and hungry” if your beard is better groomed than mine
I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine
Using a floppy disk icon for “save” in 2015 is like if they used a horse image on road signs when they mean “car”
To make a long story short, quit right in the middle
There’s no “t” in “China”
Job interview? Bring a sealed jar of pickles and open it to show them that your greatest strength is physical, and your greatest weakness is pickles
“America runs on Dunkin” is a pretty bold claim. In fact, I’d say that most Dunkin Donuts customers don’t run at all
The only convincing answer to the question, “Can you keep a secret?” is “I can’t tell you that”
Who named it the “Apple Watch” and not “A Clockwork Apple”
If you carry a screwdriver in your fanny-pack it's technically a tool belt
If it weren’t for Spring Forward/Fall Back, I’d never get any exercise
Fortune cookie people write cryptic fortunes to intentionally confucius
My favorite thing about Scooby-Doo is that unexplainable events occur and nobody suspects the four out-of-towners with a talking dog
Some people call it “dog tired,” but I prefer the term barkolepsy
Saw a chameleon today, so it wasn’t a very good one
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realized that I’d been invited to an autopsy
There must be two dozen pennies in the tray next to the register, give or take
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is
February is National Time Management Month. Thanks, but I could manage my time better in a month with at least three more days
The “must wash hands” sign in the bathroom has braille underneath the words. I can’t help but wonder how dirty that sign is
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes
When life throws me a curveball, I try to duck so it hits someone else
The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions
That first kiss in the morning is so special—and the dog enjoys it too
Told the barista at Starbucks my name was Justice just so I could say for once that Justice was served
My phone autocorrected “I need a life coach” to “I need a life couch” and I’ve never felt more understood
The image on my new 4K television is so sharp that it actually seems like the evil girl with the long black hair is coming right out of i—
The world’s 80 richest people are now worth as much as its poorest 3.5 billion, although in fairness, fairness has nothing to do with it
People who wear glasses are spectacular
Misplacing a dumbbell is, without question, the fastest way to lose weight
If a bear attacks you, pretend to be dead. That way, the bear will feel less guilty when it actually kills you
Even on Valentine's Day, my secret admirers take the secret part seriously
First Stephen Colbert leaves the Report, then Jon Stewart is leaving The Daily Show. Where will I get my news now?
NBC has suspended Brian Williams for 6 months hoping that by then we’ll all misremember as much about Brian Williams as Brian Williams does
Horseradish sandwich—extra horse
I can remember a time when “take a picture, it lasts longer” was an insult
McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds, it won’t be long before you’re dead
I named my dog Slobber, because I like how it sounds. It just rolls off the tongue
Obviously The Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga need to do a side project together called “Goo Goo Gaga”
My gourmet specialty is a peanut purée lightly garnished with jellied grape essence nestled on a bed of pain blanc
Ironically, people are still listening to “Let it go”
Eating breakfast in the shower isn’t the time saver I thought it’d be
If you want to mess with someone, tell them “Happy Groundhog Day” when they wake up today
Experts say the first stage of getting over something is denial. I don’t think that’s right
I watch the Super Bowl for the cheerleaders
Got tired of cutting my Adam’s Apple while shaving, so I upgraded to an Adam’s Android.
I was hacked again. Sometimes I wish I never grew up on 12,345,678th Street with a dog named Password
The only reason I don't eat meat every day is because meat is expensive, and I’m not made of money. I am, however, made of meat
My name is Tim, but my friends call me occasionally
I gave 110% once. The check bounced
I’ve finally finished my book about the inner workings of clocks and watches. It’s about time
The yogurt aisle is so confusing. It’s all Greek to me
I don’t mean to brag, but my bank just sent me an email saying that I am outstanding
It’s funny how civilization used to grind to a halt when we lost electricity; now all it takes is losing wifi
Hunting is easier for vegetarians because it’s easier to sneak up on plants
My friend’s Labrador Retriever has yet to retrieve a single Labrador
I’m going to buy a dog and name it “The Fury” just so I can unleash it
I tried to buy a La-Z-Boy but my credit card was reclined
If you believe that you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself
If I had a time machine, I’d pause it so I can get some sleep
They’re called cell phones because we’re pretty much imprisoned by them now
Looking for a spark? Lick a battery
Love triangle? You mean, like…pizza?
My five year plan was based on the Mayan calendar
Thought I lost some weight during the holidays, but I found it
Saw on the news last night that someone had pick pocketed a midget. How could someone stoop so low?
My birth certificate has a lifetime warranty
Isn’t it interesting that the tragedy in Paris took place in one of the toughest gun control countries in the world?
Sorry I invited FEMA to your wedding, but I know a disaster when I see one
People who type in all lower case letters are against capitalism
I had to rewind a VHS tape for my parents. For my next act, I’ll churn some butter and ford a river in a covered wagon
Need to know how to put things in chronological order? First things first
Why do we call it “puppetry” and not a “show of hands?”
Sorry that I called you a narcissist in public. I thought you wanted everyone to know
I’ve gotten so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed
My New Year’s Resolution for 2015 is to be more optimistic and less sarcastic. Like that’s going to happen
2015 was going to be my year but someone on my news feed already called it
When my iPod’s on shuffle, I skip through so many songs. Apparently, I hate my taste in music
I have a closet full of skeletons so I always have the right skeleton for any occasion
Keep your friends’ clothes, and your enemy’s toaster
Weird how it's so weather outside
If I’m interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate
I always know what to get friends or family members for a special occasion. It's a gift
Rudolph realized it was a blessing in disguise when no one invited him to play Facebook games either
When I said that I have a boat, I meant gravy
Life is too short to unplug the USB drive safely
If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on
Supercuts is one step away from just handing you the scissors and saying, “Here, you fix it”
Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough
I’ll take the ten lords a-leaping, but only if they’re Time Lords and we’re quantum leaping
It was probably really easy to sell soda when you were allowed to put cocaine in it
I just wanted to look up obscure medical conditions and Wikipedia is extorting me for three whole dollars
Applied for a job as a server at a restaurant. And now we wait…
I eat meat because Hitler was a vegetarian and I don’t want to end up like him
What’s the world’s most unpronounceable word? It’s hard to say
Got my hand stuck in the bank’s vacuum tube trying to get my receipt and now I’m craving Pringles
Forget everything you’ve been told about having amnesia
Just saw an air freshener so big they had to tie it on top of the car
I break the ice by twisting the tray until I hear a crack and some cubes pop out
There’s a vas deferens between men who have had a vasectomy and those who haven’t
Watching a sofa-bed go from being a sofa to a bed is like watching the laziest superhero ever spring into action
I can still accomplish my New Year’s resolution if I work out 12 times every day this month
I saved thousands of dollars on Black Friday by not buying stuff I don’t need
Settle down commercials. I haven't memorized a phone number in a decade. Don't come at me like I need to know my sleep number and credit score
My brain just logged me out due to inactivity and now I can’t remember my password
My fortune said “don’t take advice from cookies”
If I was invisible…I would hug so many people
If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza
If there’s a better way of showing thanks than eating a large bird followed by pie, I’d like to see it
People that use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites—or insults
“Free range chickens” is a bit much. It makes it sound like a herd of chickens is thundering across the West like wild mustangs
Off to Costco. Who wants a twelve-pack of canoes?
Get off my level
The world is half full of optimists
It looks like bathroom tai chi, but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser
It’s beginning to look a lot like mid-November
You say “alcoholism”; I say “liver crossfit”
75% of people enjoy making laser pistol noises according to a Pew Pew Research Center poll
Gravity was invented by scientists to control the masses
The price of tea in China is steep
I was planning to get a flu shot until I found out that it isn't a kind of drink
I have no issue with people who have let themselves go, it’s the people who have let themselves stay that bother me
If you want to join our Scrabble club, I can put in a good word for you
Why adopt a highway? I already drive like I own the road
Why are you so easily startled? The answer may surprise you
Acting lessons build character
I thought they called it a lavatory because you don't want to touch the floor
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on
Of all the Sesame Street residents, why was Big Bird ostrichsized?
Fair play is essential. If the other team uses it, you can beat 'em every time
Go vote today. Not because I am telling you to, but because everyone else is
I found my first gray hair today, but what really bothered me was that it was in my breakfast sandwich
Seven months ago I spent an hour trying to figure out why we still have daylight saving time. There's an hour I'm about to get back
I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me
One of the scariest haunted houses in the country is the US Capitol building. That place is full of monsters with skeletons in the closet
Texting wasn't always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an “s”? You better click that 7 button _four_ times
Just found out that my birthday is on National Pancake Day next year! Woot!
The really impressive thing about the world's oldest person is that they started life as the world's youngest person
I keep a small knife in the drawer beside my bed, so if an intruder does break in, I get to spend my last few seconds rummaging through a drawer
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside
Thanks for choosing UPS to ship your package. Would you like to purchase insurance in case we completely fail at the only job we're supposed to do?
Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and yet society wants us all to get along
Sean Connery trying to train his dog to sit but it just keeps pooping on the floor
So your dog chased after a meteor and returned five years later with it in his mouth? That's really far-fetched
I wonder if those GMail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name
No, my dog didn’t have surgery. I put the lamp shade on him because his eyes shine too brightly in pictures
I wonder what my dog named me
The time traveller, when visiting the past, was beside himself
Things we can learn from a dog:
• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• When loved ones come home, always run and greet them.
• When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.
• Let others know when they have invaded your territory.
• Take naps and stretch before rising.
• Run, romp, and play daily.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
• Be loyal.
• Never pretend to be something you’re not.
• If what you want is buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
• Thrive on attention.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and sit under a shady tree.
• When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
• No matter how often you are scolded, don’t buy the guilt thing and pout, run right back and make friends.
• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• When loved ones come home, always run and greet them.
• When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.
• Let others know when they have invaded your territory.
• Take naps and stretch before rising.
• Run, romp, and play daily.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
• Be loyal.
• Never pretend to be something you’re not.
• If what you want is buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
• Thrive on attention.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and sit under a shady tree.
• When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
• No matter how often you are scolded, don’t buy the guilt thing and pout, run right back and make friends.
The worst part of a coughing fit is your dog looking at you thinking “You can’t even bark properly and yet my life depends on you?”
My life coach just benched me
Every time I bend over to tie my shoelaces, Siri asks me if I'm OK. My back is a little sore, but how did she know?!
The rumor that I've been shampooing pigs is hogwash
I really love it when people can't tell whether I'm being sarcastic or not
The only reason I work out is because there are a lot of people I want to outlive
Just got a paper cut opening a band-aid. How convenient
You call it stealing lions from the zoo. I call it taking ownership of pride
Want to keep the Doctor away? There's an Apple for that
A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee
How do you poach an elephant? I mean, I can hardly poach an egg
Most people have never used a semicolon that wasn't part of a winking emoticon
My “walking around” money must have wandered off
Got my flu shot at the Target pharmacy today. Next week I'm having surgery at Costco
Replaced my friend’s Chapstick with a glue stick, but he had little to say about it afterward
You don’t have to go out there and be a role model today, but let’s try not being a life lesson
I mean well, but I keep saying aquifer
I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath
I recently got a full body tattoo that looks just like me
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog
At least the people that bend their iPhone can feel smugly superior to those that tried to charge theirs in the microwave
I've been trying to eat better, so this morning I used a spoon
How to fall downstairs:
Step 11
Step 7
Step 4
Step 3, 2, 1
Step 11
Step 7
Step 4
Step 3, 2, 1
Abbreviatiors gonna abbvt
I shake my bottled water so the Hs and Os are evenly distributed
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does
How many Paranormal Activity movies do they have to make before it counts as a normal activity?
This tuna was caught using sustainable pole and line methods, so it’s basically okay about being in this sandwich
Can't wait for the day when I can take a break from staring at my phone to stare at my watch
Those who don't use their blinker when they make turns have no direction in life
I was chowing down on some chips, Ruffles–the ones with a picture of three whole chips on the front, when I noticed in tiny text just below, “Serving Suggestion”. The nutrition facts on the reverse says the serving size is 1oz (About 12 chips).
After mulling over the implications that this disparity causes (not only the crazy thought of somehow someone having the self control of only eating 12 chips, or even THREE, but that the suggestion is much less than serving size. The “suggestion” is that even Frito-Lay is hinting that we shouldn't be eating these chips. And to mask it under tiny print.), I was treated to images of millions of these bags of chips spoiling all over America, as people limit their consumption to three of these delicacies in a serving.
All this thinking and pondering and pontificating has got me hungry. Oops.
After mulling over the implications that this disparity causes (not only the crazy thought of somehow someone having the self control of only eating 12 chips, or even THREE, but that the suggestion is much less than serving size. The “suggestion” is that even Frito-Lay is hinting that we shouldn't be eating these chips. And to mask it under tiny print.), I was treated to images of millions of these bags of chips spoiling all over America, as people limit their consumption to three of these delicacies in a serving.
All this thinking and pondering and pontificating has got me hungry. Oops.
I bet the guy who invented the drawing board got it right on the first try because he had nothing to go back to
They say you only use 10% of your brain, but why would you listen to someone who admittedly only uses 10% of their brain?
Stop asking me why I'm still single—I don't ask you why you're still married
I got a job as a referee. It's official
Staying up late to preorder the new iPhone? Me neither
What if Stacy's mom was Jessie's girl, and her number was 867-5309?
A horse is just a meat bicycle
I may be Schizophrenic, but at least I have each other
Bought a new boomerang but I can't throw away my old one
I can't sleep. All these crickets are throwing off my cicadian rhythm
My dyslexia has reached a new owl
I'll pay you $20 to complete the self-evaluation form for my performance review. Just stress how I take personal responsibility for my worK
Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them
A juice bar called Just Kale Yourself
I'm not an underachiever. I just like to make sure I'm always full of potential
If you love steak so much, why don't you marinate it?
I don’t trust people who say “I married my best friend” because I don't think dogs can truly consent to marriage
“Doctor, what will happen when I put on these glasses?”
“You'll see”
“You'll see”
I was going to tell a joke about a basement but that would be beneath me
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks
Entertain the idea that your ideas are not entertaining
I don't know who ate the cake in the fridge, but somebody smeared frosting on my face to cover their tracks
Glad I wasn't born in France since I don't speak French
Just watched a movie about tornadoes. There was a huge twist at the end
I have a love ate relationship with food
What if this whole ice water thing is just a marketing stunt put on by the bucket industry?
Met an illegal human organs trader. Now there's a man after my own heart
If you throw a baseball at the sign outside a Target store and hit it the entire building falls into a giant pool of water
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than to figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page
My teleportation firm has collapsed. Customers failed to materialize
New girl doesn't know what a euphemism is. I told her don't worry about it, I'd fill her in later
If that's a smart car, I'd hate to see a stupid one
My bread-making factory has been torched. The business is toast
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that firefighters usually use water
“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”
—Robin Williams
—Robin Williams
Banks put their pen on a chain because they don’t trust me to not steal it, yet for some reason I trust them with all my money
Sounds like my neighbor just got a new vacuum cleaner, and that it’s made by Boeing
“It's not what it looks like,” I tell my friends as they help me search for my pet chameleon
“Pizza Hut, can I take your order?”
“May I speak with the owl, please?”
“Who?”
“Yes, exactly”
“May I speak with the owl, please?”
“Who?”
“Yes, exactly”
Handkerchiefs are actually baby ghosts
I wish I was as confident about the uncertainty of life as the contestants on Wheel of Fortune are about yelling out the wrong answers
Tried to catch some fog in a jar. Mist.
Passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change
Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what you have left
It's pretty cool how all the cell phone providers have the “fastest” network
Power nap is like a regular nap but you burn more calories during it
It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick
Today is National Cheesecake Day
I don't think “safe sex” sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination?
Technically speaking, all shoes are buy one get one free
Friends are like snowflakes. If you pee on them, they disappear
That awkward moment when a midget tells you to get on their level
If you watch Rocky backwards, it's an unboxing video
*Thor’re
Just spotted an albino Dalmatian. It’s the least I could do
Bought a self-help book entitled “How To Walk Further”. It's a step-by-step guide
The best place to keep a caricature of yourself is the bedroom because nobody will see it there, and the caricature will remind you why
Happy National Ice Cream Day!
I was hip in my 20’s, and now I'm a waist
I don't have insomnia, I just live in the wrong hemisphere
If by financial plan you mean, “I have a lottery ticket that I haven't checked yet”…then yes, I have a financial plan
I love how people say they're “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin
The stick figure on the back of my vehicle is for hangman
Got quite good at juggling balls. But if I try more than three, things get out of hand
Pick up the book nearest you. Turn to page 45. Read the first sentence. Write it on the back of a $20 bill and mail it to me. Amazing, huh?
The thing about Workaholics Anonymous is that if you have time to come to the meetings, you don't really have a problem
Today I had an interview for a job as a ninja. I didn't show up, and I got the job
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leaving
“Okay, that's a wrap”
—Ancient Egyptian morticians
—Ancient Egyptian morticians
Can't tell you how many grocery store social encounters I've escaped by throwing a bag of flour on the ground and disappearing in the cloud
I take the elevator. That's just how I was raised
Almost had a near-life experience
I already had one leg behind my head when I realized that this was probably not what that interviewer meant by “flexible”
Discount fireworks—because fingers are overrated
I consider myself more of an amateur crastinator
Someone told me there are two ways of looking at every problem; now I feel like I have twice as many problems
Now Luis Suarez “deeply regrets ” biting Giorgio Chiellini and vows not to bite again. He really shouldn't open his mouth
If you have ADD, you can't be in a focus group
I noticed a mosquito in the bathroom while I was peeing. Now the bathroom is soaked in urine, and I have a concussion and a mosquito bite
I had an acute friend pass away; she is with the angles now
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth the $20
If somebody can't figure out how to leave a voicemail without instructions, I definitely don't want to hear what they have to say
On Long Island they just call it iced tea
I'm lazy. I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button
A rose by any other name would be a ruse
The tangled mess I’ve made of my headphones reminds me that I'd be a terrible spider
Who decided to call it a “birth control”, and not, “let’s not kid ourselves”
Girls with expensive handbags seem so Prada themselves
The things I can do with a cattle prod will shock you
Make sure you tell everyone on Facebook how much you love your mom before telling her
Selling your headphones brand to Apple for $3.2 billion is one way to make sure no one forgot about Dre
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I expect. Not all this “How did you get in to my house?” business
I live for a living
I don't know why computer hackers chose to go after Target stores. It's almost like somebody put a big bullseye on their sign
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them
Have a day. That's about as inspirational as I get
I consider myself a compassionate person. If I see a sign that says “Have you seen my dog?”, I will always call and tell them that I haven't
It's kind of cruel that "stutter" has two syllables
Laryngitis means never having to say you're sorry
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe
Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright
Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright
I think my chameleon escaped from its cage, but I can't be sure
Firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
My next song is about subtraction. Take it away…
I love the way airport security can feel me up and down and make me remove my belt and yet somehow I'm still the one under suspicion
Every day is “bring your kid to work day” at the iphone production factory
I'm the kinda guy that, when asked to spell something over the phone, I say “P for psychopath” just to completely throw them off
My signature move is to write my first name followed by my last name, but with a spelling mistake in case I need to dispute the payment later
Just finished writing my tragedy about horses. It's a tale of whoa
We all know a guy who says he knows a guy
You can’t stand being around me? Think about how I feel—I have to be around me all the time
Do you know how irritating it is when people answer their own questions? Very
If you wait, you only get older
It's depressing how the “<3” symbol looks like someone dropped their ice cream cone
Self checkout should include an employee discount
Happy National High-Five Day!
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something
If you are telling me that I cheat at Scrabble, I'll have to take your word for it
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them
It takes about 60 seconds to drown in quicksand. Let that sink in for a minute
Superman has died. He was buried in some crypt, tonight
Since my ear surgery, I haven't heard from my doctor. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not
I whispered to my Wi-Fi, “be strong”
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision
You can’t say “splendid” without doing a British accent
Many truck drivers ask "How's My Driving?", which is extremely worrying, given it's their actual profession
I don’t own a house pet because I don’t believe in keeping houses as pets
If I talked in my sleep, that's how I'd handle every conversation
whats_up.doc
I can't believe that after all of these years, we've never discovered any new letters of the alphabet
I was thinking of seeing a psychic, so I figure a really good one ought to be calling any day now
Opening the dishwasher mid-cycle is like a police raid where everyone inside stands still like nothing was going on
My relationship with my ex was very psychological. She's psycho and I'm logical
Please scan your first place the item in the slide your rewards unexpected item in the please choose your remove your receipt thank you for
I stole a few pancakes syruptitiously
I've been reading "Narcissism for Dummies." It's all about me
Recent statistics show numbers, because that’s how statistics work
The only thing more annoying than people chewing ice are the ones insisting that I stop
Be yourself. You already have the costume
I would totally buy a mansion in Alaska if they were called bigloos
Put my phone on airplane mode and now it's missing
Brains are awesome. I wish everybody had one
Early Romans were so advanced technologically because it was easy to include numbers in their passwords
I always wear a ski mask to bed; if anyone breaks in, they'll think I'm part of the team
The morgue is right around the coroner
The Mayans were thwarted 2000 years ago by the Venetians, without whom it would indeed have been curtains for everyone
When my hair turns grey I think I might dye
Schrödinger’s caterpillar may or may not have become a butterfly
Once you learn how to put on the skis, it’s all downhill from there
My talents include tricking people on the internet to believe I am a cool and funny person
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them
Rotten pistachios. That's the problem in a nutshell
2Fast2Furious is probably my favorite movie named after a medium-strength password
Nobody knows the pain caused by a passionate two-week fling ending in sudden rejection quite like a library book
Ever had one of those days? I've had 10964 of them
Do what you love and arrest will follow
Japan's flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan
If you've ever seen a lamb being born, you've basically seen me getting out of bed in the morning
It always makes me laugh when people ask if I have birthday plans and I have to point out that I don't have a plan for anything
Offer cannot be combined with any other offer unless the other offer offers others other offers
I didn't do myself any favors last year while attempting to save characters by messaging my crushes "Happy VD!"
Took some beautiful pictures at the museum today, but they made me give them back
"The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made"
—Jean Giraudoux
—Jean Giraudoux
I leave my Altoids in the can so that they stay in mint condition
A: Janet Jackson, Lady Gaga, and Narnia
Q: Name three "wardrobe malfunctions"
Q: Name three "wardrobe malfunctions"
Why do we call it "going to the doctor", and not "being ill advised"?
There's no excuse for laziness. If you find one, let me know
Last Christmas I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever. I woke up in a box
What we need is more stuff we don't need
A cardboard belt is a waist of paper
As the shoe said to the hat, "You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot"
Thank you ATM fees, for allowing me to buy my own money
A wise man once told me something. I just can't remember what it was
Kids getting a puppy soon? Name it what you want but, remember, this will be the answer to security questions for the rest of your life
People who hurt themselves doing something they love are taken to the hospital in an ambivalence
If today feels like the worst day of your life, remember that there's always tomorrow. Who knows what sort of bad things will happen then
Reports of my depth have been greatly exaggerated
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
Jokes about hot-air balloons tend to go over my head
I think I could start a pretty successful company that makes nothing but excuses
I want to defend a penguin in court just so I can say, “Your Honor, my client is clearly not a flight risk"
Stop playing the victim. That’s not even a real instrument
It doesn't bother me when people call me narcissistic, because they're still talking about me
When around blind people, I always screw up and say things like: "See what I mean?"
Mime artists divorce when they run out of things to not say to each other
Ghost dogs are the best kind of ghosts and the worst kind of dogs
You're never to old to throw random stuff in other people's shopping carts when they aren't looking
I'd like to meet people who understand Venn diagrams, but we never mix in the same circles
I didn't lose you. I won me.
It's illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that
"Leave of absence" is redundant
Ron White: "When I started doing stand-up, the IRS said that I need to file my taxes quarterly—which I thought meant every 25 years"
Sorry I ate all of the chips. It was a snaccident
Is it wrong of me if I buy a Paula Deen cookware set on Black Friday?
For Thanksgiving, I've decided that I'm going to shoot my own turkey. I just hope I don't freak everybody out in the grocery store
My therapist made a big deal out of me sitting in HER chair as I scribbled "territorial" in my notepad
I hid my feelings and I can't remember where I put them
Call me fowl mouthed if you want, but this chicken is delicious
Welcome to Pessimists Anonymous. Sorry there are no chairs, we weren't expecting anyone to show up
I’ll never forget where I was when I heard JFK had been shot—my 8th grade history class
In case you missed my talk about time travel, I'll be discussing it again last week and sometime in the 17th century
Deep down, I knew scuba diving wasn't for me
It's not procrastinating if I have no intention of doing it
I can't stand sitting down. I can only stand standing up
Order a drink at Starbucks, give your name as Waldo, then leave
They say counting sheep will put you to sleep, but 47 lambs just walked into my living room and I've never been wider awake
ATMs should replace the "Temporarily Out Of Service" message with "It's not you, it's me"
How apropos; Gotye is just a singer that we used to know
I'd be lying horribly if I said I wanted to demonstrate why I have such bad posture
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door
I flat-out love planking
I'm carbon neutral. I have no strong feelings about carbon one way or the other
She texted me: "Your adorable."
I replied: "No. YOU'RE adorable."
Now she likes me. All I did was point out her typo
I replied: "No. YOU'RE adorable."
Now she likes me. All I did was point out her typo
I wish I could illegally download better health-care insurance
That is in fact my cane, I stand corrected
I have OCD and ADD, so everything has to be perfect, but not for very long
I'll see your suspicious behavior, and raise you an eyebrow
Accidentally set my clock back too far and now the time on the VCR won't quit blinking
Am I all alone in the world, or is it just me?
Can't wait until I get a time machine so I can finally put the future behind me
I don't know why they're called smart phones. I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn't even try to get out
If you don’t see me on Halloween, it’ll be because I’ll be wearing my chameleon costume
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through
Bring fun to a hit-and-run confession by telling police “you’ll never guess who I bumped into last week!”
Thanks elevators for bringing me up when I was down
If you’re nervous about public speaking, DO NOT imagine the audience naked. A roomful of naked people staring at you would be terrifying
Don't criticize yourself so much. There are people out there who will do that for you
According to my imaginary friend's therapist, I don't exist
Positive attitude—may not solve all your problems, but annoys enough people to make it worth the effort
There is a thin line between a kidnapping and a kid-napping
Sometimes I wish I was smarter. But most of the time I just wish other people were
People say circumcision dosen't hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn't walk for nearly a year
The doorbell was the first push notification
These new motion-activated lights in my office are great. Saves money and makes my naps much more enjoyable
IQ is a stat of mind
I'm not doing anything for Halloween so I guess I'm going as The Government
It was nice being known as "Discoverer of the New World", but all Christopher Columbus ever wanted to be called was "conquistadorable." Happy Columbus Day everyone!
I'm in a serious relationship with my WiFi. We just have this connection
Why a man wants a wife is a mystery. Why he would want two wives is a bigamystery
The secret to success is not to tell anyone about it
My crush gifted me a globe. It meant the world to me
It's embarrassing to say I see a psychiatrist, so I call him my drug dealer
Just gave two slices of bread a two-minute makeover in the toaster and they've popped back up looking HOT
If I ever get to fire a baker, I'll wait until he's working with dough and then I'll say, "you won't be kneading this"
If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
I don't understand why we would attack Syria but continue to ignore those massive genocides in Africa. I'm sure oil figure it out eventually
Always remember that you are not worthless. Organs are extremely expensive on the black market
Considering the level of obesity in the U. S., a zombie apocalypse doesn't worry me. There are a LOT of people I can outrun
Monica Lewinsky was the big winner in the last government shutdown, if my memory is correct
It's not really a government shutdown until they hold a Going out of Business sale
Soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish
We live in a society where people have unprotected sex regularly, but these same people go through the trouble to get a case for their phone
Averages are mean
Teach yourself how to get upstairs in twelve easy steps
People who work at the Spam factory must have a really hard time sending emails
I'm too embarrassed to tell my calorie counting app what I ate for dinner last night
If I've learned one thing in my life then the education system here has really disappointed me
People who say fortune favours the brave have clearly never seen those YouTube clips of zookeepers being eaten by lions
You don't need a punchline when your whole life is a joke
"I have a great knock-knock joke, but you have to start it off"
The girl in the ice cream store just asked me if I wanna spoon
Triceps before you biceps
Whenever I see a broken elevator I stair
Everyone's fluent in sign language when they're angry enough
Sleep isn't cutting it for me anymore; I need something stronger
Kinda disappointed this book isn't a "how to" on killing mockingbirds
A doppelgänger walks into a bar and orders a double
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening
When the alarm goes off as you leave the grocery store, make sure you look around briefly before ignoring it and walking out
A good way to deal with a complex political problem is to bomb it and see what happens
All men are cremated equal
I wear a Life Alert bracelet. If I ever get a life, I want to be alerted
We avoid taking risks in life only to make it safely to death.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed doesn't spill the wineglass on the other side, you are probably an alcoholic
"I don't hit on 18 or over" - solid blackjack advice, questionable dating advice
Death is a life changing experience
Reading a book called Zero Gravity. Literally impossible to put down
If you worry that you aren't creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it
To beat inflation, simply go out and buy a lifetime's supply of everything
You can't have it all. Where would you put it?
I've started taking herbal remedies to treat my dangerously low gullibility levels
I should confront my shyness, but I never will. I hate confrontation
Coffee may not fix your problems, but it'll wake them up
Don’t hate those happy couples riding tandem bikes. They probably met in DUI class
You say I let time slip by. I say it was your turn to keep an eye on it
The best part of a job is taking an off
Got a new hat and I must say, it looks fedorable
I'm a vegetarian not because I love animals—I just really hate plants
If you're going to make me the third wheel on the sidewalk, at least let me stand in front so I can pretend I'm leading my army into battle
Has anyone created a trustworthy drug testing agency called Urine Credible?
We have arrived at a point where our economy is solely running upon a Starbucks on every corner, competing with itself for business
In 1,000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as a punishment
I’m not lazy, but I have considered moving to Alaska so I don’t have to scroll to select my state in a dropdown menu
Even if I could stop being crazy, I wouldn't. It's the only thing I'm good at
My anxiety about enjoying the last day of the weekend always ruins the last day of the weekend
It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green
The average person also swallows seven lizards and one bird in their sleep, but sure, let's hear about all the spiders again
A sign on the wall of the drug store read, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
I have a very nice body. I actually have several if you're interested
Pulled a hamstring today. Thankfully, it wasn’t mine
Thought I knew the way to a woman's heart, but I got lost outside the pericardium and now I'm too embarrassed to ask for directions
I know I'm out to get me. I came close a couple of times too. One of these days, I just may not be quick enough to get out of my way
My doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on here
"Will you miss me?" is a good way to bid farewell to a firing squad
Is it a coincidence that the word "diet" has "die" in it?
I can't be bothered to change the batteries in my TV remote so I'm just growing my fingernails really long
Turns out that I'm not so much a catch as I am a catch and release
Fish spend their whole life in school and never learn the most important rule: Don't be delicious
I never thought I'd get in trouble for preparing mutton with a lovely marinade, but I was absolutely lambasted
I'm so glad this website has three layers of security. I wouldn't want anyone to break in and pay off my student loans
Dane Cook When Dane Hungry
Dictatorship is when someone tells the people what to do. Democracy is when the people get to choose who tells them what to do
My goal is to learn just enough Spanish so I can occasionally pretend I don't speak English
My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation. We now sell smoothies
I have no bad habits—I'm good at them all
I'm probably the best at being humble
I will gladly pay you yesterday for the use of your time machine today
I spent a month building a time machine. There's 30 days of my life I'm going to get back
Nothing sounds quite as sarcastic as a parrot being interrogated
My password is so strong I think it might be taking steroids
My new book, How To Say No Without Upsetting People, has been very politely declined by publishers
Sorry I misunderstood when you asked me to put your cat down
Excess nose hair is my body's natural way of telling me to quit breathing
Happy National Ice Cream Day everyone!
Of course I'm going to buy the two-pack of deodorant. How many armpits do you have?
I just found a penny on the sidewalk and now I'm literally richer than the entire city of Detroit
Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over
I wonder if Batman checks the sky as much as I check my phone
Business idea: a home surgery kit called Suture Self
I’d love to raise a family someday but I don’t know levitation
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet. I get hungry
I can think of a few four-letter words to sum up this day, but my favorite is "wine"
My thesis on surgical procedures was marked down because the appendix was erroneously removed
My bucket list is now so long that death is not an option
I once lost my temper; when I found it, it was too late
Someone gave me a heart shaped stress ball and now I’m afraid if I don’t squeeze it every few seconds I’ll die
The Mexican space program is just a dark room with glow in the dark stars on the ceiling
Tossed and turned all night. I need to stop sleeping in the clothes dryer
Tried to drown my sorrows last night. Turns out, they can swim
No one sends mixed signals better than the person who replies “Who cares?” on a Facebook post
If you want to call a family meeting, just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room where it's located
Alcohol and fireworks—what could go wrong
Falling asleep during an interview is an excellent way to show that you're calm under pressure
If you don’t like the government spying on its citizens, apparently you should move to Russia
Drilling for natural gas is fracking awesome
It’s a little known fact that George Washington’s head on the U.S. quarter is actual size
I dated a midget once; I was nuts over her
If you've seen one drunk girl in heels you've seen them fall
I was really hoping the Supreme Court would strike down marriage entirely
When arguing with an idiot, make the other person isn't doing the same thing
Dropped out of skydiving school
Garage sales are a good place to find stuff to sell at your next garage sale
Sometimes, I feel as useful as a paramedic at the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Paula Deen may have lost her job at Food Network, but she just signed on for the next Tarantino movie
Bad credit? No credit? No problem! We just won't loan you anything
Sorry but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin
It's only 3,300 minutes until Monday; just in case you were getting excited about the weekend
I didn't have change for the homeless guy, so I gave him my friend's Netflix login
My biggest fear is dropping my phone in the toilet and not being able to take a picture of it
A friend of mine had surgery to get part of her colon removed. Now she has a semi-colon
No one had to show me how to be tightly wound; I'm self-taut
Just sending Father's Day cards to the 50 richest men in the world. Has to work one year
You kiss your mother with that mouth? —Oedipus
"Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"
*Hitler rubs chin* "So mine less"
[Grammar Nazi busts in] "MINE FEWER"
[Hitler looks up] Yes?
*Hitler rubs chin* "So mine less"
[Grammar Nazi busts in] "MINE FEWER"
[Hitler looks up] Yes?
Life is a gift. You never get the one you really wanted
I love how Batman has all these high tech gadgets, but for the Bat Signal they're like "How 'bout a super big flashlight?"
If I opened a car repair shop, I would call it Auto Correct
Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious
When I die, I'm leaving all my debts to charity
It’s considered poor etiquette to ask a blind person if they’re currently seeing anyone
iveOS7
When pigs fly, we’ll finally have delicious pork wings
Too bad André the Giant never got around to opening a Vietnamese restaurant called “Phee Phi Pho Phum”
Candy crush sounds like the name of an overweight stripper
"No, YOU hang up first" —The NSA
“We will continue fighting aggressively to keep your information safe and secure.”—Mark Zuckerberg
I don't think I could post anything that would top the hilariousness of that statement.
I don't think I could post anything that would top the hilariousness of that statement.
Happy National Doughnut Day everyone!
I aspire to inspire before I expire
Carpenters are only in it for them-shelves
These Goldfish crackers don't even taste like real goldfish
Teach pickpockets a lesson by keeping your bag and pockets full of mousetraps at all times
If each day is a gift, I'd love to know where I can return Mondays
When people say "needless to say", it's needless to say that needless stuff will soon be said
I don't expect to have everything handed to me. Just set it down wherever
Smart cars are not only economical, they're also dishwasher safe
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time
Did y'all see that documentary on Discovery about how an airplane's fuselage is held together? It's riveting
He said, "Your obsession with cats is out of control. I can't handle it anymore."
She cried, "You're kicking meeeowt?"
She cried, "You're kicking meeeowt?"
Dogs can't see inside your mind, but catscan
If you're reading this right now, have a great day
No one really chooses to live in a sewer. It's something you just kind of fall into
Before realizing my phone can't display emojis, I thought my mom was always asking me, "I love you?"
The administration might want to come up with a better term than "crack down" when talking about sexual assaults in the military
Be the life and soul of the party by drinking alone in a cemetery
Don't think of yourself as "single". Think of yourself as "independently owned and operated"
Sometimes I wrap myself in bows and call myself gifted
Sometimes I put a little cape on my laptop so it turns it into a supercomputer
Every time I let my phone run out of battery, I remember why I'm no longer allowed to have pets
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean that all parachutes are perfect
Hyperbole is easily the best word ever
I hate wet grass in the morning...with all dew respect
It's always nice when someone asks if they can spoon you...unless they're a cannibal
Towels are the leading cause of dry skin
You can be anything you want to be as long as you are delusional
I'd like to thank my mom for being there and helping me out of some real tight spots over the years—starting with the day I was born
I hope to get over my pessimism one day, but I doubt it
The best thing about going to a Brazalian restaurant is you know there'll be no hair in your food
You'll never believe what my imaginary friend just did!
Mirror inspector is a job that I could really see myself doing
I'm the Taylor Swift of going through jars of Nutella
Do I care about the Kentucky Derby? Neigh
Made a list of things to worry about, and my biggest fear is that I left something off
May the 4th be with you
When I was a kid, I used to do this magic act where I'd pull a cloth up over my head and then vanish. I was just going through a stage
Car alarms should sound like two chicks having a fight. I would look out the window for that
Based on my calculations, I should be able to retire about five years after I die
Traffic jam tastes horrible
I once thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken
Cop: you were driving while intoxicated
Me: I was in no condition to walk
Me: I was in no condition to walk
I was on a date with this really cute lady. We had dinner and saw a movie. We accidentally bumped knees. Then the plane landed
Is six degrees of separation realistic? Asking for a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend
I try not to make snap judgements, but you’re not applying enough pressure between your middle finger and thumb
If you're going to burn our flag, wrap yourself in it first
I could describe myself as a nihilist, but what's the point?
I walked around Home Depot for an hour because I refused to ask a guy where I can get a "stud finder"
Are nouns still a thing? Or just a person or place?
I think I give great relationship advice, assuming you want to be single soon
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
Pessimism tells us that everything is terrible and can't get any worse; optimism tells us that it can
Whoever stole my shoes while I was in that bouncy castle needs to grow up
Have you ever asked yourself if you have a split personality?
I don't understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm there
"We need to talk" is a good thing to say if you're about to break up with a mime
Some people are so poor that all they have is money
Slept like a baby last night. I cried for four hours, then crapped my pants
I ordered a self help tape called "How to handle disappointment" When the package came, the box was empty!
In 1947, a coroner zips the body bag of Al Capone and unknowingly becomes one of the first legit gangster wrappers
I know that I'm a total catch, but so is herpes
It's amazing how much you can't accomplish when you do nothing
Saying "the sky's the limit" is a terrible way to motivate young astronauts
If I had $20 for every Macklemore song that I know, I'd only have $20 in my pocket
I once had a handle on life, but it broke
I can count the amount of road rage I have on one middle finger
So, I assume the meet-up in North Korea is off
In my next life I want to be the person I aspired to be in this one
People who say I'm going to die alone make me think they're planning on taking others with them
One guy made sure that no parent could name their son Adolf. How's that for a trademark
Now that I’m older, my memory is a mighty fortress. Nothing penetrates it
I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of "Saving Private Ryan"
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, "use your best judgment," which they clearly don't have if they are asking for my advice
My friend asked me to lend him some protein, but I told him no whey
My ex told me that I'd never find a girl like her again. God, I hope that's true
I'm not saying I am Batman. I am just saying that no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober
When I die I want to be cremated. On the day before I will eat a pound of raw popcorn kernels. My relatives will not be sad
My athletic body is a result of running from my problems
I showed my therapist some of these posts and now she's seeing a therapist
If time is money, then ATMs are technically time machines
It's called apathy, people. Look it up or whatever, I don't care
The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it
I can't believe Lance Armstrong and I are tied in Tour de France winnings!
Changes are ahead, don't be taken aback. I'll keep you abreast once I figure out what is afoot
They say that having too many cold cuts causes cancer, but I think that's just a bunch of bologna
You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary
Beware of half truths. You may get the wrong half
A shepherd once told me to count his 37 sheep and then round them up. So I told him there were 40
Most women want someone who makes them laugh and feel safe. Basically a clown ninja
Due to the Daylight Saving exchange rate, Canadians lost one hour and two minutes last night
Next time you're sitting at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven’t picked one out yet"
The only job of a philanthropist is to make sure everyone knows they are one
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken
The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?
What those Red Bull ads don't say is that it gives you tiny vestigial wings, useless for human flight. And they don't even mention the beak
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You're assuming I've been there before
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year's resolutions
I don't understand why all this horse meat is showing up everywhere when cows are so much easier to catch
A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.
As the plane begins to accelerate, the passengers see the end of the runway rapidly approaching, with certain doom awaiting at the end if the pilots really can't see what they're doing. Just before the end of the runway, all the passengers scream together--right before the plane lifts off. They're a little upset, but relieved that the pilots aren't really blind.
In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and remarked: "you know, Lou, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and then we'll be in real trouble!"
As the plane begins to accelerate, the passengers see the end of the runway rapidly approaching, with certain doom awaiting at the end if the pilots really can't see what they're doing. Just before the end of the runway, all the passengers scream together--right before the plane lifts off. They're a little upset, but relieved that the pilots aren't really blind.
In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and remarked: "you know, Lou, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and then we'll be in real trouble!"
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
No, officer, I didn't know my taillight was out—because I'm not driving behind myself
But of course, let's outlaw guns and they'll go away. That's how we got everyone off drugs
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am
Pocket watches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones, which we keep in our pockets
"You know what floats my boat? Buoyancy."
Surprisingly, the one thing I almost never use paper clips for, is holding paper together
If I ever do another eulogy for a guy whose parachute didn't open, I'll probably leave out the "he left a huge impression on this Earth" part
Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?"—especially when you're wearing a Batman costume
Getting a job repairing revolving doors was a real turning point in my life
Having heard about deer antler spray, I now know how reindeer fly
I decided to kick myself into gear this morning. I settled on "Park"
If my phone ever gets stolen, one of my biggest worries will be that the thief is reading my draft status updates
I'm giving up my hopes and dreams for Lent
At least you didn't go on a crappy V-day cruise
Nothing says romance (and obesity) more than finishing all the Valentine candy I bought for myself
I gave someone special a pint of blood for Valentine's Day. It came from the heart
I'm worried sick with all the unrest in Africa. I hope my Nigerian princes are safe and are still getting the checks I've been sending
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "ing"—Idiots
Of course the addicts would point out that I misspelled "Percocet"
Just saw a set of parents with two kids on a leash. I asked if they were friendly before trying to pet them
When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches"
I just realized my entire life is loosely based on a true story
Apparently, California has the highest rate of adultery and depression. It's a sad State of affairs
A bunch of internet weirdos voted the new Monopoly piece to be a cat. Well, there's a surprise
At the end of the day, it's 11:59 PM
Does my politeness offend you? Well, I'm very sorry about that
"Release the crackin'!"—my joints when I get out of bed in the morning
This halftime is better than the Beyonce one
The woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised
People worry about silly things like money. I only worry about life threatening things, like what would happen if sharks learn to fly
I'm taking a karate class online. So far I have broken two computer screens
If anyone tried to steal my identity I would just think "now it's their problem"
The condensed history of a divorce:
I do.
Ado.
Adieu.
I do.
Ado.
Adieu.
My friend has got an excellent nose for wine. It's shaped like a corkscrew
If my neighbors came by uninvited in real life as much as they do in sitcoms, I'd move
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes
A toast! To bread!
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present: they are due back at the library today
Ask your doctor if inviting a bunch of clowns into your bedroom to stare at you while you sleep is right for you
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand
The new status update prompts on here are starting to get creepy. This morning mine said, "Are you really going to wear that shirt, Tim?"
I had to stop dating my cross-eyed girlfriend. She kept seeing someone else
Allow me to play doubles advocate here for a moment. For all intensive purposes I think you are wrong. In an age where false morals are a diamond dozen, true virtues are a blessing in the skies. We often put our false morality on a petal stool like a bunch of pre-Madonnas, but you all seem to be taking something very valuable for granite. So I ask of you to mustard up all the strength you can because it is a doggy dog world out there
I'm not much of a hunter-gatherer. I'm more of a sitter-watcherer
Pack-a-day smokers make enough ash to fill a small bowl. Of course, they don’t all get cremated
Manti Te'o, Oprah would like to talk to you for a minute
In my defense, the sign in the laundromat said, "When the buzzer sounds, please remove your clothes"
Happy new year guys. All the best this year
New years resolution: Be more gooder at grammer and speling
They say you should test your fire alarm once a month. I try but it's costing me a fortune in houses
I became a parent recently when I adopted a highway. Now I'm trying to teach it to pick up after itself
I'm trying the new gin diet. I've lost 4 days this week
What's my Christmas present?
You see that yellow Ferrari over there?
YES?!
Well I got you a notebook in the same color.
You see that yellow Ferrari over there?
YES?!
Well I got you a notebook in the same color.
On a postcard that I received this morning, "Weather here, wish you were great"
If you received any gifts from IKEA that require assembly that person probably hates you
I slept late this morning; did Santa see his shadow?
I lost an electron today. I really gotta start keeping an ion them
I feel like we are drifting apart. Maybe it's time we sea otter people
I'm working out right now. I'm exercising my eyebrow muscles by raising them high. Try it; you'll be surprised!
Apparently Mayan calendars are selling like there's no tomorrow
I think a little moderation is fine if you don't overdo it
Bank of England Governor: "Things may be bad but they're better than next year."
If you are trying to insult me, you are going to have to use smaller words
Karl Marx's grave is just another communist plot
I hate when you look in your closet for clothes and find Narnia instead
I may say some awful things at times, but jokes about tragedies are not funny.
If the Mayans were wrong, it wouldn't be the end of the world
I was thinking about becoming a dermatologist but I don't want to make any rash decisions
I have fond memories of my one night stand; it was made out of oak
If you want to find out who's been avoiding paying their fair share of the taxes, just go to Google and...it's them
I have a very rare condition called acrovaultophobia; a fear of hurdles. You don't get over that
You had me at unibrow
I accidentally went to a party once w/out my phone so to avoid human interaction I pretended to look for something in a couch for 3 hours
The number of really good looking chivalrous guys is fine knight
Feeling super ambitious today. I may take a shower at some point
Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love
Feeling sad again. Maybe if my TV were a little bigger things might finally turn around for me
Sometimes I will text while driving, but I'll always stop to text when I'm pushing a shopping cart
Losing weight means you'll look good in clothes. Exercising means you'll look good naked.
Just saw a bottle of Smart Water was $2. I drank from a fountain like an idiot
I don't need to buy a lottery ticket to remind myself that I'm a loser
Don't break anyone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones, they have 206
When it comes to pooping, I have a can doodoo attitude
I lock the bathroom door for your benefit, not mine
When wearing the Batsuit, the only thing Batman fears is diarrhea
I'm never more focused than when the toilet paper is down to the last couple of revolutions
No more deep-fried Twinkies at the fair?! Now how am I supposed to kill myself
It's cool how my driver's seat reclines ridiculously far back like it knows I'll be homeless and sleeping in my car someday
Black Friday: because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have
I'm having a small, quiet family dinner for Thanksgiving. Small, quiet families are easier to eat than large loud ones
If you had a penny for every smartphone you've dropped in the toilet, you'd probably drop the pennies in the toilet too
I feel pretty confident that whoever steals my idenity will inevitably improve my credit score
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking
The person you are in love with is 75% water
The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money
Need some quick advice. Do I want my receipt in the bag?
My free-range chicken sandwich just got up and walked away
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments
Apparently when the waitress asks "How is everything?", she's not really asking about everything; just the food
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water
Everyone has a talent. Mine is the ability to convince people I have a talent
My life has a great cast, but I can't figure out the plot
I know it's going to be a bad day when I jump out of bed and miss the floor
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived
If anyone is now moving to Canada, please get in touch. I may want to buy your house
That awkward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you
I can't help but think that if bin Laden were alive today, he'd be gasping for breath at the bottom of the ocean
I'm all for gaining an hour on the weekend, but why can't we lose the hour at 3 PM on a Monday?
My superpower is being able to stop even the most basic piece of technology from working
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people
It smells like someone is cooking breakfast in my house. Not sure if I should call the cops now or wait until after I eat
The best way to avoid a cold is washing your hands and never having children
My definition of the perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from visiting
Trying to make a couple of quick bucks cost me my job when the other scientists caught me injecting the laboratory rabbits with steroids
"Nobody’s life ever really falls apart, exactly. Lives unravel, thread by thread."
—Alex Payne
—Alex Payne
The Mayans were right; I just peeked ahead and my calendar ends after December!
I wish there was a rollover plan for childhood naps I refused to take
Celebrate Amelia Earhart day. Get lost
The moon is full of mysterious landscapes and craters. On the bright side, you can see them.
Diary of a Newborn:
Day 1, Still tired from the move.
Day 2, Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot
Day 1, Still tired from the move.
Day 2, Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot
One of these days I might find a Chinese abacus for sale at a reasonable price, but I'm not counting on it
Marriage should be defined as being between a man and a binder
When the doctor told me that he'd messed up my operation, my heart was in my mouth
I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses; especially if they're empty
It's hard for a woman to find a sensitive, caring and good looking man because those men already have boyfriends
Thanks to Halloween, the cobwebs in my house have just become decorations
I'm so glad I don't have to hunt for my food; I don't even know where sandwiches live
My phone wastes 5% of its battery life to repeatedly warn me it's running low
The worst thing about having more money than sense is probably the fact I don't have very much money
I've been told I lack direction. Down is a direction
People who sleep in socks must be very very small
It doesn't take much to make a woman happy. However, it takes even less to make her angry
I don’t want everything. Most of it has to be fed, fixed or cleaned
My bed is this magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do
We had a team building competition at work—and I won
I would die if my doctor told me I only had two weeks to live
Went to church this morning. The crackers and juice were ok but the holy water tasted like dirty fingers
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body
The worst part about sharing a name with someone famous is I'm always telling people, no, I'm not THAT Batman
If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party
It's odd how all the 'intelligent life detection devices' are pointed away from earth
If I can be of any help to you, then you're in worse trouble than you think
Going to the gym now. I haven't told anyone yet because I wanted you guys to be the first to know
No one's ever been too fat to fit through the door of a supermarket. Intelligent design
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing
The GPS said that I have to get ready to turn left in one mile and I'm not even close to being prepared
I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should cause car accidents more often
Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn't even listening to you
There are two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors
Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless you're overweight
Alzheimer's: new friends every day
I don't just have issues. I have a subscription
I got into skinny jeans for a little while but I just couldn't pull them off
Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often
Gandhi for Capitalists: Be the chains you wish to see in the world
If I were stranded on a dessert island and could only take one thing, I'd pick a spoon
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you're supposed to be doing something else
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every tenth caller was a winner
"Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills
You're always welcome in the "Show Me" state because Missouri loves company
If you own a genuine fur coat, you do realize that the first owner died in it?
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephants
Funny...I don't remember being absent-minded
Oedipus, call your mother
The only reason to do good stuff is so you can tell people about it
LSU 38
Washington 14
Washington 14
My doctor says he thinks I'm having a mid-life crisis. I was so surprised I nearly fell off my skateboard
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business
One in three Americans weighs as much as the other two
If Mozart were around today he'd be decomposing
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them and psychiatrists charge the rent
My friend used to be a regular customer at McDonalds. These days, he's more of a large
For those waiting for me to go out of my mind: it may take longer. The exits are not clearly marked
Be yourself. Unless you're me
LSU 28
N. Texas 7
N. Texas 7
I can't wait until the day comes that hipsters become so obscure that you've probably never heard of them
Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago
Today is the tomorrow you were dreading yesterday
The cashier told me "strip down, facing me." How was I to know she meant my credit card?
Todd Akin decides to stay in Senate race. Women soon to show him they have ways to shut that whole thing down
I really wasn't planning on going for a run today but those cops came out of nowhere
Foreign Aid: Poor people in a rich country sending money to rich people in a poor country
Sometimes autocorrect can be your worst enema
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk
A mime will never give you bad advice
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke
If I have 5 bananas in one hand and 10 oranges in the other...why wasn't I given a bag?
Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it's complicated
I like writing my eights on their sides. It's infinitely better
If I ever get arrested and I'm allowed one phone call, then I'm calling a locksmith
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice!
I think all car alarms should be replaced with a recording of a boy's voice crying "Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!" over and over
I may not be the only egomaniac in the world, but I am the only one who matters
The imaginary enemy of my enemy is my imaginary friend
A lie is a very poor substitute for the truth, but it's the only one discovered so far
It would be more fun to watch out of shape people compete in these events
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you're not in shape, it's too far to walk back
A gymnast walks into a bar. He gets a two-point deduction and ruins his chances of a medal.
I think my gene pool may have been one of those above-ground ones.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference
The only exercise I get is chasing after the ice cream truck.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures
I almost forgot to update my status to say that I'd been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been
I'd be much happier about my test results coming back negative if it hadn't been a personality test
The inventor of the treadmill has passed away. Poor guy never really went anywhere
I'll never be an Olympic athlete but I did participate in a Toyotathon once
The N Korea/S Korea debacle yesterday wasn't a great start to things. But they got the Swiss flag right, which is a big plus
I can't wait for tonight. A bunch of my friends are coming over to play on their phones
I ran into my old English teacher. He said, "Goode to see ye!"
Forgetful? Can't remember where you put things? There's an app for that...somewhere
First rule of Procrastination Club: I'll tell you later
My local grocery store uses four checkouts. Unless it's really busy, then they use one.
I don't know what "gluten free" means but I'm adding it to my résumé
I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous
I always mean what I say.
It's just that I don't always mean to say it out loud.
It's just that I don't always mean to say it out loud.
If you're looking for someone to disappoint you, I won't disappoint you
If you suck at playing the trumpet, that's probably why
I had so much coffee I made it to work in under 4 minutes but I forgot to bring my car
The days of good grammar has went
Happy National Ice Cream Day everyone!
IHOP waitresses give me the crepes
Just saw a coffin that was to die for
I've started group meetings at my house for people with OCD. I don't have it but I'm hoping one of them will be bothered enough to clean it
I can still remember the days before the Internet when I had to mail my search terms to Google and wait 6-8 weeks for the results
Just got a laser jet. Disappointed to say the least
If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will forget their original question
It's nice that humans have the ability to recharge wirelessly
After a holiday, the only thing that makes me glad to see the people I work with is having just seen the people I'm related to
Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it
Don't play dumb with me. That's not a game you can win.
My horoscope started with "are you sitting down?"
If you notice a person is deceiving you, they must not be deceiving you very well
If dentists make their money from looking after our unhealthy teeth then why would I trust a toothpaste 4/5 of them recommend?
Illuminated exit signs are on the way out
I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses
Ask me about my narcissism
One day in the scary movie when the victim yells "Hello?", I want to see the killer shout out "Hey! I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
The last time someone wanted me for my body I was filling out an organ donor card
Be kind to nurses. They choose your needle and catheter sizes
The Karma cafe has no menus. You get served what you deserve
I hate it when someone forgets to cover their mouth when they sneeze, and they spray it right atchoo
Having the body of a man half your age impresses no one when you're 28
If Einstein hadn't come up with the Theory of Relativity, someone else would have. It was only a matter of time
I've got this amazing idea that I don't really understand and have no idea how to explain
I lied about making $4,000 a month from home, and so can you!
It does not surprise me that those people abducted by aliens all get brought back
If people were meant to pop out of bed first thing in the morning, we'd all sleep in toasters
Optimism: Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Pessimism: Where there’s a will, someone died
I was just about to hug someone extremely attractive and I walked right into the mirror
I bet tightrope walkers have no trouble passing police sobriety tests
The 21st century: when deleting history is more important than making it
I've got 99 problems, and my obsessive need to keep count of them is one
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
People who have more birthdays live longer
Quotable: "Exploring the world must have been so different back when the world was flat"
I used to wonder what it was like to read people's minds. But now that I have a Facebook account I'm over it
I'm not very influential. Last time I pulled some strings my sweater unraveled
They finally invented a computer as smart as a person. When it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
I hope actress Jessica Biel names her first born child Batmo.
I just made my hamster a strong coffee. I don't want him falling asleep at the wheel
The first thing they should teach solicitors in soliciting school is what the words "no" and "soliciting" mean.
Hallmark should make a card for occasions when you want to say "I told you so!"
Hitch-hikers are really friendly. I've gone past three in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up.
Why does "Messages" on OS X have to suck so badly?
I'd retire nicely if I could sell my experience for what it cost me
I missed Nat'l Doughnut Day this year. Sorry everyone
Went to the shop the other day to buy 6 cans of Sprite. Only when I got home did I realise I'd picked 7up
Nanotechnology is gonna be huge.
I was asked to donate to the Ronald McDonald House. How big of a house does that clown need?
I can always count on you to be totally unreliable
I gave up Karate years ago. I'm still kicking myself.
Not knowing the difference between patronizing and condescending is nothing to worry your silly little self about.
Watching the sunset over the Pacific
Strangers are just friends that haven't asked you to help them move yet.
The people who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it
I'm paranoid AND needy. I think people are talking about me, just not as often as I'd like
Just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. I ended up smashing the mirror with the salt shaker.
I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It's called "Bitches & Hoes".
Kelly Blue Book says the easiest way to triple the value of your car is to fill it with gas.
This new sundial I bought is useless. It doesn't say whether its AM or PM
The worst thing about having ADD and OCD is that I forget to wash my hands 50 times a day
I would have gone to Clooney's fundraiser for Obama, but I spent my last $40,000 on gas
Hanging is the leading cause of death for stick figure people
Off to my appointment with the optometrist. I know there's a joke in here somewhere but I can't see it.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog hasn't been house trained.
If you were on a deserted island and you could only bring one item, how come people never say "a boat"
It's sad that most people won't express their opinion on the internet if it involves more than one mouse click. Like this post if you agree.
If you're worried that your kids aren't loud enough, you can always put them in a swimming pool.
Everyone seems to have a problem with me texting and driving; especially the people on this sidewalk
For a lion to be a cannibal, he must first swallow his pride.
Why limit happy to just an hour?
This year, I used deductive reasoning to prepare my taxes. If I could find a reason, I deducted it.
It takes 50 muscles to frown. Good workout.
Eskimos eat whale meat and blubber; I'd blubber too if I had to eat whale meat
I'm a very persuasive person; I can convince myself of anything.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up?
Just sold a lawn mower on Craigslist. That'll be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday
People say I over-analyse things. But how so? And what things? Who are these people?
There's only so much I can do for Earth Day, but at the very least, I'll turn off my Christmas lights for a few minutes
I thought about joining The Skeptics Society, but I have serious doubts about their dedication.
I think cow tipping is probably the most aggressive form of lactose intolerance
"Quit while you're ahead" has to be the worst racing advice I've ever heard
Sure, I have my little hang-ups just like everybody else—usually with telemarketers
Fast food restaurants probably shouldn't have a value meal called the "number 2."
I've been up all night interrogating an egg. I think he's about to crack
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken
2011 tax returns are due tomorrow. According to the IRS, you have what it takes
The waiter said, "Your table will be ready shortly." This is the last time I'll be coming to Ikea's restaurant.
Let's grow old together. You go first.
Facebook buys Instagram for $1 billion. Idiots, they could have downloaded it for free.
Their plan for a paperless office looked good, on paper
If your profile picture is a car, then I have no choice but to assume you're a transformer
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I'm living the dream; I sleep all the time
I really need to stop talking to my cat. Right meow.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
I wish I could remember that joke I heard about Alzheimer's
Hey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band.
The worst thing about practical jokes on April Fool's Day is that most of them are running for office.
To celebrate April Fool's Day, Fox News is running a story based on actual facts.
Mary Rose sat on a pin. Mary rose.
You should know you'll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, "Alcohol by volume."
Once you start making Freudian slips, it's just one after a mother
This Coke machine just asked me if Pepsi was okay
Is it true that people with type O blood make more mistakes when they type?
People should stop having kids at 35, because that's a lot of kids
Hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime boarding school every year, never to be heard from again
The doctor told me I suffer from insomnia. I lay awake all night worrying about it.
I used to own a party balloon company but I couldn't keep up with the high cost of inflation.
It appears my window of opportunity has been painted shut
Somewhere, a smart Laser eye surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus
She makes Freudian slips all the time, but who am I to jugs?
No one makes a bigger deal about driving to work than firetrucks.
Looking up "obsolescence" in the Encyclopedia Britannica.
When I was 17 I thought my parents were the stupidest people in the world. At 21 I was amazed at how much they had learned in 4 years.
I'm an aspiring lottery winner.
My muscle tone needs autotune.
There was a big fire at work today. It was okay though; I opened the fire escape and it left.
If I were half man-half horse I would try to be the Centaur of attention.
The "check engine" light came on, so I did. Yep, it's still there.
"How come you're so lucky at cards yet so unlucky at the horses?"
"I don't get to shuffle the horses."
"I don't get to shuffle the horses."
Lost an hour. Bet it's somewhere with my keys.
My paranoid iTunes iDevice synchronization process:
1. Backup
2. Sync
3. Backup
4. Transfer Purchases
5. Backup
1. Backup
2. Sync
3. Backup
4. Transfer Purchases
5. Backup
Delusions are simply the ability to remember things exactly as they never happened.
Tablet computers are hard to swallow.
Actions speak louder than words, but talk is cheap and you have to consider that in this economy.
Remember, there are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for you.
Push and Pull.
Push and Pull.
I was playing my air guitar and accidentally woke up a mime.
Just read a statistic on the most common way people walk when drunk. It's staggering.
I start everyday with a sit-up. I've done nearly 10,000 so far.
Sorry for party rockin'
My friend was a pro at Russian Roulette—he only lost once.
The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.
Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
I thoroughly enjoy when telemarketer phone systems leave voicemail on my Google voice number, which also uses an automated phone system. We've invested years into getting these systems right, including improving speech-to-text (and vice-versa) technology, and we've devolved into this?! The machines are communicating! Progress, right?
We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.
Why do dogs always think the knock at the door is for them?
Age is a matter of mind and if you don’t mind, it don’t matter
Got a letter from the IRS. They say they can't survive on my income and I need to get another job.
The glass is always cleaner on the other side.
Quotable: "I think abortion is wrong and should be illegal, but I want to be able to have one if I get pregnant"
Now that the government covers the cost of contraceptives, I wonder if they'll foot the bill for dinner and a movie too.
Immortality jokes never get old.
"I'm having trouble finding myself." - Waldo in therapy
The best part of a hostess's job is when she gets to ask a Native American customer if he has a reservation.
Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. I regretted it literally one minute later.
I stop the microwave at 0:01 to feel like I'm a bomb defuser.
Before I lose my temper I always count to zen.
When I had laryngitis, I was a hoarse whisperer.
Wanted to be a farmer at one time, but it turned out to be the wrong field for me.
My chiropractor said I needed a posture alignment but I think she was just pulling my leg.
Looks like my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working either.
Buying someone special a matching belt and bag for Valentines Day. She'll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
I'm a little worried about my new tax software. It just recommended I slip across the border into Mexico.
The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I'm nicknamed Spider. It sounds tough, but it's really because I'm more scared of you than you are of me.
Someday, the machines will rise up and shrink all of our favorite shirts.
Time for bed. My sleep number is up.
Quotable: "'How big is the medium pizza?' '8 slices' 'Can you cut it into 4? I can't eat 8.'"
My doctor said I need to quit my helium addiction before I get carried away.
I've recently stopped using products that are tested on animals. My dog hasn't had a meal in 2 days.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes it makes you sick.
Go Giants!
To me, a Super Bowl is one that's full of snacks I don't have to share.
I keep a well-stocked pantry in case friends drop by. I could hide in there for days.
Quotable: "Was the 95 theses before or after the 'I have a dream' speech?"
You'll spend a lot less time wondering what people think of you once you realize that they don't.
You don't need training to be a garbage collector. You just pick it up as you go along.
The U.S. recalls one million packets of defective birth control pills. So, welcome class of 2030!
I wish my cat would stop thinking outside the box.
Whenever I'm on Amazon, I always get the shopping cart with one bad wheel.
I don't have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. So whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree.
Cats make great pets. Of their owners.
I just want a president who will look good telling us a meteor is about to crash into Earth.
Some things are best kept between you and the neighbors. Like a fence, for example.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
"I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in." --Mitt Romney
Ulcers are caused not so much by what we eat as by what's eating us.
Butterflies are not what they used to be.
These CBS announcers are funny. Referring to Brady stretching out his arms to get the <0.5 yd touchdown on the 4th down, "you wouldn't want to do that at midfield."
Let's see how smug Opportunity will be when he finally knocks at Death's door.
Beware when taking a magician's exam; the test is loaded with trick questions.
I hope my New Year's Resolution to only say nice things about people isn't misinterpreted as a vow of silence.
I realize it's the 100th Anniversary of the Titanic, but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?
http://stopsoap.com/
Google could never completely black out their site. Some people would never find their browser's address bar.
Prison guard is a pretty good job. Who's going to steal a prison.
The weight gainer by itself isn't enough. I need to go fully back on the creatine as well :-/
Under these broad definitions [SOPA: Domestic/Foreign Internet Site, PIPA: Non-domestic domain name], domestically hosted sites such as 'redd.it' and 'bit.ly' can be defined as foreign internet sites. On the other side of the coin, foreign hosted sites such as wikileaks.org and thepiratebay.org can be defined as 'domestic', since their domain names are registered through authorities located in the U.S.
Thanks Leif for posting this first: http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DMo9zOcV44Q8&h;=lAQFyHSO_AQERzm3KvKowuqSJBmrOwIyOHCickfn4b5oN5g
Facebook really sold out putting featured products/services in the news feed. Zuck didn't realize how right he was when he said, "Facebook is the new MySpace."
This chick just told me she wants to have my children....She is going to be soooo surprised when I bring her my 3 year old.
My life coach told me I'd have to get one before he could coach me on it.
How do you fit an elephant into a Subway bag?
You take the "s" out of "sub" and the "f" out of "way"
You take the "s" out of "sub" and the "f" out of "way"
My friends bet me a hundred bucks I wouldn't take three Viagra tabs at once. I thought, ''How hard can it be?''
I'm trying to find myself. But to make it interesting, I'm wearing camouflage.
Ever decide to run a red light and the guy in front of you chickens out?
As crushing as it is to have watched that disappointing and utterly embarrassing game, I still feel better than all the LSU fans who paid to see it in person.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class!
If it weren't for the GPS on my phone, I don't know where I'd be today.
Siri's response to the question "Where can I hide a body?" is "What kind of place are you looking for?" followed by a list of suggestions.
If you’re celebrating at a New Year’s Eve party, try not to get carried away. In fact, try to leave without any help at all.
My New Year's resolution is 1920×1200
I get in trouble because there are only two kinds of secrets: those that aren't worth keeping and those that are too good to keep.
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I'm not positive I am thinking.
I finally found a silica gel packet that doesn't say "do not eat." This stuff is delicious!
Why doesn't Santa visit naughty kids anymore? Have you seen the price of coal?
Right before I die, I'm gonna to say to whoever is next to me, "I left a million dollars in the..."
Everytime I hear of someone that was attacked by a shark, I think "didn't they hear the music?"
I'm going to take a hot shower. It's a normal shower, but with me in it.
The captain and I are not seeing aye to aye.
I pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.
Yesterday, me and my new lady friend went on our first date to the skating rink, but we were kicked out. We had started to break the ice.
An avalanche happens when all hill breaks loose.
When I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they’re panicked over who’s getting cut from the team.
A pessimist is merely someone who recognises that every silver lining is attached to a cloud.
My Christmas tree was too big for the car so I had to cut the top off. It wasn't so bad. I always wanted a convertible anyway.
My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home and forgetting things.
The sale of horse meat for consumption is now legal again in America and it’s a game changer for little girls who want a birthday pony.
I walked past a shop that was selling microscopes. So I went in for a closer look.
If I lunged out of bed to turn off the alarm clock, does that count as a workout?
Support the U.S. economy, buy American politicians.
"I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day."
-Craig Sharf
-Craig Sharf
I don't know what my credit score is but I'm pretty sure I'm losing.
My accountant recently came up with so many tax deductions, I had enough left over for bail.
My upstairs neighbour made a groundbreaking discovery last night. He can't fly.
Happy Thanksgiving!
"LDU stands for LDraw Unit - the basic unit of measurement in LDraw, the open standard for LEGO CAD programs…"
I'm no turkey, but I still don't know how I'm going to survive this Thanksgiving either.
I've just heard that yesterday one of the seven dwarves kissed a giraffe. According to various sources, the other six put him up to it.
Never take the first flight out, nor the last flight in. Lesson learned, on both counts.
So I put my phone on "Airplane Mode" and threw my phone up in the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.
A cocaine dealer puts his business in other people's noses.
Made it to NY. Hanging out with Jeff and Molly :)
Just switched my flights from one delayed flight to another delayed flight. Sigh
I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs. We haven't had a single customer.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
Ever since I misplaced my dictionary, I've been at a loss for words.
Of course I can keep a secret. It's the people I tell it to who can't.
I'm sorry, Siri, but if I wanted my phone to talk to me I would answer my calls.
Exactly what object needed cutting so urgently that people were running with scissors in the first place?
Special thanks today to my brother, Jeff, and to all those serving our country. To some, this is just another day, but there are others of us out there that appreciate your service. Thank you.
As it turns out, people are bad for the environment.
"[S]hould restrainingOrder be an edge or a node in [the social graph]?" -Maciej Ceglowski
I never change the clock in my car. Six months of the year, I'm an hour late. The other six I'm two hours late.
LG now has refrigerators with wi-fi...like my deli ham needs to be watching YouTube videos all day.
The end of daylight saving time was this morning. It's saving, not savings. There is no daylight savings account, and you sure as hell don't collect daylight interest, whatever that would be.
LSU 24
Alabama 20
Alabama 20
One of my family members has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's; if only I could remember which one.
Some people are motivated by carrots, others by sticks. But nobody is motivated by carrot sticks.
I used to work as a trapeze artist. Until I was let go.
I never worry about money. What's the sense of worrying about something you don't have?
It's just as well money can't buy happiness. With prices what they are today, who could afford it anyway?
Halloween is the by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
My horns came in. :)
Does anyone actually use the Friend My Friends app in iOS 5?
It's normal for kids to play "doctor." Start worrying if you find them playing "airport security."
Hearing aid for sale. Give me a shout if you're interested.
Text someone, "Hey, I lost my phone, can you call it for me?" and see if they notice what you just did.
I don't need Halloween to pretend to be somebody I'm not.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? Good times.
LSU 35
Auburn 14
Auburn 14
Gym this morning, work today, and wings tonight at 7:30. BONUS!
The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
I've been waaaaay too busy today. I can't remember if I lost my dog or if I found a dog leash.
5 more minutes of sleep, that's all I ask. But please don't start the countdown for another 2 hours.
This weather is looking fierce!
The difference between important and impotent is how your request for leave to recover from a vasectomy will be received.
These policemen take Hide and Seek very seriously.
Never interrupt an iPhone restore process (even when it appears okay to do so). Here's hoping a second restore properly organizes my home screen apps.
Know who else likes that full-bodied flavor? Cannibals.
Musical Chairs. Because kids don't have a hard enough time feeling left out.
No Trespassing: "'Anyone found here at night, will be found here in the morning."
LSU 35
Florida 10
Florida 10
People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anyone shows up.
It's all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
If you turn a left-handed glove inside-out, which hand does it fit on?
Quick, you can order advance copies of my new book: "How to Waste Money."
LSU 38
Kentucky 6
Kentucky 6
Yes, I had camouflage parachute pants in the 80s, but in my defense, I was in the army's elite breakdancing unit.
I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet. -Craig Sharf
Apple's iPhone announcement is Tuesday October 4th
"The sports team from my area is superior to the sports team from your area."
LSU 35
WV 14
WV 14
Gary Johnson on last night's GOP debate, "My next door neighbor's two dogs have created more shovel-ready jobs than this current administration." I like this guy already.
The EPA, really, Herman Cain?! What about the education department that everyone on stage said was grossly inadequate?
I don't know how all those kids on "Toddlers and Tiaras" cope with having developmentally disabled parents.
I found some chips in the bag of air I just bought.
Did you hear about the five blondes who fell off a cliff? They were playing follow the leader.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
LSU 24
Miss St 3
Miss St 3
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.
The last time someone told me I looked hot it was 102 degrees outside
A cop pulls over a guy for speeding.
Cop: "I've been waiting for you all day"
Guy: "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"
Cop: "I've been waiting for you all day"
Guy: "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"
"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "four F's": fighting, fleeting, feeding, and mating." -Marvin Dunnette
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
The nice thing about being single is I'm always there when I need me.
If you think our government's problems are bad, then you should see their solutions.
I like chicken omelets. It's like eating the circle of life
I just invited all the guys at my Arsonist Anonymous group to a house warming party.
I watched the entire P-90X series and didn't lose a pound. What a scam.
If you need a backhoe, just bury some fiber cable. One will be along shortly to dig it up.
looooooooooool: laughing obstinate offhandedly on obvious of officially odd odorous offensive occurrences oftentimes out loud?
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
The Czech engine light is always on in my Yugo.
On launching a new sub-genre of movies based on the premise of putting aliens into historical events: "[T]he signing of the declaration of independence was delayed by at least a fortnight due to the alien invasion of late June in 1776."
I would give a kidney to wake up in a tub full of ice
I need to find my aim in life before I run out of ammunition.
John and Kate plus eight? Ha, old news. I'm watching Casey Anthony minus one.
Some kids down the street challenged me to a water fight. I'm just posting this status update while I wait for the kettle to boil.
You take the "the" out of psychotherapist.
"Ever get so broke that the bank starts charging you money—for not having enough money?" --Louis C.K.
Life is like a box of chocolates: if you have diabetes, are on a diet or hate chocolate, then forget it.
National Ice Cream Day!
I think I broke the key to success in the doorknob of opportunity.
I'm not flying a kite. The kite is walking me on a leash.
I've got this new Calorie counting app. Each day I keep trying for a new high score.
The UK army has lost over £6million worth of equipment. That's the problem when you cover everything with camouflage.
Democracy is two wolves and a sheep deciding on what's for dinner.
Where have I been all my life?
I have a hidden talent—I just wish I could find it.
There's a principle about dropping five dollars into a public toilet. You won't reach in for that five, but throw another twenty in there and it becomes worth it.
Have you ever walked into a room and forgot why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend most of their lives.
Me and this recliner go way back.
A guy was told by his doctor that he needs to lose weight and suggested he join a health club. He lost 20 lbs in a week. The machine tore his leg off!
The key to picking up women is lifting with your legs.
Gollum stole the ringworm
If you're a repo man, what you seize is what you get.
Go out and write your own story, or you'll just be a character in someone else's.
Just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy.
I drove my car until the day of wreckoning.
I've had to cancel my impotence clinic appointment. Something's come up.
You know, statistically speaking, six out of seven dwarves are not Happy.
I'd be more optimistic if I thought it would help.
A simile is like a metaphor
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
I used to cry when cutting onions. I've since become indifferent to their suffering.
My inferiority complex is not as good as anyone else's.
I cut my drinking in half by taking the orange juice out of these screwdrivers.
A detective I know dropped his iPhone today. He cracked the case.
My uncle lost his tongue in the war; he never talks about it.
I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent, now he'll never have any friends
It's a good thing that Apple added Twitter integration into iOS 5. Can I phone in my tweets too?
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove too long, it could spell disaster.
There are not many banks left with the word "trust" in their name.
There's a fine line between hyphenated words.
I tried looking up 'Opaque' in the dictionary today. The definition was not very clear.
I lost my mood ring.I don't know how I feel about this.
For those of you upset that there was no rapture on Saturday: cheer up! It's not the end of the world.
I just hope whatever kills me is on my bucket list.
Would it be considered bad form to schedule an interview for tomorrow with Harold Camping, and then just not show up?
It's a good thing that Harold Camping is out there warning people that "earthquakes [will] happen across the world, all at 6pm local time." I wasn't aware that earthquakes were concerned with silly things like time-zone boundaries.
"On the way home, stop for some ice." -Captain of the Titanic's wife
Windows 7 was my idea. Microsoft, you can make the check out to Tim Wright
I've had it up to here with midget jokes.
I only go to Facebook to see what I've been up to.
4 out of 5 doctors agree that emoticons are the number one cause of neck injuries :P
Happy Osama-Bin-Laden-is-dead day!
"Always look forward, reflecting on the past disappoints and causes grief."
If you want someone to fall for you, you've got to give them something worth tripping over.
I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.
All this talk of genetically modified food being contrary to nature is bogus. Today I had a delicious leg of cod.
The battle between the giant soft drink manufacturers is over: Pepsi One® Coke Zero®
Tried to donate blood today. Didn't realize you had to give your own.
You don't need to afford the things you're buying; you need to afford the interest on the money you need to borrow in order to buy them.
Make a man a fire and he shall be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he shall be warm for the rest of his life.
Happy Turkey Holocaust day!
Please put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. My wish for 2011 is that people will understand that being eaten by dragons is not something to be ashamed of. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and are truly terrifying. 93% of people won't copy and paste this... They have... already been eaten by dragons.
"Man, Farmville is so huge! Do you realize it's the second-biggest browser-based social-networking-centered farming game in the WORLD?" -xkcd
Today is national ice cream day
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
"There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." -- Douglas Adams
If you watch the movie "Jaws" backwards, it's a movie about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they have to open a beach.
"Vegetables are what food eats."